*********
Kathryn stood before the replicator trying to decide what she wanted to eat. Although they'd had a replicator on New Earth, Chakotay used it mostly for fruits and vegetables which he transformed into their meals. She'd always thought it was a waste of time to replicate raw ingredients to cook with when he could have simply requested the whole meal, but he seemed to derive pleasure from the preparation of food. Kathryn had to admit it did taste better and smiled when she thought of her mother's I-told-you-so expression. Gretchen Janeway would have loved the irony of her daughter choosing to eat home-cooked meals rather than replicated ones. Without thinking, Kathryn asked for a meal of Chakotay's, and was startled by the computer's voice asking her to re-state her request.
"Try Commander Chakotay's database," she instructed.
"Unable to comply."
"Isn't it listed in his replicator file?" Janeway asked, now getting perturbed that the mechanical voice was arguing with her.
"That information is classified," came the unruffled response of the computer.
"Classified? Who the hell would classify a recipe?" Kathryn wondered out loud, forgetting the computer would take it as an order for information.
"Commander Chakotay." Kathryn almost laughed at the computer's efforts to answer her rhetorical question.
"Computer, command override, authorization Janeway Alpha one." Who'd have thought she'd have to pull rank on the computer just to get a simple pasta dish? After a series of beeps indicating that the computer was making in an effort to verify her code, she recognized the signal that her meal was waiting within the confines of the food slot. Upon its removal, she requested a pot of coffee as well. Might as well splurge, she thought. She had four months of ration credits stored up.
Carrying her meal to the sofa, she started looking around her room again. It was so quiet and so empty. Maybe she should have gone to the mess hall. But she knew it wasn't Neelix, or Harry, Tom and B'Elanna she was missing. It was Chakotay. Months alone with the man and he was still the only company she was missing!
Kathryn dug into her meal with renewed determination. This was ridiculous, she told herself. It wasn't like she was never going to see him again. Chakotay would be on the Bridge next to her all day tomorrow. She never felt the need to be in his presence this much before her time on New Earth, why should she now? Wasn't she trying to step back into her routine? But having dinner with Chakotay *was* her routine. Sitting alone in her quarters, she found she'd lost her appetite. Even the coffee held no appeal for her.
*Just admit it, Kathryn*, she thought to herself. *You miss him.* What would be the harm in seeing if he wanted to share his meal with her? If he was busy, or had other plans, he'd tell her. Picking up her plate, she headed for the door. It hadn't even occurred to her to call him over the comm system; they'd been without it for so long it hadn't even entered her mind. Heading down the corridor towards his door, Kathryn practically ran into him, caring a plate of his own. They burst into laughter as they realized they'd both had the same idea at the same time.
"Your place or mine?" Chakotay asked.
"How about mine? We can go over some ship's business at the same time."
"Does this really have to be a working dinner?" he asked, sounding disappointed.
"Well, we *do* have a lot of catching up to do."
They'd reached her door by that time and before he could answer her, he was automatically reaching over and activating the door.
Kathryn looked at him in disbelief. "How do you know my entry code?"
"I wasn't in the Maquis for nothing," he teased. "Overriding door locks was one of the first things we learned."
Kathryn stepped into her outer room, looking over her shoulder at him as he followed her. "And just what other talents did you learn as a renegade?"
"I could show you," he offered. Suddenly the teasing turned serious and the tension sprang up between them again.
"I'll wait for the holovid, thanks," Kathryn said, hoping to dispel some of the heaviness that had settled over them.
Sitting on the sofa at the same time, they both placed their plates on the table, turning to look at each other. The fact that they mirrored each other's actions hadn't escaped either of them. Both knew how in synch they could be. Like an old married couple. Kathryn pushed that thought away as Chakotay forged ahead.
"Kathryn, I think we need to talk about this. About where we stand."
"Define some parameters?" she offered as a joke.
"No, you defined parameters and I went along with your decisions because I lo. . .care about you."
"So what's changed?" she asked, knowing everything had.
"You, for one. Ever since we received Tuvok's hail you've distanced yourself from me."
Kathryn rose and began to pace, unable to look him in the eye. "I'm not sure I know what you mean. We spent the last night in the shelter together, packed up together. I was with you almost the whole time."
Chakotay stood. Crossing over to her he lightly grasped her arms and turned her to face him. "That's not what I mean and you know it. Don't be obtuse, Kathryn. Or should I say Captain? That's the whole problem. The moment *Voyager* contacted us you stopped being Kathryn and became Captain Janeway again."
"That's who I am, Chakotay," she said her voice tinged with anger and just a little regret.
