Go Back 20 Years Or So
September 6, 1977
This is the beginning. The beginning of school and the beginning of the end. The last summer vacation marked the
middle of "The High School Years." This is also the beginning of my second such journal. My first began
at the beginning of Freshman year and is continuing.
September 7, 1977
Today is my sister's birthday, for all that may mean. There is a game (soccer) tonight. Somehow I don't think that
I can get total meaning into only 2 minutes.
September 8, 1977
Now - presence to actually know. To be aware. That is life. Thoughts are made and for eternity they carry on. Thoughts
are the soul of life.
September 9, 1977
Friday. Yesterday was a blast. We went for a walk around the development. We met a few girls and had a bunch of
fun.
September 12, 1977
Strange, thats all I can say. Somehow I knew something was going to happen. So, when the car stalled after the
football game Saturday I wasn't even surprised.
September 13, 1977
Think, my mind is slightly unwound but the action past very slow. I should be able to exercise it by quick reactions.
Especially getting up quickly in the morning.
September 14, 1977
Does He (meaning God) Really have everything to do with all that has happened? Maybe, if He is thee instant of
being.
September 15, 1977
I don't know. I can't concentrate. It's not serious, but it still makes school harder. I pay to much attention
to people (girls), but I guess that's natural.
September 16, 1977
Football game in Youngstown tonight, it should be fun. I wanna get rowdie. I want to have fun. Let's get fired
up.
September 19, 1977
I can't make up my mind. Should I party? Can my body handle it? I think so but can I bounce back? I must distinguish
between reality and just dumb fun.
September 20, 1977
I have to realize that reality is now. So now we are thinking aboutgoing to Mt. Vernon, Ill. for Thanksgiving.
It should be a blast. I certainly hope so. Things are coming. My, I hope that they are good. Dance on the 30th.
September 21, 1977
We are actually getting a swim team together for LC. We have seven and need one more for two relays.
September 22, 1977
I have to work on thinking and thats the same thing that I've been saying since ninth grade. I must excercise my
brain. I think that the rest of my body is being exercised.
September 23, 1977
I learned that Margie is moving to New Jersey in January.
September 26, 1977
The football game was something else. I broke in my new bowl. Then we went to the sock hop. It was strange. It
felt like it was part of my dream. Yet, I knew it was real.
September 27, 1977
How do you teach yourself not to worry about what will be of has been? I know that what I want is to live my life
each day as a single day.
September 28, 1977
What should I do? Should I live my life to praise God to no end? Should I think of nothing else? Or, should I try
to find out as much as I can about the world that I will live in for only 100 years. (Give or take 84.) I will
ultimately know only a fraction of it. If I were lazy and loafed through life causing me to be poor would I make
it to Heaven? (or final rest) After all, it is said that a poor man can reach Heaven easier than a rich man. So,
if you are lazy and don't bother to work, therefore not getting paid and thus being poor means that you can relax,
think of God and not worry about any other part of the world. This doesn't necessarily have to be so, but if it
were India would go to Heaven and America would go to Hell.
September 29, 1977
I heard today that everyone has friends. Well, what is a friend and what is a person who is friendly?
September 30, 1977
Dance tonight. Weekend is near. What will happen, what will not? Football game Saturday, Rally and more.
October 3, 1977
I feel as though I can't think logically. When I can I can't remember as easily as I once could. That means that
I have to work harder. I am still wondering if its pot, or maybe the new classes that are more difficult. I should
find out tomorrow. We are taking the S.R.A. Iowa Basic Skills Test. This will prove it, at least in my mind. I
believe that I can't remember names that well. I never could but now it seems worse.
October 5, 1977
Everyone is talking about Theology class which is actually next period for me. They said that they are doing TM.
Well, I have done similar things, like hot water baths, or another type of mind-body separation that I have been
experimenting with. What will happen?
Reality, what is it? The basic questions again arise - why am I here? What will I cause by my existence? Should
I work for others or should I work for myself? What is important in life? Do I need a type of theory of the universe
to make my life easier? If I believe in some theory of the universe will my life become easier? Believe in God,
or Brahman or UWTB. The beginner, the creator. Believe that life is for humans and that whatever man's mind can
conceive man can produce or create. So as man's mind is productive therefore knowledge breeds more knowledge. Knowledge
breeds more technology
Theology in government? Well, thats what we were talking about. It probably wasn't in the favor of Mrs. Miller
because of the lack of facts used in her speech.
