DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns them. I manipulate them. This story may be reproduced, distributed, or archived, as long as this header along with my name and address are included. But please, if you intend to use it, let me know where it's going!
Copyright 1998 by NODA
noda@ballcom.com
NOTE: Every J/C writer needs to have a "Resolutions" story and I figured mine was long overdue. This doesn't take place on New Earth, however. It's about Kathryn and Chakotay trying to readjust to life on *Voyager* after their isolation. The idea for this was sparked after I read Lilith Sedai's short story"The Storm." It's not my intention to steal her idea, only build upon it. One more thing. According to the series, Janeway and Chakotay were infected by a "burrowing" insect and yet Kathryn was using traps for what, I assume, would be flying insects. I'm going with the flying bug theory. Maybe the insects are "burrowing" during a larvae stage?
*THE RETURN*
Kathryn Janeway stood in the doorway of her quarters. It was dark; she hadn't called for the lights. Breathing in and out several times she tried to refamiliarize herself with the scent of her rooms. Normally she couldn't detect the scent; she was too accustomed to its particular smell. But after nearly four months away, her olfactory senses were assailed by the reminder that these were indeed, her quarters. In the semi-darkness she could make out the shape of her bags just to the left of the door. She'd gone to the Bridge immediately upon her return, Chakotay by her side, leaving the chore of delivering her personal items to a crewman.
It was the first moment she'd been alone since setting foot on *Voyager*; Kathryn found herself relieved she to not have to paste a happy grin on her face and profess how glad she was to be back among them. She *was* happy to be back with them. The loyalty and dedication of her crew touched her deeply and she found her throat tightening just at the thought they'd risked their lives to return her and Chakotay to the ship. But it had been overwhelming. Everything from the bright lights of the corridors to the effusive expressions of welcome from her crew, seemed to swirl around her at once.
Kathryn did her best to appear unaffected by it all as she took her chair on the Bridge. Once almost an extension of her, it now felt big, uncomfortable. She couldn't chance a look at Chakotay for fear she would lose her composure when she saw his discomfort as well. Kathryn didn't have to see him to know how tense he was. His crisp responses to her orders spoke volumes of how difficult it was for him. But to his credit, he was professional, doing his best to slip back into the role of First Officer as she tried to become the Captain.
It hadn't been that long, Kathryn had chastised herself as she sat stiffly in her chair, her hands clenching unconsciously. She'd felt the eyes of the senior staff on her, looking for signs of. . . what? Relief to be home on *Voyager*? Some indication of what life on the planet had been like? Something more between herself and her First Officer? She wasn't naive enough to think there hadn't been speculation on that score. Perhaps that's why she was cooler to Chakotay than she'd been before they'd been left on the planet. She was trying so hard to seem as if nothing had happened that she was actually confirming suspicions. Kathryn knew she'd have to relax; she was making the rest of the crew as jumpy as herself. When the Doctor called and insisted they check in with him to make sure they were indeed cured, Kathryn sent Chakotay ahead of her. She wasn't going to give the crew anything more to gossip about by sharing a 'lift with him.
Chakotay seemed to understand her unspoken reasoning and gave her a small sad smile as he passed her chair. Kathryn had caught the look and was amazingly reassured. How was it possible for such a simple gesture to do what she'd been unable to accomplish since she'd set foot on the Bridge?
The Doctor had given them both clean bills of health. Other than slight weight losses, the Captain and First Officer were deemed to be in perfect health. At least physically, Kathryn thought to herself as she headed back to her duty shift. She smiled and nodded at her beaming crew as she walked towards the 'lift, but didn't really see them.
Finally, the shift had ended and Kathryn found herself standing inside her doorway, drawn from her reverie by the quiet, yet insistent beeping of the door mechanism waiting to close. Stepping into her outer room, she found herself in almost pitch blackness, no longer having the benefit of the hallway's residual light. She stood there a few moments more, then tried to shake off her attitude, ordering the lights at full illumination. Wincing at the harsh glare she spoke again,
"Computer, lights at 50 percent illumination."
