No Two Sexes Are Alike
by
Erik Oosterwal
The battle of the sexes has been raging for centuries. Men and women struggling
against each other, each working towards a common goal, but from different
angles. We all want happiness, acceptance, friends, long life... But men
and women can’t agree on how to get there.
Let’s take shopping for instance...
A man decides he needs a new socket wrench. He drives to Sears, picks out
the socket wrench he needs, takes it to the counter, and pays for the wrench
with nothing smaller than a $10 bill. he walks out of the store with a wrench
and a pocket full of singles and coins. After he gets home, he’s happy
with the purchase, and the kids are happy to get the change out of the
pocket.
When a woman needs a new dress, it becomes an all-day affair. She shows up
at the mall soon after it opens, goes to her favorite store first, doesn’t
find exactly what she’s looking for, checks out 6 more stores, and ends
up buying a dress from the first store. Of course after the dress is bought,
she realizes that she doesn’t have any shoes to match the dress, and
then needs a new purse to match the shoes.
Dining is a similar experience...
Women like fine dining. Candle light, a chilled wine, a little violin music,
waiters with a snooty accent, maybe a piece of cheese cake for dessert. It
all helps create a refined and dignified atmosphere. Women love beautiful
things.
Men like fine dining too. Hot dogs, cold beer, 2 men on base, no outs, bottom
of the fifth inning, maybe some cracker jacks to help wash down the beer.
It all helps create a refined and dignified atmosphere. Men love beautiful
things too.
Men and women act differently at parties too.
Men talk about the weather, sports, cars... All the important things in life.
Women, within 10 minutes, will learn everything there is to know about everyone
at the party. “I found out the most interesting things... Did you know
that Ed’s first wife is a second cousin of your college room-mate?
She’s living out in Oregon now and is married to a rich lawyer who’s
friends with the German guy that lives across the street from your
parents.” “Who’s Ed?” “The man you’ve been
talking to all night.” “Wow, that IS interesting... ...I thought
his name was Jerry.”
Men aren’t very quick about these things.
Men are practical. When their wife says it’s time to buy a new family
car, they sit down and read Motor Trend, Car and Driver, and Consumer Reports,
and make a list of all the things that are needed in a good family car.
“Let’s see, we live in a snowy climate so we should get something
that has good traction... it gets pretty hot in the summer time so we need
air conditioning, we need room to haul stuff around to little league and
stuff.... All right! We’re gonna get a Monster Truck!” “No
dear, I was thinking more along the lines of a mini-van.”
When it comes to home repair, women are much more creative than men. They
don’t feel restricted by the mindless conventions of the tool companies.
“Look honey, I hung up the picture by myself.” “Great! What
did you use to get the nail in the wall?” “Well, I couldn’t
find your hammer, so I used this socket wrench thingy.” Women think
that it’s OK to use a chisel to open up a can of paint.
Women are cleaner than men. It’s funny, a man will lift a 2000 lb. car
to see where the oil is leaking, but can’t pick up the toaster when
wiping off the kitchen counter. Men don’t know the difference between
“Hamper” and “Bedroom floor”. Women complain that men
can’t put a toilet seat down. Men complain that women don’t look
before they sit.
Men and women have different driving habits. Insurance companies give women
a discount because they drive slower and have fewer accidents. Men look at
it this way. The more time you spend driving, the more likely you are to
be in an accident. The faster I drive, the less time I spend on the road.
so if I drive real fast, I’ll be less likely to be in an accident.
Society is not fair in the battle of the sexes. If a woman starts turning
gray, she’s ‘over the hill’. If a man starts turning gray,
he’s maturing, more distinguished. Women get lines on their face because
they’re old. When men get a few lines on their face, it gives them
character. When women put on a few pounds they’re called fat. When men
put on a few pounds they’re called jolly. Men have broad shoulders,
women get broad hips.
Women are aware of this and spend a lot of time and money to make themselves
look more pleasing to their mates. They do their hair, and they do their
nails, and they shave their legs and under their arms. They spend 20 hours
a week at aerobics class and watch their diets. They have nice dresses and
pretty perfumes. And all of this is done so that men will find them attractive.
Men brush their teeth and put on an old pair of jeans and figure that
they’ve really gone out of their way to please their mate. Women think
that biking is fun and good exercise. They think that ‘Schwinn’
is a good brand name. Men agree that biking is fun, but they think that if
you want a really GOOD bike, you have to go to the Harley Davidson dealer.
Men and women both like entertainment. Women like ‘chic’ movies
like ‘Steel Magnolias’ and ‘French Kiss’. Men get confused
if there’s too much dialog in a movie, so they like action movies like
‘Rambo’ and ‘Terminator’. Women want to be able to listen
to music. They like performers like Mariah Carey and Michael Bolten. Men
want to be able to feel the music. They like performers like ‘The Rolling
Stones’ and ‘Nine Inch Nails’. Women go to the art museum
and appreciate the talents of Michael Angelo and Monet. Men like fine works
of art too, but think that fine art means the guys at the body shop spent
a lot of time painting flames on the side of a ‘72 GTO. Women like figure
skating, men like hockey. Women think that if Michael Jordan scores a Grand
Slam Touch Down it’s probably a good thing. Men just want another
beer.
Women know all about love, relationships, courting... They like to make things
happen. Men just sit around and wonder what happened. I’ll give you
an example: I went out of town earlier this year on a business trip, and
was eating alone in a restaurant. A waitress came up to me and asked,
“Excuse me, is your name Don?” I was a bit confused, thinking that
maybe there was a phone call for Don or something, and told the waitress
“No, my name’s not Don.” “Oh” she said.
“There’s a woman over there waiting for a blind date and thought
that maybe you were Don.” I thought this was kind of funny so I told
my wife about it when I got home. “You’re so stupid” she said.
“That’s the oldest pick up trick in the book. That woman was hitting
on you. What did she look like anyway?”
No two sexes are alike. Let me sum up the differences.
Men are logical and practical. They like math and science and endless discussions
about various theoretical stuff. They like to make things go BOOM. That’s
why they’re in charge of business and politics and religion and war.
Women are nurturing and caring. They are mothers and teachers and nurses.
They like kittens and children and looking after dumb animals. That’s
why they’re in charge of men.
Copyright Erik Oosterwal - 1996 - 2004
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