She expects that we all love history and presumes that we have read all these thousands of books.
God doesn't punish by revenge, although she say's so. In fact, if this was so God would be fighting himself.
Are there two areas of awareness?
1) The present.
2) The analysis of reaction to the present. There may be more.
October 6, 1977
I got really messed up last night and I am slightly gone today. I don't know if it is good for me or not. Most
likely the latter.
October 7,1977
I am moving out, I think. A phase has been completed. My energies are being conducted into different areas. Last
night at Luberzol (a chemical company) we are beginning to study photosynthesis. Producing food from H2O and CO2.
It would be excellent in terms of space exploration. Yet, there are still many puzzles left unanswered. Just take
them one at a time. Take your time.
October 10, 1977
Three days to go, impossible. I don't think that I can get it done, but tonight I'll work my ass off. Three hours
tonight.
October 11, 1977
Katie is getting to be a pain. I don't have time for her, but I don't want to lose her. Then there are the others.
My time is still very tight, but if I make it through I will be ready next time.
October 12, 1977
I had an excellent dream last night. It began as a nightmare type dream and ended with a happy ending. It was really
strange. Really strange.
October 13, 1977
My theology project is done, as unbelievable as it may seem.
October 14, 1977
St. Edwards game Saturday. West End Jr.-Sr. free gym and swim tonight. Get psyched alright.
October 17, 1977
I don't know - again - I wish I knew. My mind is not the same, it is always changing. Always different. Slow my
thoughts or speed the reactions or both.
I have discovered a very dangerous realism. I have learned to let my mind leave my body. Yet it is now strange
and I can not get back in. I don't want to go back. Therefore it seems so cloudy and realism seems so far away.
October 18, 1977
Any way I go I go to far. If its being rough or being kind. Its just when I do something I am always extreme. I
am not saying that it is good or saying that it is bad. Maybe I can harness to work for the good.
I am not the same person that I was last year. I have changed so fast. By writing and re-reading I have discovered
the sudden change of thought. Last year I had thought of fantasy. This year I dream of reality. I know what it
would be like but now I want a reality.
I am referring to the writings of mine such as chapter 2 of "My House" which moves to fast for what I
want now. Part I of my journal also moves to fast. Strange, you are a different person every minute of your life.
This can be noticed as sentences change into different areas of thought.
Question: What would happen to a person who would write all the time for years on end till the end of his life?
This may be answered by my life.
October 19, 1977
Why is everyone so concerned about being serious, or not being serious? Why can't everyone just be concerned about
being?
October 24, 1977
Lake beat WWR who beat St. Joes who beat Padua who beat St. Eds who beat Lake. What will happen? Will Lake and
Padua share first place? Then Lake will cream Padua.
Sometimes I think that this journal idea was not a good idea. To much thinking while I am too young for it to do
me any good. (Maybe not.) I just keep asking questions and only get partial answers. I see life differently than
most people. They are either out for a good time now or a good time later. I mean people are either doing all of
their partying now or plan to get rich someway and become successful. (Through hard work in school.) I don't really
care about money or the people, I just want answers to MY questions. Thats why it is so hard to study because my
mind is always searching out these answers. The oldest of these unanswered questions is: what was the first thing
that I ever saw?
Theory: Intelligence is the ability to relate past experiences to present troubles. Therefore to create intelligence
would be to get a computer to ask its own questions.
I must stop deep thought, if not to stop I must control.
Approximately one month until we depart for Mt. Vernon, Ill. I really can't wait. I must experience different things.
The different, I crave the different.
I have just thought about what I am doing. I ask the question why can't I think and concentrate? It must be my
journal. Before my journal I would think about one thing for days, hours or at least a longer time.
When I began my journal I would think a while, then write a while. Now, I can write almost fluently. That is because
my mind functions with a lot of short thoughts instead of one big one. In fact, I just thought: What if I had the
answer to man's suffering and I was interrupted and then killed?
I just thought many thoughts but I didn't have time to write them down.
Analysis of Thought
Is this what the human ought?
Can you do without the bra?
or is this really in the main?
If you think the thought
or you've thought about thinking
they may sound alike
but different they are.