"You're also Kathryn. I saw a her for a moment in the hallway when she asked me over to have dinner."
Kathryn's glance fell on their cold plates; all thoughts of eating had vanished. "You make me sound like two separate people," she said.
"Sometimes I think you try to be. You've got parameters for what's acceptable for the Captain and what's appropriate for Kathryn. You aren't two separate people. There's going to be times when the lines between the portions of your personality are blurred. Like now," he added.
She knew he was right. But it *wasn't* appropriate for the Captain to have romantic feelings for her First Officer. The only way she could ever think of Chakotay as more than a friend was to think of herself as two separate entities, as irrational as that might seem.
"Kathryn," Chakotay said quietly, drawing her eyes back to his. "I thought we were getting closer, close to maybe. . . ." He let his sentence trail off, unsure how to finish.
"We were," she said sadly.
"I know this is horrible and I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but. . ."
"But you wished the ship hadn't come back for us," she finished for him.
"Partly, yes," he sighed. He looked into her eyes and realized he needed no further explanation, for he saw the same emotion in her gaze. He knew she wouldn't actually voice it. To do so would make it real and she didn't want to acknowledge that she'd ever considered placing her personal feelings over the needs of her ship.
Chakotay pulled her close; enfolding Kathryn in his arms, whispering into her hair. "Just because you've thought about the possibility doesn't make you a traitor," he said.
Kathryn hugged him tightly, pressing her cheek against Chakotay's chest, feeling the heat of his body through the fabric of his uniform. God, he knew her so well! That's what hurt the worst, she realized. That she had to temper this bond with him. That the closeness that they now shared could be the only intimacy between them.
Kathryn knew she should step away from him. Knowing the longer they shared the embrace, the harder it would be to let go. But it felt so good to be in his arms. To have someone realize without her speaking what she was feeling. How divided her loyalties felt at the moment.
Chakotay lifted her chin up and smiled slightly. "It's okay," he said. "It's going to be easier with a little time." Kathryn wasn't sure if he meant her re-adjusting to life on *Voyager* or coming to grips with her feelings for him. Before she could ask him what he meant, he'd closed the distance between them, capturing her lips with his own. At first it was just a friendly, reassuring kiss, meant to relieve her doubt, but it quickly flared into something more. Kathryn opened her mouth under his gentle pressure and found her tongue dancing with his, each pulling the other even closer as they grew breathless.
Kathryn's head was swimming. She had to stop this! This was exactly what she meant! Even though he'd come to her as her friend, he was still her second-in-command. As much as she cared for him, she had to put her professional commitments first.
Pushing slightly against his chest, severing their contact, Kathryn took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Chakotay," she whispered, leaning her head against his chest. "I just can't do this. You understand, don't you?" She looked up at him with pleading eyes; even though succumbing to reason was the last thing on his mind, Chakotay pulled away and nodded.
"I didn't mean. . ." he started.
"I know. And I am sorry."
Chakotay wanted to argue with her. Tell her that things *didn't* have to be different just because they were back on *Voyager.* But he knew it was pointless. Kathryn had erected her walls again and no amount of verbal persuasion was going to change her mind. He felt as if a part of his heart had been sliced away. He had been so sure she was coming around, ready to give herself willing to him, that it ached all the more to know how close they had come.
"Could I ask you a question?"
Kathryn was now standing a short distance from him, as if being within his personal space was mesmerizing and she was afraid of falling under his spell again. She nodded her consent.
"If Tuvok hadn't come back for us, if we'd had one more day, another week, would it have made a difference?"
"Don't go blaming this on Tuvok!" her temper flared. "It was all of them! Our entire crew who was dedicated and caring enough to risk their lives to save ours! To save us from a life of isolation!"
"Who are you trying to convince, Kathryn? Me or yourself?" Chakotay knew he wasn't going to get a straight answer to his question. That would require Kathryn to be honest with herself, something she was desperately trying to avoid.
"I think I should go," he said, hoping she'd relent and ask him to stay so they could work this out together.
Instead she said, "Maybe you're right. I'll see you tomorrow?" She added hopefully, trying to let him know that she wasn't dismissing him, only needed some time alone.
"On the Bridge at 08:00," he said tersely.
"Of course," she said. She meant off duty; Kathryn knew he understood that, but she also saw he was reacting in the only way she had left open to him: as her First Officer.
