Tune: "Margaret's Lament" (Jodi Krangle)
Jodi:
My love sails away at high tide,
and his kisses are sweet as we part.
He swears he'll return with the fortune he'll earn.
[Allison guffaws.]
And then he'll ne'er leave my side.
[Debbie holds up sign: Yeah, right!]
My love sails away with the tide.
Jodi [stops singing]: Hey, what are you doing?
Allison: I'm sorry, but this is so unrealistic. Think about this ballad. Margaret thinks her lover's going to be back a rich man and stay with her, she discovers he's been doing it on the side with a young thing and they're both pregnant, and after the twit goes with Mary, Margaret just ups and leaves for the sea? She's such a . . .
Audience reads Debbie's sign: A doormat!
Jodi: This is a ballad. You could imagine something different?
Allison: Let a redhead sing it:
[verse melody]
Young Mary's his love, too, she said.
Well, when my love returns, he'll be dead.
Two-timing he'll rue, for my aim with be true.
[Debbie motions cutting with a knife.]
Don't make sea women see red.**
That's how my true love lost his head.
[Debbie shrugs innocently.]
[**Performance note: "Don't," "women," and "red" are on the downbeats.]
[the following is while vamping by Allison]
Jodi: And what about the kids?
Allison: Oh, yeah, you think sea voyages are only a year long? I think Margaret would've been pretty pissed with a typical merchant's voyage that lasts a few years.
Jodi: She'd have to do a lot to survive with a kid.
Allison: That's the point.
[bridge melody]
The asshole's been gone for eight years,
having left Mar' and I each a doll.
They have learned how to shoot and to make alcohol.
And when he docks, it'll be clear
That their mothers are women to fear.
[still vamping]
Jodi: Okay, so you want Margaret to go after the guy and do the survivalist/anarchist thing with the kids.
Allison: Well, that's not exactly what happens.
Jodi: Uh, oh.
Allison: You see, this is not only a parody but an OVFF contest entry and the theme is "Monster Mash."
Jodi: Oh, no, what are you doing to my lyrics????!
Allison: There's only one place to get good monster themes . . .
Debbie holds up sign: B Movies!
Jodi: Bride of Frankenstein?
Allison: No.
Jodi: Swamp Thing?
Allison: No.
Jodi: Creature from the Black Lagoon?
Allison: No.
Jodi: Plan 9 from Peter Lorre's Pitted Potpourri Pot?
Allison points to the silent partner.
Debbie holds up sign: Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman!
Jodi: Aaaiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!
Allison: Just as the sailing ship appears over the nearest crag, a giant flyer saucer lands outside the village, and a giant alien walks out. He inspects the town and picks up Margaret. She screams, he thinks he's landed in the middle of a filksing, and rushes back to his ship and leaves. But his touch has left its mark.
Jodi: Uh-huh.
Allison: Margaret starts growing and growing and growing.
Debbie's sign: Like "Old Time Religion"
Jodi: Meantime, the guy in question is coming off the ship.
Allison: Injured.
Jodi: Don't you think this is a bit one-sided already?
Allison: Hey, take a look at your original! Yeah, so the bastard comes on shore with a wooden leg.
Jodi: Oh, that's just great. What is he going to do, bash her about her big toe?
Allison: It's okay, cause she's now Fifty-Foot Peg.
[verse melody]
I once was a sea widow mouse
But now I've come out of the house.
My true love, he has leap'd, but that's where I have stepped.
His ardor has now been quite doused,
And I'm rid of a wee little louse.
Jodi: It Bogles the mind.
Copyright © 1997,
Sherman DornThis page hosted by
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