If you do the thing first
and remember this last
Of course you can think it out
and action comes next.
You must measure the time
the reflex as most
You must measure the time
how much before...
The limit of relation of a thought is due to the limit of the knowledge of the most accessible means of communication.
Deep thought is a prison, solitary, solitude. You have what you need for life, but you lack the means of communication
to another. At one time I could not understand why people need people. I figure that I could live on my own, but
now I understand the feeling of loneliness and the need to communicate to someone who can understand me. Even if
this is done through writing.
October 25, 1977
If I have not mentioned it - I am keeping a journal at home and I am on page 270 or so total. That may seem like
a lot, but it's not. It was funny, after reading some of the stuff I wrote Freshman year I see how meaningless
it seems to me now. In mathematics I am now interested in proving that 0/1 = 1/infinity or 1/0 = infinity/1 = infinity.
It makes sense to me now and it seems important, like a revelation. But it did when I was trying to find the radius
of a certain circle containing a given arc. I have one angle and one side and mathematically an equation should
fit but there is always one thing that is missing.
October 26, 1977
Test today. I know it pretty well - I hope. We began our homeroom sign last night and I thought of the idea: "Put
Padua in the Paddy Wagon."
October 27, 1977
Burn your ass.
Burn your nuts.
I want to concentrate on the real life. I forget myself to much. I had the strangest dream last night. It was about
partying in the locker room after a soccer game. It was so real and yet I thought I was really there.
October 28, 1977
I began an epic last night, or should I say, if I finish it and it is accepted it will be an epic. Its about my
life based on my journals. (all 3)
October 31, 1977
The weekend was good, but I was sick. Man was I sick. But my times were really decent. 24.8 in the 50 free. 34.7
in the 50 breast. 27.0 in the 50 fly. 1:05 in the 100 IM. But I screwed up my backstroke royal.
November 1, 1977
I can't stand it I don't know how to react in each class of the day. My reactions must differ or I will be
in total confusion.
Why are so many thoughts flowing? I just went to mass, possibly that may have something to do with it. Another
thing is that I am forced to recall so many facts of my life due to Theology. Thirdly, a chick called Lisa has
a crush on me and I am not sure if I like her.
November 2, 1977
"What is the purpose of life?" is the most common unanswerable question. Yet is it a mentally feasible
question? I have been going crazy lately. I must re-read some writings I hope to find my position - My position
in life.
November 3, 1977
I just took a History test and began a letter to Gold at the Hotel California Gold Rush. This is a long story that
was told by Gold (My cousin Mary Pat) on my Grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary.
November 4, 1977
I screwed up two tests in the last week and I have another one today. I hope that this one doesn't follow suit.
I must do well. Football tonight against Wickliffe. I should be a good game, because they are really up for it.
November 7, 1977
Testing today was very boring, because the tests seemed so easy. I really don't know though. Thanksgiving is getting
closer and I can't wait. Off to Illinois. (Sweet Home Alabama is playing.)
November 8, 1977
I had a crazy dream last night. It was strange because I do remember thinking about the movie "Oh God"
and suddenly I was asleep and thinking about myself experiencing something strange in relation to God.
The dream began and we were in Rome visiting the Vatican. We went to St. Peter's Cathedral and sat down. It was
strange, all of these guys were coming out in procession. They just kept coming and coming until suddenly the Pope
appeared at the end of the line and began Mass. Everything went along normally until the homily when there was
an intermission. At this time the Pope came down from the alter and mingled with the people. I spoke with the Pope
and asked him about his beard. He said that he didn't like it but he kept it for the image.
Then there were a few skirmishes where Ed Whitson was trying to do things that were actually insane and illogical.
For example, he began killing people witha machine gun. Or, he unlocked a door by pushing the middle in then turning
the knob. It was really illogical, but then we came home. (The Pope dropped us off because he was in the area.)
I tried to explain it to my mother. I couldn't, because I couldn't understand it myself. So I talked to Sr. Roberta
who asked a lot of questions which I answered illogically. She was especially astounded by the use of an intermission
at mass.
So, we went back to the Vatican and when we got there I realized almost immediately that the whole place was different.
We still went on and went to mass. The mass was very much different than the one I had previously attended. It
was quiet and solemn. The sounds that were made were like the humming of people rather than talking or shouting.