They exchanged quick good-byes, leaving Kathryn standing in the middle of her quarters, feeling another weight added to her load. Suddenly, the room that seemed so large only an hour ago was now closing in on her. She needed to get away from where she had come so close, once again, to giving in to him. Rubbing her fingers absently across her lips, she could still feel the sensation of his mouth on hers. She never expected to be so carried away by a single kiss. The power of it frightened her a little; that he could have such an effect on her just with a simple touch of his lips. Maybe it *was* a good thing they'd never made love on New Earth. Who knows what her emotional state would be if they had?
*********
It was late, at least for Kathryn, as she wandered the corridors of *Voyager,* trying to reacquaint herself with her ship. There were few crewmen in the halls at this hour, for which Janeway was grateful. It wouldn't be good for the crew to see their recently restored Captain wandering the ship like the lost soul she felt she was.
Running her hand along the wall as she walked, Kathryn remembered a time when she could sense *Voyager* as a living entity. Now it seemed like only a collection of artificial materials: metals, fabrics, plastics. It didn't feel like *her* ship any longer. *Voyager* felt like a stranger. Or was it she who was the stranger? The crew didn't seem to notice any difference in the ship, so it had to be her. How could she have changed so much in such a short time? Starfleet had always been her dream, her life. How was it possible that four months on an isolated planet could so restructure her priorities?
Had she truly lost sight of her priorities? Hadn't she pushed Chakotay away? Reminded him of their duty? She had, but it was the realization that she had to practically force herself to take these actions that caused her duress. In the past there would have been no question that she'd choose duty over personal life. It was the fact that she was actually considering letting her personal feelings take precedence that bothered her.
Kathryn looked up and realized she was standing outside the Hydroponics Bay. The doors reacted to her presence and she stepped into the converted Cargo Bay. Looking around, she saw the evidence of Kes' hard work. Where once there had been old crates and excess parts, there was now a garden. A veritable arboretum. It had been months, even before her time on the planet, since she'd been in room. The functional symmetry of the bay's layout was almost as attractive as the flowers, fruits and vegetables that grew there.
Kathryn breathed in the slightly humid air, feeling more relaxed than she had since setting foot on *Voyager.* She'd never cared to have plants in her personal quarters, thinking she didn't have the time or inclination to keep them alive. Standing in the flora of the bay she now realized why her quarters seemed so sterile. It was the lack of living, growing things. If she asked, would Kes part with some of her precious plants? It seemed like an absurd thought. Of course Kes would give her some plants, regardless if it were the Captain receiving them or Kathryn. There was that duality again. Would every action always be weighed against it being for the Captain or for her personally? If that was the case, it was going to be an even longer trip home.
Just then Kathryn caught sight of red globes hanging from bright green vines. Talaxian tomatoes, her mind told her; she found her eyes suddenly welling up with tears. It would be weeks before her own tomatoes would have produced fruit. The thought of her carefully tended plants fending for themselves against weeds and scavengers filled her with sadness. She'd worked so hard on them. They both had. Chakotay digging the soil, creating the gardenspace; her watching over the seedlings like a mother hen. They were just plants; she didn't know why the thought of them being left further and further behind distressed her so.
Kathryn was fingering a leaf, almost reverently, so lost in her thoughts she didn't hear Kes' approach.
"Captain?" Kes called out quietly, not wanting to startle her. Janeway jumped anyway, despite the softness of the voice behind her. Quickly wiping at the two tears that had escaped her eyes.
"Kes!" she said a little too brightly, "I didn't hear you come in. What are you doing up at this hour?"
"I could ask you the same thing," she said, motioning the older woman to a bench. Kathryn took a seat, waiting for Kes to do the same.
"I couldn't sleep," Kathryn said, not telling her she hadn't even tried.
Kes nodded sympathetically. "It's been an emotional day for all of us," she said. Kathryn looked up to see if her words had an ambiguous meaning. But all she saw was the serene sincere face of the woman before her. It was hard to think of Kes as a woman at two years of age, but she would have been considered one among her people; Kathryn felt she owed her the same courtesy.
"I know this hasn't been easy for you, Captain," Kes told her. Again Kathryn was wondering if her words were born of her budding telepathic abilities or causal observances. "To go from where there's only the two of you to a group of over a hundred people in an area as confined as a starship has to be difficult."
"I've never thought of *Voyager* as feeling particularly claustrophobic," Kathryn said. "But I have to admit, it does feel a little. . .close after the expanse of New Earth."
"New Earth?"
Kathryn smiled, slightly embarrassed, realizing Kes wouldn't have known the name she and Chakotay had chosen for the planet.
"It was Chakotay's name, actually. I expected 'New Dorvan,' maybe. But I suppose he doesn't have particularly fond memories of that planet, at least recently."
"Is the Commander having a hard time adjusting to being back too?" Kes asked innocently.
Kathryn's head snapped up. "I'm happy to be back, Kes. I truly am."
"I'm not doubting that," Kes responded in almost placating tones. "Just because you're glad to be back doesn't mean it's been an easy transition for you. Or that if you're a bit homesick for your life on the planet, it doesn't mean that you're not grateful for having been rescued."
Kathryn's harsh gaze softened. How was it possible for this little thing, this slip of a woman/girl to see so straight into her dilemma and not condemn her for it. She had been as much a part of their rescue as anyone, as much as Harry, from what Tuvok had informed her. Kes wasn't indignant, thinking the Captain an ingrate after the lengths they had gone to on her and Chakotay's behalf. Instead, she sat there, consoling her loss.
"Things were just so different there," Kathryn confessed. "I've always been a part of Starfleet, from the time I was a child. Oh, I didn't enter the Academy until after high school, but it was so much a part of my family, I felt as though it's always been my life. On the planet, it didn't exist. I wasn't the Captain. We still had responsibilities, but they didn't land squarely on my shoulders. We shared them equally and I grew to relish our shared sense of commitment. It was so refreshing just being responsible for ourselves." Kathryn looked at Kes to judge her reaction. Kes nodded, as if in complete understanding. Whether she truly *did* understand, Kathryn could only guess, but she wasn't out-in-out condemning her either.
"That's understandable," Kes said, "Especially after the last two years. You've been under a lot of pressure."
"The funny thing is, I was determined to not give up hope. I spent weeks searching for cure, but to no avail. Chakotay settled in rather quickly and I almost resented the fact that he could give up so easily. Ironic, isn't it? In light of my current behavior?"
"What made you change your mind?"
Kathryn looked down at her hands. They were twisting in her lap, physical evidence that the memory was difficult for her. "There was a plasma storm, a really bad one. I was out it the woods checking my insect traps when it hit. Chakotay came looking for me and helped me back to the shelter. We lay, huddled under a table, riding the storm out, while all around me I watched my old life being destroyed. Equipment was damaged beyond repair, all of the insect traps. I had no choice but to let go. It was the hardest thing I've had to do, but it was liberating at the same time. Once I stopped fighting the inevitable, I saw another side to life on the planet. There were so many avenues that we had to explore, I didn't think a lifetime would be enough."
Kes smiled at her. "And just when you were beginning to explore some of those avenues, *Voyager* showed up." Kes didn't ask about her and Chakotay's personal relationship, but she sensed the Ocampan included it when she used Kathryn's own encompassing term of "avenues."
"Yes," Kathryn answered simply.
"It's only natural that you wish you'd had more time,"
"Is it?" Kathryn asked, surprised that Kes had expressed Janeway's secret desire.
"Yes. And it doesn't make you disloyal," Kes commented. Kathryn was silent for a few moments.
"That's what you're concerned about, isn't it? That your wish to explore your other interests seems like you've given up on your goal of getting home?"
How was it possible for Kes to see through her so easily? Was it that she was so transparent, or that Kes truly *did* have an empathy, an insight into their minds?
"Chakotay said pretty much the same thing," Kathryn told her with a sheepish grin. Kes stood and smoothed her tunic.
"I've found the Commander has some excellent advice to give. Maybe you should listen to it. Good night, Captain. Don't stay up too late," Kes teased.
Kathryn heard the doors open and close before she too stood. Kes had given her a lot to think about, as had Chakotay, but she was feeling better. Perhaps her reaction wasn't as treasonous as she'd originally perceived. In that moment, Kathryn made a decision, knowing what she needed to do to become a part of *Voyager* once more.
*********
Chakotay sat in the corner of Sandrine's. He wasn't exactly sure why he called up Paris' program other than the fact he felt like he needed a drink and the holo-bar was the only program he knew of. Wishing he'd been able to find some real alcohol, he drank the holo-version in hopes the action of drinking might bring on a solution, even if he couldn't develop a real buzz.
Kathryn had more capacity for denial than any woman he'd ever known, Chakotay thought sullenly to himself. It was somewhat heartening to know she'd felt the same passion he had during their kiss, but certainly disappointing when she pushed him away. He couldn't say he was surprised, after all it had been her pattern since he'd met her: come close, but not too close and only on her terms. It was why he'd vowed to wait for her to make the first move on New Earth. He tried not to resent Tuvok, but it didn't help that he'd always felt a little jealous of Janeway's and Tuvok's friendship. She would confide in her Security Officer things she wouldn't tell him. Maybe it was Tuvok's dispassionate behavior that inspired her confidences. He would listen and give her a logical appraisal rather than emotional one or one veiled in a legend.