With the reduced lighting she glanced around her quarters. Someone had been there. Of course someone had come to her cabin; when she awoke on the planet, there were two cases that contained personal items that she hadn't packed. Kathryn remembered how she had practically bullied Chakotay and Tuvok into letting her accompany the away team. She wanted to do some scientific scans, which is what she told her crew, but deep down, what she really wanted was to set foot on an Earth-like planet for a few hours. If things checked out, they could arrange for brief shore leaves for the rest of the crew, but in case they didn't, Kathryn wanted to make sure she'd had her chance. What good was it to be the Captain if she couldn't pull rank once in awhile?
Kathryn's scans hadn't revealing anything out of the ordinary for a class "M" planet and she found herself slightly disappointed; she would have liked a mystery to spice up her afternoon. She'd met up with Chakotay near a river and discussed the necessity of gathering their crew to return to the ship.
"Well, Commander, ready to call it a day?" she'd asked.
Chakotay smiled, something he hadn't done much of lately. "I suppose we should. Although it's hard to leave all this natural beauty."
"Yes, it is," Kathryn sighed, hands on her hips, taking in a lung-full of fresh air. She'd given the area one last sweeping glance then tapped her comm badge to order the away team to the rendezvous spot. Kathryn noticed Chakotay slapping at an insect on his neck.
"Guess it was too much to ask that this planet didn't have the equivalent of mosquitoes," he said ruefully, rubbing the site of the bite.
Just then Kathryn had felt a bite as well. "Maybe it's the proximity to the river," she said. "Let's get out of here."
The effects of their bites weren't immediate. Chakotay had returned to the ship first and for some reason, once he was onboard *Voyager*, he began to feel ill. Touching his neck, he felt a large welt that hadn't been there previously. Chakotay made it exactly ten paces from the transporter pad before he collapsed.
Kathryn was still on the planet, ensuring her crew made it safely back to the ship when she received the Doctor's call. Chakotay had passed out in the transporter room; the Doctor's initial scans indicated some type of insect bite. None of the other crew seemed to be affected; he'd scanned them all.
Kathryn's brow furrowed as she took in the Doctor's information. Perhaps she had her mystery after all.
"Doctor," she said, "I too was bitten by some kind of insect, but I feel fine. And Chakotay was fine the last time I saw him; no sign of anything wrong."
"I don't have an explanation, Captain, but I'm willing to stake my reputation that this has something to do with the insect bite."
"Something in his physiology that might be reacting differently than me?" Kathryn suggested.
"It's possible. But the effect should be the same on any human. Frankly I don't know *why* you're not sick."
"Acknowledged. I'll do some more scans before I return to the ship. Maybe together we can figure out this puzzle. Janeway out."
After several additional sweeps of the area near the river, Kathryn returned to *Voyager.* She didn't make any more progress in crossing the transporter room than Chakotay had before she too succumbed to the poison in her system.
The Doctor had worked tirelessly trying to ascertain what had affected the command team, but not the rest of the away team. The toxin within their system was definitely the result of an insect bite, but he had no cure. Both the Captain and Commander seemed fine while on the planet. It was only after they returned to the ship did their symptoms develop. Managing to wake his patients long enough to inform them of their status, he also had to tell them of the negative results in his attempts to develop a counter-agent. Stasis seemed to be the only option at the moment; Kathryn ordered him to proceed as he thought best.
That had been Kathryn's last memory of *Voyager* until appearing in the transporter room eight hours ago. She had left her quarters in disarray, as she'd been in a hurry to join the away team that day. Data pads had been strewn about her desk; she remembered an empty coffee cup on the table before the sofa. Now, however, her rooms were immaculate. Whoever had collected her things had taken the time to straighten her mess as well. Rather than feeling it a violation, Kathryn was touched by the gesture; no doubt the person completed the task as a means of expressing loyalty.