Sr. Roberta said that this might not be the place, because there are other churches or small chapels. So we passed
down the hall until we came to another alter surrounded by floor. Everyone there was sitting in the lotus position
meditating.
I am not sure about the ending to this dream. Yet, I remember seeing the face of this so-called Pope. I know that
it was not the real Pope, because I have seen Pope Pauls picture. Another striking thing is that I remember being
asked "Was it Pope Paul or Pope Peter?" I don't know to much about Popes, but I know that there hasn't
been a Pope Peter recently.
I don't know what to do, but this is confusing.
Dreams are strange. Sometimes they bear down and sometimes you forget them before you awake.
Why? Why do I write these entries? Is it not to make my life longer? When I put my beliefs down on paper the paper
will live or survive longer than I. Therefore I pass on knowledge to those that have been born after my death.
This is well and this is good. Eternal life is the presence that you have created and will live on and on in the
hearts and minds of man forever.
November 9, 1977
It was pretty funny, what I wrote in yesterday's entry in my "Thought Book II." I wrote it because I
think that my mom is reading it. So, I think that this will really blow her mind. I think that David Feldkamp is
an ass. He wants a half of a nickle. Tell me, who sells half a nickle. I am tempted to buy the other half, but
I still have part of one at home. I don't know.
November 10, 1977
Test today on Sidartha. I don't know, but I must retreat. I must return to my original way of thinking. This new
way lacks logic.
November 11, 1977
Joes tomorrow. Kill. Yes, but also kill Tallmage. Get Psyched?
November 14, 1977
Meet was cancelled or postponed. Joes won, so what is the forward movement. What is of now and what about my half
nickle. When will I get it?
(later)
Parents make it sound like all you need are good grades and you'll have a blast for the rest of your life. Somehow,
I am not sure about this.
Lisa is getting to be a problem and she wants me to eat dinner at her house. I know that I don't have much time
to spend on a chick. I don't know - again. She is not my idea of my type of chick. She has restrictions set up
- mentally at least. I think that I'm in a trap. What makes it worse is that I like her friend Ann. I think it
might just be another case of the grass being greener in someone else's yard.
November 15, 1977
I got it. Yes, and I am scared to death. I'll just act natural and I'll have nothing to worry about. I guess it's
OK - I hope.
(later)
Dreams
We sleep and dream away part of our life, but what is the purpose. Well, what happens in our dreams is real and
what happens in life is real. Life lets you escape into outer space. While, dreams allow you to escape into inner
space. Therefore, death is when the line follows the middle.
Dreams can let your mind escape into your logical reality. What you believe to be real is real in the inner space.
What is real in outer space? The reality is a combination of general logic of all things in the universe evolved
from reaction X.
November 17, 1977
Christ comes at the wrong time? If so, he'll probably come during my life, because I am not prepared.
(later)
Another answer to the question of death. What man does during his life tells what will happen after death. If he
is willing to accept death, death will be peaceful. If he is anchored to the earthly ideals his soul will forever
struggle to get back to earthly life causing infinite pain and agony. (Men who recognize death and do not fear
it will wait peacefully for the day when man will be recreated in glory.)
Why can't I understand completely what I write? I give my ideas, yet they are not completely understood. Strange,
what if I were living in Jeruselem in 13AD. I could argue with the teacher in the Temple. What I am trying to say
is that my mind must be aiming in the general direction as the Great Teacher, The Messiah, Jesus Christ. Big thought,
aye, well saints are few now days and if Scientific proof were to be established then there would be something
similar to the Pox Romana. If technology did prove the pro-God and explained every needed idea we would be trapped
of advancement, like the Pennsylvania Dutch. (They believe Advancement to be evil, yet none are pure. They use
the wheel, the house, the window etc...)
If I wanted to, I could tear down every religion. Yet, every religion must serve a purpose. If the purpose is good
in the mind of the participants, then the religion is good.
I just thought - My mind moves and fluctuates to rapidly. I find pleasure in scanning my thoughts to and fro. I
believe that every person thinks more than they think they think. What they think by habit and what they think
by awareness.
I am afraid to loose my awareness of thinking. I mean to do things without thinking. Acting by means of subconscience.
My subconscience must not be filled, I think that when I am stoned I can remember. I don't know, NOBODY KNOWS.
