DISCLAIMER: MTV holds full and exclusive rights to the Real World concept, as does Marvel over the X-Men characters. However, this is a parody, and thus should be protected under copyright law. Copyright 1996, Dawn Bobby and Lea Downie.

Address any and all comments to ME and/or Lea. Thanks for reading--we hope you laugh as hard as we did...

Oh, and before I forget? Though this story doesn't have sex in it, it does have adult themes. I'd rate it about PG-13. There might be a bad word or two, but nothing that wouldn't get on MTV.

And if this idea has already been done....we didn't know about it. We did this all in one night, goofing off.

THE REAL WORLD: ANCHORAGE

(Snowy Alaska...a cabin in the woods.)

Caption: HANK
(blue furred man in lab coat and glasses)
"This is the true story..."

Caption: ALEX
(blond man blows off Chevy Suburban door with accidental plasma burst)
"Of seven strangers..."

Caption: PETE
(dark haired man cheekfirst into Beef Wellington, cigarette dangling from slack mouth and beer bottle dripping off table)
"Picked to live in a cabin..."

Caption: LOGAN
(man with funny winged hair cracking open beer can with bone claw from back of hand)
"And have their lives taped..."

Caption: EMMA
(ice blonde woman in white g-string and corset, reading "Lady Chatterly's Lover" by firelight)
"To find out what happens..."

Caption: TABITHA
(lighting "PETE'S" cigarette with time bomb) Caption: RAVEN
(morphing from pale mutant male with diamond on forehead, to green-eyed redhead, to self, blue skin and red hair)
"And start getting REAL. The Real World: Anchorage."

(Black and white screen)
Caption: LOGAN
(Glaring at camera, smoking a cigar. 5 second intense silence.)

(Cut to: Anchorage airport. LOGAN slumped in plastic chair at gate, reading newspaper, smoking cigar. Pan slightly over his head to THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING sign.)

(ALEX walks down chute from plane, carrying a huge duffel bag. He spots LOGAN and begins talking as soon as within earshot:)

ALEX: Are you Logan? I'm sorry the plane was late. It was my fault. I don't know how it was my fault, but if I were more like my older brother, it wouldn't have happened. It was all me, me, me. My fault...

LOGAN: (grumbling) Yer Alex, alright. (begins walking away toward baggage claim)

ALEX: That Olympic bombing was my fault, too. I don't know how, but it was. It had to have been. I was in the same country, so it was my fault...If I'd gone to Paris with Scott and everybody, it wouldn't have happened. I...(continues constant monologue as camera fades to black)

Caption: TABITHA
They were so...RUDE! I mean, they just walk off...don't even wait for me...Hello! (snaps bubble gum like automatic gunfire) I'm here, too. Is it just 'cuz I'm a GIRL, or what?! (flings body back against chair, blowing bubble)

(Baggage claim. Bag after bag after bag drops onto the carousel.)

Caption: ALEX
I felt just TERRIBLE. I didn't even see her, and I couldn't get Logan to stop and wait, and then we go to get the bags, and...God it was awful.

(KABOOM! Bag explodes as Alex reaches for it. Pink, white and yellow lace undies fly everywhere, as do recognizable shards of a blow dryer, makeup mirror, various cosmetics.)

(Cut to Logan smearing blob of lipstick off his nose with the edge of his thumb, but leaving pink lace undies on his head. Point of winged hair points through one leg of the undies.)

CAPTION: LOGAN
(Cigar. 7 second silence. Glaring.)

(Cut to: Sounds of dogs barking. A sled whooshes through the snow, pulled by six dogs. Two people are on the sled: One, a blue furred man in a heavy, beaverskin coat, wearing mirrored sunglasses, drives the heavily laden sled. A man sucking from a scotch bottle, also wearing a beaverskin coat, is sitting in the sled, clinging on for dear life.)

PETE: Slow down! Raven! Bloody -bleeeeep- hell! I'll heave my -bleeeeep- guts on your hairy backside if you don't slow the -bleep- down!

(One of the dogs looks over her shoulder at the sled, appears to grin, and runs faster.)

PETE: Useless flea-bitten bitch...

(Cut to LOGAN, ALEX AND TABITHA in Bronco. ALEX is sitting dejectedly inback seat, staring out the window. TABITHA is blowing huge bubble. LOGAN is driving. He still has not removed the panties from his hair.)

Caption: TABITHA
He wouldn't give me back my underwear! But like I'M going to ask him... Gawd, he acted like he wears panties on his head all the time.

Caption: LOGAN
(Drinking scotch from bottle. Glares briefly at camera. Washes scotch around in mouth as if considering whether he should spit it at the lens. Decides he'd rather swallow. Looks away. 4 second silence.)

Caption: ALEX
It was all my fault. If I hadn't picked up the bag, then he wouldn't be wearing her panties on his head, and the U.S. Men's Volleyball team wouldn't have lost to Bulgaria and that Turkish cameraman wouldn't have died of a heart attack and Chuck and Di would still be married...and....

