Damned Infernal Elevators

Tune: "Little Fuzzy Animals" (Frank Hayes)

When you arrive at an sf con, expect some good, clean fun.
You might see some Klingons or vampires: Greet each and every one.
You might even find a place to sleep, to read, to talk and sup,
but those damned infernal elevators slow you up.

Those damned, infernal elevators,
Wait-eternal elevators,
damned, infernal elevators slow you up.

There's evidence of creatures from a strange and unknown world
From Japanimation to the art-show null-gee chests unfurled.
After parties and the scheming of the LARPers you will find
that those damned, infernal elevators blow your mind

Those damned, infernal elevators,
Wait-eternal elevators,
damned, infernal elevators blow your mind.

You would swear that every elevator has a little brain
programmed to perform the way that's known to cause most pain
whether stopping each and every floor or passing members by,
all those damned, infernal elevators make men cry.

Those damned, infernal elevators,
Wait-eternal elevators,
damned, infernal elevators make men cry.

Our country's spacey policies and hist'ry make us talk.
To conspiratory theories many sf fen will flock.
There's a cock-sure expert laying out his evidence to show,
but those damned, infernal elevators no one knows.

Those damned, infernal elevators,
Wait-eternal elevators,
damned, infernal elevators no one knows.

The cause of all our woes is to push us out of chairs,
to march us to the exit sign and get us climbing stairs.
The Exercise Commission of the whole United States
makes those damned, infernal elevators motivate.

Those damned, infernal elevators,
Wait-eternal elevators,
damned, infernal elevators motivate!

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