(still later)
I feel blank, asleep, tired. The thoughts are swimming in my mind and a story comes to mind. In a small town in
a fairly modern age two kids met in a school. The school was called St. Mary's. The kids names are not important,
but what they did is.
First day of school:
"I haven't seen you around these parts."
"My parents just moved during the summer because of a graded promotion do to an active interest in the new
plant."
"Oh, but couldn't you have just said that he was transferred?"
"Yes, but my need to make new friends is great therefore using knowledge gained in the literary skills is
necessary to make a feasible impression."
"That's not necessary for a friend is a friend for life."
"Restate that data as a logical presumption."
"I just said that when you meet a friend, and they are a true friend you do not need to impress then."
"But, I don't have a friend."
"You do now, I am."
"How can you prove it?"
"I put up with you when you were talking in a formal tone."
"Yes, that's so, but wouldn't anybody?"
"Not necessarily."
November 21, 1977
1.5 more days of school. We will drive to Mt. Vernon, Ill. to visit our cousins. We will have parties! I must be
fine. I can't think right now.
November 22, 1977
The things people take seriously. The things they take lightly. Sometimes I wonder what is right. Well, I have
a quiz now.
(later)
I will never be satisfied. I get something, then I want better. I do something, then I wish that I had done better.
Of course I am lazy, where I don't care, but if I did, I should have been better.
I have a test after school today. Nobody has taken it but I must. I will, of course!
November 29, 1977
The weekend was fun, but it passed by way to fast. The climax was the last night the party that was not supossed
to be.
(later)
I finely found some energy. Its strange how I want to do everything. I have found a goal. Swimming is a goal. Girls
are a goal. But, my number one goal is to live life.
(later)
How can you live away - away from someone you know and like. So far away - 500 miles. Visits may come once in a
while. Maybe years, maybe months before the next visit. I must live my life apart yet there must be hope. Dale
is her name. She is crazy. She is cool. She is! maybe she's not perfect, but I like her.
Funny how the ones I like don't like me. Yet, the ones I don't care about do like me. I know girls from Arizona
to New Jersey. I must explore, there must be more. Pity that distance is such a burden.
November 30, 1977
She wants us to reflect upon a passage from "Corinthians." It is about the "yes" of the father.
It shows the "Y" being the cross and the "e" and the "s" are the body of Christ.
Somehow I know why it makes sense to other people, but to me it makes no difference. I am stubborn and I try not
to be ignorant. But, I am and I know that I am.
(later)
I am screwed up again. What I don't know is what is important. I need a goal. I want a goal that is easy, because
I am lazy. That is why when I get a goal I give up when it's to hard. Life must go on! I must remember that no
matter what happens in life it is an experience. Experiences must be had, or life stands still. I have forgotten
this, but it has just come to mind.
December 1, 1977
Lisa is getting to be a pain. I don't know what to do. What ever I do I hope that it will turn out right. I still
want to be friends, but not the way she wants.
(later)
Today, a new Aerosmith album is due to be released. So, you say, so is right, but it promises to tell the future
of the group. If it is shit, they will be downed. Yet, if it is a masterpiece then they will again be acclaimed
as a great group. I am hopeful, yet I don't really care that much for them. I used to think it was good music,
but now? Well, they're OK, but personally Rush is better.
December 2, 1977
I can't believe it, but it only takes cheating to pass History. I guess that's what I'll have to do. Miller is
the densest teacher that I have ever had, but she still has her principles. It's psychological warfare from now
on.
(later)
Dad's bonus - wow, we go out to dinner tonight and to the mall. I do not know what I want to get. I started a story
yesterday, it has no title, but it sure is strange. I don't even know what I want to happen. I think that I'll
write as what I comprehend to happen. It would be written like "My House." It would be a fictional fantasy.
It would be an illusion in the mind of the one trying to be expressed in words to another.
December 5, 1977
60, 67, 93: These are the three grades on my history tests. It averages to a 73. I did not get a deficiency in
history. I did get one in geometry - the one in which I got an A - last year.
(later)
The snow is falling and every kid in school is at odds with the system. They wait for the leader to lead them in
mutiny against the teachers. They were forced to school, but the teachers don't care if they get home or not. People
keep coming, but they feel as if they were forced against their will. Nothing will happen though, it never does.