She tried to think who would have been so considerate. Tuvok, she finally decided, for even the vase that had been broken in her haste that morning was repaired, once again resting on the corner of her desk. She'd suspected Tuvok before this, though. The items chosen to accompany her on the planet didn't speak of a woman's selection. It was an eclectic mix of what a man might think a woman would want. Her personal grooming accessories were easy enough to decide upon; it was the odd collection of non-essential items that spoke to her of her logical friend. Kathryn could see in her mind's eye Tuvok surveying the contents of her quarters and choosing an object here or there that he thought she would require. It was Tuvok who'd prepared her for a life separate from the ship, just as he'd been the one who called her back to it.
As she continued the survey of her outer room, she noticed how much larger it seemed than she remembered. Their entire shelter would probably have fit into the space of her quarters alone. So did that make the shelter small or her quarters large? At the moment, it felt like the latter. Without Chakotay's presence, the area felt vast.
Sitting on the sofa she noticed how impersonal the room looked. She had a few momentoes about the space, but none of the warm touches she remembered from New Earth: the sand paintings, carvings, dream catchers. All Chakotay's works of art. It wasn't until that moment she realized she'd contributed nothing to the decor of their home on the planet. It wasn't that she hadn't thought about it. In fact, during their last weeks, she had a project in the works, but hadn't mentioned it; she wanted to wait until it was finished to surprise him. She knew Chakotay would realize the significance of her adding a personal touch to their shelter: it would mean she'd finally accepted her life on New Earth.
And she had accepted it. Maybe that's why she felt so conflicted now. Kathryn knew she'd been on the verge of giving into him. All it would have taken was one touch, one look and she would fallen into his arms and told him to never let go. How had he managed to conquer her so quickly? Bringing her around to his way of thinking so subtly that she believed she'd come to the decision on her own?
Kathryn had suspected Chakotay's feelings for her extended beyond their command relationship, but never realized just how deeply he felt for her until his pseudo-confession by way of an ancient legend. She'd been taken aback by the enormity, the responsibility of it. It wasn't that she didn't care for him. She did. Maybe that had been the problem. She'd seen beyond the Commander to the man underneath and was intrigued by what she saw. But she never allowed her mind to dwell on the possibilities of a relationship with him. Chakotay was part of the job, that was all. That's all it could be.
Then fate stepped in, leaving them stranded on the planet he'd christened New Earth. Smiling at the memory of his designating the planet, Kathryn shook her head slightly. She thought the name was kind of silly, a little obvious, but since she didn't have a better option to offer, she accepted his suggestion.
Once the barrier of duty had been removed, she found her excuses evaporating. How could she quote regulations when they no longer existed? She'd started the ball rolling herself, she realized, the day she asked him to call her "Kathryn." She'd let the command structure slide away when it suited her, erecting it again when she felt threatened. Why had she been so surprised at Chakotay's revelation when she'd practically invited it? Perhaps she'd been subconsciously moving towards him all along and once her Starfleet blinders were removed, she found herself floundering with the realization: she loved him too.
Kathryn didn't want to love him, didn't want the extra burden that came with caring for someone more than yourself. He'd promised to make her burdens lighter and he was the heaviest one. But *Voyager* was no longer a weight. Her crew and her ship were heading to the Alpha Quadrant on their own, so wasn't the responsibility of his love now an acceptable weight? Struggling with her decision on practically a daily basis, she finally decided to leave the matter up to fate. The same fate that left them the only ones on this world. If he moved towards her, this time she wouldn't pull away.
Chakotay had been the perfect gentleman. Never pressuring, never pushing, allowing Kathryn to come to him in her own time. In some respects she wished he'd been more insistent, then the next moment she'd been grateful he hadn't. But she could sense the difference in their relationship. There'd always been a sort of charged atmosphere between them, but as Kathryn felt her walls crumbling, she felt the increase in the barely restrained sexual tension between them. Both knew all it would take was a single spark for their passion to ignite; neither wanted to be the one to take the first step.
