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Doctor's Bloopers

Doctors are, for the most part, human. Which means they make blunders and bloopers just like anybody else. The current Journal of Polymorphous Perversity offers a collection of oddball medical reports-and as the introduction warns, "this varicose vein of anguished English has in no way been doctored." Some excerpts:
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.

The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the ER and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

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