Everyone gets excited, then nothing happens. Something only happens when people aren't ready for it. I master control
!!!!!
December 6, 1977
I am lost in the middle of the sea of life. I know what to do when I encounter it, but I have no maps nor do I
know where I am going.
(later)
For the last few months I have really been interested in how and why I think and feel or act the way I do. It is
a very dangerous procedure which I have under gone. I have become very confused at times and I really forgot how
I used to act in the beginning. I am changing. For the better or for the worse is the question.
I speak only when necessary or I may get confused with my response, or else I may question (in my mind) the response
of either parties etc...
I have decided though that I must begin to forget these studies, at least until my latter years. The hard part
is that my mind is still curious. Therefore, I must put my efforts into another field that must be more interesting.
This search must go on, but in the mean time I am lost in oblivion.
(later)
Down it fell thick and white
Not in layers or really light
Winds, they blew
Snow, it flew
All over the land
All over the sky
Lindo stood and looked about
People scurried flung about
What they did seemed insane
All the moving was in vain
All over the land
All over the city_
Lindo knew what was so
Though his mighty mind said "No"
What was done was the fate
All the rest was second rate
All over the world
All over the earth
This division - sector Zu
was all that Lindo ever knew
He sat and watched what they did
He saw everything, even when they hid
All over the earth
All over the Sec_tor
He was God and knew it so
What a burden just to know
He was there and that was true
but the end would come unless he knew
Everything through out the land.
Everything time in hand
Then he said "Ta hell with it"
and he left to take a shit
At this time life had dilated
Just to think if he were constipated
Energy, force within
tell us how you have found
the wondrous or the fatel light
Energy and jealousy
this is what the power conceived
Self control let me think
the possible chance of pleasure
flows from here
flows to there.
December 8, 1977
Isn't it funny how people think that what they know is all that is important. What about the other people?
From the beginning your attitude forms your faith and faith creates your life. This is because faith is your life.
(later)
Wow! Yesterday it snowed and snowed. No school. Shortened schedule today because it is the fact of the Immaculate
Conception. I don't know. Nobody knows as I said before.
It was funny though how I thought that if I had faith I could do anything. I said that man was a doubter and it
was nearly impossible to break him of the habit. With every example of something happening I knew that I had faith,
thats why it happened. I mean if you had faith 2+2 could equal 5, but no-one has this great a faith. They doubt
until their doubt has been proven upon the thing being proved they have the unbreakable faith. The faith can be
broken through. This has been done by people who say that their mind can move objects or bend nails etc... The
faith can be broken by misconception of an idea.
A lady said that the first time that she knew (had faith) that she could move an object was when she had great
emotion because of the passing away of her close friend. She reached for a bottle of pills and they slid away from
her. She probably had jarred the table yet she was unaware of this and she only thought she had moved it with her
mind. The belief was so strong that she had a real faith that she could move objects. Most people have a real faith
that they can not move objects with their mind. This is true for me too, but I could try to break the belief. This
goes for every thing. If there are scientists that have faith that there is an energy relation in this mind moving
their faith is so great that one may be created to explain this phenomena. Whether you believe it or not this world
exists purely on faith and faith alone. Time has always existed. We have faith that there is a God, so be it. We
have faith that God came to earth in the form of Jesus Christ and so he did. We have faith that there are three
persons in one God, and so it is. These faiths are not as great, because there are not as many visible observations.
When people do not have faith they move further away from reality. But if you really look close to anything there
is a matter of faith or belief as a basis of fact. Therefore fact is always belief or faith. As our Lord has said,
" With faith man can move mountains."
December 12, 1977
I haven't had time to sit back and laugh at what has happened, although it seems like that's all I've been doing
for the last three years or more.
December 13, 1977
My mom's birthday!
December 14, 1977
I remember the day when I taught competitive swimming. There was a kid who was impossible to control. I knew that
discipline was needed but I didn't know a proper punishment. I don't know why, but I made him count the paramesium
on the wall. It was an impossible task and the answer was probably zero, but I think it made him think about how
stupid it was.
Don't ask me why I wrote this down, it just came to me as being strange. Right now I wouldn't give this as a punishment,
it would be to stupid. Then, it sounded funny, and I was trying to make him feel stupid. I still don't know.