(Loud noise coming from a distance. THUP, THUP, THUP! Helicopter decends upon well packed snow in front of giant log cabin. Ice blonde wearing mink coat steps out. Four men carrying very large bags follow her. She enters cabin, deposits her belongings in largest bedroom and walks into another.)

Caption: EMMA
I don't know what over paid, under-achieving idiot designed this house, but ONE bathroom? (arches eyebrows) Really. I should buy the firm and have him flayed. Actually, I'll do that myself. Personally.

(Handheld camera follows her as she inspects each of the three bedrooms, two with two double beds and one with three. She picks up one of the comforters, gauging its weight. Camera follows her into the large kitchen with an island, a breakfast bar and a pantry, fully stocked. She examines the all-copper pans hanging above the island and frowns.)

EMMA: Is this a joke?

Caption: EMMA
It would be ADEQUATE if I were ALONE.

(Cut to dogs barking outside as sled approaches. PETE is leaning over the side.)

PETE: HUUURRRRK!

(splattering sounds heard)

PETE: HUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRK! -Bleeeeep- throttle that HUURRRK -bleeep- mangy little URP -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-.

HANK: Oh my stars and garters....

(One of the dogs morphs into a blue skinned woman with red hair, a white leather outfit and a white fur coat. She smiles with satisfaction at PETE.)

PETE: I think that was me -bleeep- gall bladder! Look! You've made me lose me -bleeep- gall bladder! Oh, my eyes! Somebody stop breathing so -bleeep- loud, I'm getting a headache.

(EMMA stands at the doorway, glaring at RAVEN'S white ensemble.)

(Cut to Bronco. ALEX has his head in his hands. TABITHA spits her fourth piece of gum out the window and unwraps a fifth. LOGAN is still wearing panties on his head, cigar clenched in his teeth.)

ALEX: And I just know Vietnam was my fault. It doesn't matter that the French lost control and asked the States to step in. If I hadn't been born, none of that would have happened.

(BACKGROUND MUSIC: Beck-"Loser". "..I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me....)

ALEX: And World War II....I know I wasn't born yet, but my dad was, and I was probably a little sperm then and it's all my fault.

TABITHA: (pops bubble) Are we there yet?

ALEX: And you know....Rome probably wouldn't have fallen...

LOGAN: (closeup shows the end of the cigar is bitten through. He swallows down the little hunk of tobacco and adjusts the cigar in his teeth.)

Caption: ALEX
I hate to even bring it up, but do you think the Pharaoh would have let the Israelites go...

TABITHA: Please tell me we're there yet.

LOGAN: (driving up a steep switchback, looks over the edge to the 250 foot drop. Chews the cigar. 15 second silence. Glaring at Alex. Glaring at dropoff. Glaring at bubble gum. Glaring at dropoff. Pulls bottle of scotch from under seat and takes a swig. Keeps driving.)

(Handheld shows Bronco pulling up to cabin, and TABITHA leaps out of the door before the vehicle even stops moving. She runs for the door and finds RAVEN and EMMA standing on the bearskin rug in front of the fireplace, both wearing white g-strings and little else.)

TABITHA: What is this, a Hugh Hefner Dream Vacation?!

PETE: (staring blankly at the two women) Gaaaaaah.... (drooling)

ALEX: (stopping dead at the door, staring) Duuuuuhhhh... (drooling)

HANK: (staring at the two women, swallowing hard so as not to drool, murmuring under his breath) Oh my stars and garter belts...

LOGAN: (elbows Alex aside. Grins. He is still wearing the panties on his head.)

(The moment is spoiled, as PETE gets dry heaves and HANK drags him to the bathroom. Cut to PETE lying in the bathtub, unconscious, empty scotch bottle clutched lovingly to his chest.)

EMMA: Out....of my bathroom. Put him in the snow. That will wake him up.

HANK: Madam, I....I didn't mean to say madam....I didn't mean to imply you were a...never mind. Oh, how dreadfully embarrassing... That is....I...surely I...I mean you....can't...

EMMA: Spit it out, you gibbering twit.

HANK: (trying not to stare at her breasts) I...er...he'll get hypothermic, and his metabolism will decline and perhaps he will die...

EMMA: And your point is....?

HANK: (hopelessly, helplessly staring at her breasts) Nothing...er....nothing at all....

EMMA: I guessed as much.

RAVEN: Never mind. I'll warm him up. Run along, children...unless you want to play....

HANK: (staring at both women's breasts, not knowing where to look, but looking like he's watching a tennis match.)

TABITHA: Well, that didn't take long. Aren't we supposed to build up some kind of sexual tension or something?

ALEX: You're not tense?

TABITHA: You wish.

END

HANK: Next time, on the Real World:

(Door opens. An auburn haired woman in jeans and a turtleneck is standing on the porch. Snow is coming down so thickly that visibility is perhaps five feet. Her tummy is slightly rounded, and she is holding a cup)

WOMAN: Could you spare, peut-etre, some sugar?

(Cut to blue flash on living room bear skin rug. Woman materializes next to Henry, who, rather perplexed, apparently has his arms around her identical twin. Horrified, he recoils, just before the dark haired woman punches him in the nose. Screaming catfight ensues.)