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Courtroom Bloopers Continued
Counsel: Your Honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: What's the purpose? We have no jury.
Counsel: Oh, I'm sorry, I - that's my favorite line, sir.
Q: And why did you take the tank?
A: I don't know why, sir, except to run over my car. That's the only reasonable answer that I ccan come up with.
Psychiatrist, testifying on behalf of accused who attempted to murder his wife: He was somewhat hurt that, after bestowing watches and mink coats on his wife, his wife had given him a pair of tweezers for Christmas
Q: You ssay you're innocent, yet five people swore that they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can product 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
Judge: Does the defense have an opening statement?
Counsel: Your Honor, the defense would make a brief opening statement. Entrapment. Thank you, your Honor.
Q: Private S, do you believe that you were in violation of the regulation by haviing a switchblade in your posession on the date in question?
A: Well, sir, because of the situation iteself, right, where it is confusing to me on the point, right, wheras I know that I was wrong in haveing, you know, possession of it myself, right, but seeing that its' not mine, you know, like I went out and bought it and I take it from another person becasue, you know, confusion between other pople, and that's how, you know, you get confused and everythign.
Q: On the 29th of march, 1982, did you have occasion to perform and autopsy on Jane C?
A: Yes.
Judge: Not likely.
Counsel: Pardon me, your Honor?
Judge: I said it's not likely, as she is seated in the courtroom.
Q: Have you enjoyed your military life?
Accused: Yes, sir, I have, up until today.
Q: And what did you see when [the accused] pulled down his pants?
A: It looked like a penis, only smaller.
Q: What, if anything, unusual occurred that everning?
A: Well, at approximately 1730 I received a phone call from an unkown person - at the time0- clainimg that he wanted to commit murder, suiceide, and go AWOL.
Q: Was he upset?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Do you remember noticing whether [the victim] was cut or her clothes were --
A: I looked at her shorts. They were cut.
Q: Did you see any blood at that time?
A: No, sir. I guess she was so scared she wasn't bleeding.
Judge: Any suggestings of what prevented this from being a murder trial insterad of an attempted murder tirl.
A: The victim lived.
Q: Was [the accused] rational when whe was talking ot you that evening?
A: No, sir.
Q: What was he?
A: Everybody, you know, was just normal; no one was rational.
Q: What prompted W to swing the punch at M?
A: They were having an argument over who was stupider
Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream?
A: No, ma'am.
Q: Does that mean you consented?
A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
Q: Have you learned anything from this?
A: A whole lot, sir.
Q: What?
A: Don't harass anybody - man, woman, or anything/anybody - unless you first have their consent.
Q: Tell me in your own words why you reached in his pocket and took out the billfold.
A: Somethin to do, I guess, sir.
The defenant, when first observed, was atop the victim in a sublime position.
Where was she?
In the living room?
Is that where you placed her under arrest also?
Yes.
Did you then unarrest the defendant.
Yes.
How did you communicate that to her?
I told her she wasn't under arrest no more.
And then did you arrest her again?
Yes.
And then did you unarrest her again?
Yes.
When did the second unarrest take place?
When the capain told me I was going to be repremanded.
For arresting her or unarresting her?
No, arresting her.
So you arrested the lady, the captain told you to unarrest her, and the captaint tole you you wouldbe repreimanded for arresting her, then you arrested her again?
I arrested her, the captain told me to unarrest her, and knowing that the captain was wrong I arrested her again and then he told me, well you'd better unarrest her. And I unarrested her.
Then what did you do?
I began kicking in the door
Were you wearing boots?
'Yes,sis, size 12
How many times did you kick the door?
About 10.
What was Seargeant Harp doing while you were kicking the door?
Laughing at me.
Two police officers extracted a conferssionfrom a suspect by advicsing him the xerox machine was a lie detecotr. First they put a colander- a salad strainer- pver the suspect's head and wired it to the duplicating machoine. Then, under the xerox lid they placred a slip of paper reading ' he is lying!" Every time the supsect andswered a question, an officer would press the duplicating button and out would pop a xweroxed "He IS Lying!" Finally shaken, the suspect told all. His confession was thrown out by a judge who was not ammused
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer
Court: And why is that?
Def: Because the PD isn't interested in my case.
Cout (to public defender): Do you have any comments on defendant's motion?
PD: I'm sorry, your honor, I wasn't listening.
Cour: OK. When you heard about this case, did you form any opionion about the defendant's quilt or innocence?
Juror: Not really. I just assumed that he had committed the crime.
Court: Were you ever in the service?
Juror: Yes, the Navy.
Court: How long?
Juror: 29 days
Court: without going into detail, why were you discharged.
They found out I was allergic to wool and sea water.
Counsel: How do you feel about criminal defense attorneys
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Counsel: Well than, you are obviously biased for the prosectution.
Juror: What makes you think that, I hate prosecutors too.
Court Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Court: But can't they do without you at work
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Counsel: Is there anything about your physical condition that might make it difficult for you to serve in this case?
Juror: No
Counsel: You don't have doctor appointements todya of teh next coupld of days
Juror: No.
Cousel: Do you have any physical problems with your pregnancy?
Juror: Im not pregnant.
Counsel: Do you have any sort of medical disability?
Witness: Legally blind
Cousel: Does that create substantial problesm with your eyesight as far as seeing things.
Were youy leaning up against the shutdoor or open door?
A shut door. How can you lean against an open door? Theres a hole there. You'd fall through the hole.
Counsel answer the question. When did they have a knife at your throat?
Witness: That was a figure of speech.
Counsel: So they had a figure of speech at your throat?
What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That's the only kind I know.
Although somewhat large for his age, Tony appears somewhat smaller than he actually is.
The boy was arrested for pettty theft after the Earl Warren Junior High was broken in two.
Defendant was seen loitering around a public restroom for the purpose of a lewd and lascivious act, namesly the organ pavillion in the park.
He was arrested for distrubing the peach.
This boy, a surfer, gets along well with his pier group.
Subject owes no one but the finance company for his car and his mother.
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