Chakotay had asked for an opinion on something in the house, revealing plans for a boat. Kathryn was excited, maybe what they needed was a "vacation" to resolve the almost tangible tension between them. As she laughed over the river replacing her bathtub, she heard the sound. The unmistakable noise of static over a comm badge. For an instant, she pretended not to hear. But as the interference cleared, she knew there was no denying Tuvok's hail.
When she thought of it now, waves of guilt washed over her. How could she have considered, even for a moment, not answering him? The worst of it was, she'd sensed the same thoughts flickering through Chakotay's mind. She supposed she shouldn't have been surprised; after all, he'd taken to life on New Earth like a man with a mission. Now he was back to being the loyal, unobtrusive Commander again. Was it a role he'd willingly accepted? Or had he become a Starfleet officer once again just for her sake? He never voiced a preference. And even though she'd gotten to know him quite well these last months, she couldn't read his feelings on this matter.
Kathryn rose with a sigh from the sofa and began to pace the room. More than likely his feelings were subject to the same duality she was experiencing. Relief and joy at having been restored to *Voyager*, but regretting the loss of what could have been. The only trouble was, she didn't know how to turn off her feelings for Chakotay. She had mistakenly thought once she was in uniform again it would become a suit of armor, providing her with protection from his appeal. Unfortunately, she felt just the opposite reaction. Instead of reminding her of her duty, it only served to emphasize the things she loved about him: his dedication, strength, cunning and even his sense of humor, laughing about how odd the material felt against his skin in such a short period of time.
That was the thought disturbing Kathryn the most. That in the length of time they'd been gone, so much could have changed. She'd been on training missions that lasted longer and hadn't left her so affected. Of course, she hadn't had this intense of a relationship with any of her colleagues on those missions, either.
Kathryn still couldn't say she was *in* love with Chakotay. She was attracted to him, loved aspects of him, but being *in* love was a different story. She was *in* love with Mark. Wasn't she? Suddenly she felt a new stone added to her already overwhelming load of guilt. How could being rescued cause her so much conflict?
Feeling and hearing the rumbling of her stomach, Kathryn realized she hadn't eaten since she shared a light, silent breakfast with Chakotay, waiting for *Voyager* to assume an orbit. She considered going to the mess hall, but knowing of the reception she would find waiting for her there, opted for the replicator instead. She just needed a little more time to adjust to being back.
*********
Chakotay strolled around his quarters trying to re-acclimate himself with the rooms. They seemed so familiar, yet so alien. His bed should be behind a frosted partition, not an entire room away and not separated from Kathryn's by a bulkhead. He could hear her rummaging around in her quarters as well and imagined her unpacking her bags. The sound was muffled, more subdued than the sounds he'd heard from her on the planet.
Thinking of her unpacking got him wondering about who had performed the task of gathering his things for him. It bothered Chakotay a little that someone would have invaded his personal space without permission, but then he realized there wasn't much choice in the matter. When he awoke on the planet and discovered his medicine bundle and medicine wheel, besides some clothing and grooming articles, he'd known whoever had completed the chore must have known him pretty well. B'Elanna, he thought. She among the crew knew what he'd need to make the transition easier; he made a mental note to thank her.
At first he'd wondered how he'd deal with the loss of privacy in their small quarters on the planet. It wasn't that he didn't relish the chance to get to know his Captain--Kathryn--better, it was that he was an intensely private person who needed a significant amount of time to himself. Most of the crew didn't know that side of him. He was a congenial, ready listener, who almost always had time for his fellow shipmates. But what they didn't see was the side of him that purposely sought out the quiet solitude of his quarters after a long day. How he thanked the Gods for the silence and the chance to be alone with his thoughts.
But that seemed to have changed. Now the silence that greeted him in his quarters seemed empty rather than welcoming. Kathryn had been the perfect partner to be sequestered with. Not only because of his feelings for her, but for the conscientious person she was. She'd seemed to sense his need to be alone and made an effort to give him his space.
