EPISODE TWO: NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS

Caption: TABITHA
It was so OBVIOUS they expected all us women to room together. Three women, three beds in one room. Duh.

Caption: EMMA
I do not sleep in the same room with other women. Period. (Offscreen: RAVEN'S voice: I can fix that.) (EMMA glares offscreen and a screech of pain is heard.)

Caption: TABITHA
But the guys had it way worse.

(Short clip of bathroom, PETE in tub, HANK taking pulse and counting from his watch.)

Caption: TABITHA
Hank INSISTED on watching PETE all night, so's he didn't....what's that word? (Offscreen: HANK'S voice: Aspirate) As-pi-rate...Yeah, that's it. So he didn't swallow his puke.

Caption: HANK
Actually, I was more concerned he'd BREATHE it. Hence the word "aspirate."

Caption: TABITHA
Whatever. So that meant LOGAN got to room with ALEX. THAT went over well...

Caption: LOGAN
(Glaring anywhere but the camera. Scotch glass explodes in his grip. Ignores bleeding hand and growls menacingly.)

(Clip: Middle of night. Moonlight shines in on ALEX's face)
ALEX: The Hundred Years' War wouldn't have been half that long if I had never been born. Even though I wasn't. And Troy...oh, don't even get me started on Troy......Paris took Helen because of me. I was totally responsible. Maybe it was a past life sort of thing...)

(Sound clip: SCHLUKT! A shadow flies over ALEX'S bed. LOGAN's two outer claws are imbedded into the mattress on either side of ALEX'S neck. The middle claw is not extruded.)

LOGAN: I'm only gonna say it once, bub. Shut. Up.

Caption: TABITHA
I don't even wanna KNOW what happened there...

Caption: PETE
All I know is...one minute, I'm in a pub, mindin' me own business with me drip line o' scotch, an' the next, I'm on a -bleeeep- dog sled pulled by a woman who took me "bitch" comment lit'raly and I'm on some -bleeeeep- telly programme with a bunch of other mutie freaks. Me mum hardly knows I'm a mutant....now the whole -bleeeep- world is watchin' me lose me gall bladder in the -bleeeep- snow....Never mind I lost Pryde last night in the bathtub. I thought mebbe I was dreamin' or some such rot, but...-bleeeeeeeeeep-.... I wonder where she got to....

Caption: HANK
I was SO surprised, I must confess, to see Ginny stop by. That's my, er, well, my lady friend. She's also a doctor. She's been handling the Legacy Research in the lab while I've been gone, and though we've agreed that later on she will come and collect me to help--she's a teleporter--I hope she doesn't mind me saying that--for the first week, she would stay away so I could settle in.

(Clip showing HANK and Ginny in hot tub outside, while snow falls on them, and steam rises.)

But it was a delight to see her. It always is. She's a very special lady....

Capion: TABITHA
They're too cute for WORDS. (rolling eyes and grimacing) I'm getting cavities around them... I wish Sam would come see me, the slob. Hear that, Sam? Come see me!

Caption: ALEX
(Sitting tensely in chair, looking at camera miserably. Opens mouth to speak. Offscreen sound: SCHLUKT! Closes mouth abruptly.)

(RAVEN walks into living room, touches answering machine.)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Hello. You have...one..messages. (Beeep)

VOICE: LOGAN, this is Misty. We met at the...(giggle)....bar...last niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii--- (prolonged screams and gurgles).
AUTOMATED VOICE: That was your last message.

RAVEN: And hers. Poor kid. Well. Better go see if he needs consolation...

(There is a loud knocking at the door. ALEX hesitates, looking around for someone, anyone else to answer, so he doesn't have to speak. He's out of luck. He goes to the door and opens it, and outside on the porch is an auburn haired woman in a white turtleneck and jeans. She has snow in her wet hair, her clothes are soaked, and there is a little shelf of snow on her rounded, obviously pregnant tummy.)

ALEX: (stuttering) Uh...can I help you?

WOMAN: (holds out plastic cup) Yes, please. Could you spare, peut-etre, some sugar?

(Later: HANK walks by blinking answering machine. Pushes button.)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Hello. You have...one...messages. (Beeep)

VOICE: Hi, Logan! This is Justine! I hope you're home! I bought you some beer! Why don't you.....AAAAAAAAA! (prolonged screams and gurgles).
AUTOMATED VOICE: That was your last message.

HANK: My gracious!

(A huge and terrible noise is heard outside the cabin: first a sonic boom, and then the roaring sound of a jet engine.)

LOGAN: Don't tell me they parked in the front yard....

(All seven run to the front door to see what's going on. Only HANK and LOGAN are not curious. In fact, they are looking a little dismayed.)

(A huge Blackbird jet is parked in the front yard next to the Bronco. About a half dozen trees are knocked over to make it fit. A debarking ramp lowers to the ground, and a strange, floating, goldtone cart or scooter drifts down and over the snow. Two others in blue and gold spandex suits follow behind the bald man in the cart.)

HANK, PETE and LOGAN: -bleeeeeeep-

PETE: Who the -bleeep- is that?

LOGAN: Yer gonna find out, bub, whether ya like it 'r not.

(The bald man in his cart stops in front of LOGAN, staring at the panties on his head.)

Caption in cursive script: Charles Xavier, Logan's Boss

XAVIER: (grumbles to self a moment, then folds hands to a steeple in front of his face) Well, I must say, I'm extremely disappointed in you....and you, Henry. Turn that camera off, please (with a cold look at the camera).

LOGAN: (oddly pleased) The rules o' the show are that everythin's taped. Sorry, Chuck.

XAVIER: Which is precisely why I don't want you on it. I said, turn off that camera. (looking utterly perplexed that he is not being instantaneouly obeyed).

HANK: (moving past some of the others to the front) I am sorry, Charles, but the cameramen are equipped with anti-telepathy bands.

XAVIER: And precisely where did they RECEIVE these bands, might I ask?

HANK: Er...well....that is....I thought it would help....as a precaution against EMMA'S powers...you understand.

XAVIER: So not only are you and LOGAN taking an unauthorized...vacation....from your responsibilities....and wearing undergarments on your heads....but you are appropriating Institute technology to aid you in your frivolity?

EMMA and LOGAN: And your point is...?

ALEX: (stepping forward shamefully) I'm sorry, sir, it's all my fault.

XAVIER: (blank look at ALEX, then LOGAN) Do I know this person? Scott? Jean?

SCOTT: (clearing throat) Uh, yes, sir, that's ALEX.

XAVIER: Alex...?

SCOTT: My...brother, sir.

XAVIER: (trying to reconcile the thought and failing) Really. How fascinating. (Stern disapproval in his voice) I never would have guessed.

SCOTT: I know, sir.

ALEX: Oh shut up, Scott! Just because you do EVERYTHING better and never make mistakes, I'm always supposed to look up to you. Well...well...

TABITHA: Seven strangers, huh? This show is a fraud.

ALEX: At least I have a PERSONALITY!! It sucks, but I have one!!

EMMA: He does have a point. A small point. But he does have a point.

SCOTT: I have a personality.

HANK, LOGAN, ALEX, EMMA and JEAN: WHERE?!

EMMA: Where have you been hiding it?

HANK: It's never seen the light of day as far as I know...

Caption: RAVEN
And this went on for hours, until Xavier finally left. The only thing that was even slightly interesting was the little whispers that went back and forth between Scott and his wife.

SCOTT: It is not...

JEAN: It is, too.

SCOTT: No way.

JEAN: Logan says so.

SCOTT: Oh, THERE'S an opinion worth writing down...

JEAN: Shut up! Mine's better, and you KNOW it!

XAVIER: (voice booming) SCOTT'S is better. Now the both of you be quiet! (grumbling under breath about wishing he had an anti-telepathy band)

EMMA: Scott's what?

LOGAN: Butt.

EMMA: Now THAT'S debatable.

Caption: ALEX
(Opens mouth to speak. Looks offscreen to low-pitched growl. Changes mind.)

Caption: HANK
It would have been just wonderful. It really would have. Ginny was here, it was just the two of us, and you just couldn't have ordered up a better evening.

Caption: EMMA
Except it wasn't Jeanine. But do you think I was going to tell him that?

(Hank and Ginny are curled up on the bearskin rug, in front of the fireplace, kissing. Suddenly, there is a blue flash behind them, and the real Ginny materializes as they turn around. Hank's fur turns pale, and he shoves the faux Ginny away from him just before the real one hauls off and slugs him in the nose).

HANK: OW!! Why you...?! (lunges after faux Ginny, who is morphing as she runs down the hall)

(The real Ginny flashes in front of RAVEN and slugs her, too. Screaming catfight ensues.)

Caption: EMMA
It was the most interesting thing that's happened yet....

END

ALEX: Next time, on the Real World. If I don't screw it up.

TABITHA: It was RAVEN!!!?? The whole time?

PETE: The whole bloody time, it was the little hairy bitch.

TABITHA: I saw the six cans of Lysol in the trash.

EMMA: (tinkly laughter floats down the hall)

TABITHA: Hey, Pete....we didn't wanta tell ya, but that night with the bathtub an' all...

PETE: No.

TABITHA: Yes.

PETE: HAAAAAANK! Didja save a can o' that rot f'r meeee?!