Humour

  Halloween Humour

The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:

10.  Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9.   If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8.   The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7.   You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6.   Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5.   40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4.   If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3.   Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2.   Less guilt the next morning.

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck  yelling, "Look Ma!  It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized  "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

 [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]

A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell.  The lady opens  the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!"  The lady says, "Well, aren't you cute!  What are you supposed to be?"  The boy, miffed because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!"  The lady, not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?" The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:

1. Give away something other than candy.  (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come.  When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell,  "Trick or Treat!"  Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.  Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters.  When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.  When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in."  When they do, have everyone yell,  "Surprise!!!"  Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher.  Insist that it makes an unnatural  "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off.  Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy.  Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult.  Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing  through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.  Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.  If anyone protests, explain  that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.  Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands.  Act surprised, and close the door.  Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit.  Yell and curse from the moment you open  the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.  Slam the door when you're finished.
 
 
 

Top 10 Houses to Avoid when Trick-or-Treating

10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground
9. Any house made of food
8. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas
7. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement
6. Any house where high-tension power lines seem to stop
5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out"
4. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking around the living  room
3. Any house that looks more like a giant, pulsating orb floating 3 feet above the ground than a house
2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses

And the Number One House to Avoid...

1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago

What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi