Cube Root, Turnip Root

Tune: "Woman Piaba, Man Piaba" (Harry Belafonte Songbook)
New Lyrics: Sherman Dorn and Elizabeth Margareta Griffith

When I was a lad just five-foot three,
certain questions appeared to me
so I asked Rich Arnold (Paramount) quite seriously
to tell me about warp drive and c.
He (they) stammered and stuttered pathetically,
and this is what he (they) said to me:

Chorus:
Light is a barrier that we cannot pass,
but the warp induction loop grows like grass.
Square root, cube root, turnip root, oogh!
And the stars zoom like that!

It was clear as mud but it covered the ground.
Confusion made my head go round.
When I thought of warp drive my brain turned to rot,
so I asked Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott.

He said: Son,
The bonnie lass is hurt and canna go faster
Over her engines I am the master.
Sweating in the Jeffries Tube and swearing my best
gives dilithium a little zest.

Wearing a kilt and blowing the pipes
is the best way to reinforce a stereotype.
So if Spock's ear tip doesn't move,
I am positive that it will prove . . .

Chorus

It was clear as mud but it covered the ground.
Confusion made my head go round.
I was placed in statis by Leonard McCoy
and a hundred years later asked Deanna Troy.

She said: Sir,
I feel that you are very mad
and to me as a counselor that makes me sad.
No one should be without an explanation
of the ship in this new generation.

Data's almost human and so is Riker.
Ro Laren is gruff, but we kind of like her.
The ensemble crew all has starred,
and we go with the word of Jean-Luc Picard:

Chorus

I've now gone on a million-light-year trip
and don't even have myself a ship.
How can I pass the Starfllet test
when the facts are such a pest?

I've been through all the episodes and through all the books
and the question always gets me dirty looks
and now that I intend to toss my tv,
I don't give a damn, you see, if . . .

Chorus

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