It seemed odd to him now that he thought about it. They were both people who cared deeply for those around them, including each other, yet they needed to be removed from those same persons at times to find a balance. He'd always known Kathryn was an equally private person; their mutual respect and understanding of each other helped pave the way for the comfortable relationship they shared.
For the most part Chakotay found it comfortable. There would be those moments when he'd look up and see her concentrating on some problem with her research, or lost in some other thought. He'd felt his breath catch as he watched her. He could almost see her mind at work, racing to find the one piece of the puzzle that was missing. She'd look so beautiful that all he wanted to do was sweep her up into his arms and kiss the frown of concentration from her brow. Of course he hadn't. Instead he'd worked through a hundred different scenarios of how he would woo Kathryn. How she would look into his eyes and be lost. Then they would find themselves. Together.
The worst of it was, Chakotay knew she was close to giving into her feelings. She'd never confessed her love, but he could see the difference in her after his "Angry Warrior" tale. Where had he pulled that come from? he wondered. When Kathryn confronted him that evening he knew he should have had the balls to just come out and tell her how he felt, but somehow, he couldn't. Whether it was to preserve his dignity or hers, he didn't know. All he knew was he had to, once again, use a story, to express himself. Who would have suspected the competent Commander of *Voyager* was so shy! Some people knew this aspect of him. B'Elanna, Kurt, Seska. Although Seska saw nothing charming about it; she viewed it as a weakness. And Kathryn of course. She'd probably been aware of this part of his personality long before that night in the shelter, but to her credit, she'd never mentioned it.
Still, it surprised Chakotay how quickly he and Kathryn had settled into a comfortable routine, so much so that after a few months on the planet that life seemed normal, and life on *Voyager* now seemed to be the obstacle to be overcome.
He knew he'd been more reluctant to return than Kathryn, but he truly hadn't expected it to be as difficult as it was. The reunion with the crew had been joyous; he was happy to see B'Elanna again, glad even to see Paris and Harry. He wished he could have said the same for Tuvok, but that just wasn't the case.
He could hardly blame the man for coming back. Hell, he should be thanking him, praising his efforts with the Vidiians. But somehow he couldn't get past the fact that he was the one ultimately responsible for bringing them back to the ship. The one who took Kathryn away and left the Captain in her place. It was an irrational reaction, he knew. To never again see the friends he'd made on this journey would have been a sacrifice, but to have the chance to build a life with Kathryn, he felt was an acceptable trade-off.
Thrust suddenly back into their roles on the Bridge, both he and Kathryn acted as if they were strangers rather than friends who's just spent four months isolated together. Chakotay knew the eyes of the senior staff were watching them; the strained behavior probably said more than if he'd grabbed Kathryn and kissed her in the center of the command deck. But he understood her terseness; he found himself responding in a similar manner, feeling awkward in the chair, awkward in the company of people, and achingly aware of Kathryn's discomfort.
They'd never discussed what life on *Voyager* would be like once they returned. In fact, they'd said practically nothing to one another from the time Tuvok had hailed them. Chakotay had been surprised that Kathryn had been so silent. He was sure she would have been elated at the prospect of returning to her ship. Half expecting her to babble on excitedly over what she would do first once she returned, he was somewhat heartened that she too seemed to regret leaving their new home. Not that he wished for her to be unhappy, but the mere fact that she wasn't enthusiastic about packing gave him hope. Hope that things wouldn't be too terribly different on *Voyager.* Maybe they *could* pick up where they had left off. If that was the case, then the return wouldn't be something negative. For if he could have Kathryn *and* *Voyager*, his life would truly be complete.
They needed to talk, Chakotay realized, and the sooner the better. The longer Kathryn was onboard, the more she would embrace her role as Captain, pushing "Kathryn" aside in favor of duty. He wanted to go to her that very minute, but thought she needed some time to adjust herself. He'd always believed they were more alike than different, and if that were the case, she'd need some time to refamiliarize herself with her surroundings as much as he did.
*********