Chakotay should have known Kathryn would never consider pursuing their personal relationship once they were back on the ship. Her withdrawal from him on the planet had spoke volumes. Taking another sip from his drink he noticed the outer door of the dingy bistro opening, admitting Tom Paris. Damn. In his preoccupation, he'd forgotten to engage the security lock. Just because Paris was there didn't mean Chakotay had to stay; he could commiserate in another area of the ship. Chakotay started to rise, preparing to leave when Tom crossed over to him.
"Don't leave on my account," Tom told him. "I just came to practice up on my pool game."
"At this hour? Aren't you on Alpha shift tomorrow?"
"Yeah, same as you," Tom pointed out.
Chakotay watched as Tom racked the balls, then lined up his shot to break. "Care to join me, Commander?"
"I don't think so, but thanks for the offer." He was turning to leave when Tom's voice stopped him.
"It feels a little weird, doesn't it?"
"What does?"
"Being back on the ship," Tom clarified. Chakotay was silent and Tom took it as a license to continue. "Believe me, I know what you're going through."
"You do? I didn't know you'd ever been marooned before."
"Well, you weren't exactly 'marooned,' but I guess the term is as close as we're going to get. I'm talking about when I broke the warp barrier. Talk about an experience changing a guy!"
Despite himself, Chakotay found himself smiling at the pilot's joke.
"And we both had the Captain's undivided attention for awhile," Tom continued. Chakotay's smile slipped, being replaced by a warning glare.
Tom held up his hands in resignation. "Hey, don't look at me! I don't start the rumors!"
"But I'm sure you're not above making a profit on them," Chakotay said. This time it was Tom's turn to try to suppress a grin. Chakotay stepped closer to him, his face directly in the younger man's.
"If I *ever* hear of you or anyone else engaging in idle speculation on the Captain's personal life, you'll answer to me. You got that, Mister?"
"Yes, Sir," Tom answered, backing away from his irate Commander. "All I meant was I know how different I felt when returned. How the ship, the people I knew, how they all seemed different, when in actuality it was me who'd changed. It didn't mean I wasn't glad to be back, but it took awhile for *Voyager* to feel like 'home' again."
"I realize that," Chakotay said. He wasn't disputing Tom's words, but he couldn't tell him what was really bothering him: the fact that he'd lost his chance for a life with Kathryn. He tried to be thankful he at least had a working relationship with her, but that wasn't much comfort at the moment.
He'd never been as happy as he'd been on New Earth and couldn't quite put his finger on why. Kathryn was certainly a part of it, but she wasn't the only reason. All the while he'd lived on Dorvan, all he could think about was Starfleet and space. How all he wanted to do was serve on a ship and never leave the stars. But after experiencing life on the planet, Chakotay realized he'd changed. It seemed ironic when he thought of it now. All his life Chakotay's father told him that one day he'd regret not paying attention to the teachings of the Elders. That one day he would come to embrace their wisdom and the love of the land. Chakotay had indeed taken up Kolopak's religion, but never envisioned a longing for actual land beneath his feet, until he found himself on the planet.
It had been similar to hundreds of class "M" planets he'd been on, but then he'd never spent any significant amount of time on any of those. He realized now that it wasn't so much the actual location that made a place a home, it was the personal touches one added. The things a person did to weave their existence in with their surroundings. Knowing the path to the river so well that he could traverse it in the dark. The carvings and sandpaintings he'd done to remind him of sights he'd seen on his walks. The warmth of his and Kathryn's shared experiences. Doing things for her just to see the smile she reserved for him. Didn't he have that all on *Voyager* as well? And more? He knew the ship like the back of his hand; he'd packed most of the artwork he'd done on New Earth to remind him of his stay there. And Kathryn was on the ship. She was his home more than anything. He could have chosen to remain on the planet, but with his heart on *Voyager*, it would have been pointless. He couldn't even imagine one day alone on New Earth. No, the real reason it had become his home was because they were together.
"Commander?" Tom asked, breaking into his reverie. Paris was rewarded with a huge grin from Chakotay.
"Thanks, Tom," he said, clapping the young man on the shoulder. "I'm glad we had the chance to talk."
"Yeah, me too," Tom said, wondering what he missed. Chakotay's step had new energy and he practically bounded out of the holodeck. "Damn, Paris, you're good," he said to himself. "Maybe I should be charging for this service."
*********