(later)
Life is the attitude in the mind of man. What each and every man believes is true to himself therefore he lives.
Advent is a time of waiting and advent is a time of preparation. The song "Stairway to Heaven" tells
the story of a lady that is waiting.
Advent is a time of emotion and "Stairway to Heaven" is a very surging emotional song. People of the
business world capitalize on our emotions making us buy things we don't want or need.
December 15, 1977
I will live this life, but I still don't have direction. Or should I say that I have to many directions but no
movement.
December 16, 1977
As the nigger gazed upon my body he asked "Are you the devil?"
December 19, 1977
A discussion had been made and nothing could be done. That was the way that it had to be. On that day there was
a new beginning.
December 20, 1977
We have a Theo prayer service today in chapel, so I am writing this in the class before - History. Life is once
again different than what I have experienced. I need a feeling, to be responsible to the world, but I do not have
it. It is talked about by my parents and teachers. It is important to them. Myself - I feel that what happens to
me is first, then I can worry about others. The changes that take place, I am just learning, how can you expect
me to worry about everyone elses problems. The funny thing is that I do, sometimes, probibly more often than
the average person. I have this feeling that when I am older I will see. My father seems to know what he is talking
about. Yet how does he SEE things differently than I do? How?
(later)
Last day of school! Leadership is what I need. I can't get pushed around. This was the topic of a talk by Sr. Margariete.
It was a good talk and brought to light many things. I remember the way I felt before and the distaste of how I
feel now.
January 4, 1978
Life goes on. Another day of school, back on the old track. We thought that yesterday was the first day of school,
but we were wrong. It was very funny, getting up early in the morning.
January 5, 1978
I just recieved a copy of an underground newspaper entittled the "Durfer." It is very interesting, so
far!
January 6, 1978
Is it good to be serious? Is it good to be humorous? Or is it better to be honest and grasp for pleasure, by
using faith?
January 12, 1978
Drugs, good or bad: Bad, right? Well, I suppose that depends on what it is that you wish to find in them. If its
entertainment or adventure into the inner mind I am sure that you will find it. Then you must decide what you wish
to make of this world, this life. Most people want a little of both. That's not living your life correctly. Until
the day comes that you can enter a controlled environment, drugs are not being used correctly. These days are a
long - long way off. But when and if they come, we will loose a majority of people from this world, to form worlds
of their own. For we are in the mind of God, who very well may be some guy living on a couch dreaming until he
dies. He might have dreamed the world when he fell asleep years ago. Therefore, if he lives a total life span and
he is twenty, we will live (we being the Universe) for billions of years. Yet, if he is 80 years old or so and
this earth is his major plan, well, who really knows. So as I see it now we have two choices: One, is to live in
someones complex dream, or two to dream up a complex world. It really is a grand illusion, we are part of God's
dream. Of course, this is only contemplation, and noone really knows. Drugs: Are they good or are they bad? If
this philosophy is true, can a mind within a dream over rule the sleeping man? Can we become the main character?
January 13, 1978
Confessions or thoughts about early life:
- Kindergarten -- at the time seemed stupid, just a place to go. I don't remember the time I knocked Wolf's head
against the wall. A wooden Noah's Ark, the blue table. Bruce Weber, playing in the band, and looking at a picture
of the saints.
- Seventh grade -- I bribed Mary Hurely, and I didn't know what I knew. I actually didn't know the blackmail. I
got what I wanted. I always treated girls two different ways, one way at school and another way away from school.
Away from school I was always wilder than at school. Except 6th grade, Mrs. Dodge's class was excellent. I could
do anything, yet I didn't get too extreem. Mrs. Ross was a blind spot
in my memory.
Let me tell you a story, and it's true too. One day in the summer along time ago, I began to edge my way on a path
to my tenderest spot. Sex is what I consider to be my full time hobby. This was the begining. Kathy Therense lived
across the street and Peggy Watson lived two doors down the street. (Toward the creek.) They were good friends
and were always in the others house. Well, I was friends with Jeff Therense and we had a great time. However, somehow
sex became a topic of conversation one day. (As it had many times in the past.) Well, the group that was gathered
broke up. I began to question Kathy alone. For what seemed like months Kathy and I, and even Peggy would play doctor.
It was just fun then, but now it is all different. Parents don't understand, because they don't remember.
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