Sticks and Stones
by
Erik Oosterwal
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." How
often have we heard these words? It is true though - it isn't the words that
hurt, it is the message that the words carry that hurts, and just as importantly,
it isn't the message that the speaker is sending, but the message that we
listeners receive that does the damage.
There has been a great deal of press recently, about sexual harassment. Much
of it brought forward by the Anita Hill / Clarence Thomas hearings. Whirlpool
has placed a heavy emphasis on sexual harassment lately, providing awareness
training for each of the salaried employees. Sexual harassment is not the
only kind of harassment. Racial, religious, political, and dozens of other
type of harassment can be just as devastating. But remember this: It isn't
always the message that the speaker is sending which causes the feeling of
harassment, it is the message that the listener receives that causes the
feeling of harassment.
If I have a friend that is underweight and I joke around saying, "Hey! have
you been putting on a few pounds lately? You're really starting to look kind
of fat!" This message will probably be taken the way it was meant - as a
joke. Partly because the receiver of the message is a friend and knows I
am kidding, and partly because the receiver does not feel threatened by comments
of being overweight. However, if I say this to a friend who has had trouble
with weight, the message would probably be received as an insult, no matter
how it was sent.
I can make derogatory remarks about beer drinking polka dancers to my friend
Stan Dumbrowski and he can poke fun at me about wearing wooden shoes and
sticking my finger in a dike because, as friends, we receive these messages
in a non-negative way.
We can be facetious with our friends who know how to receive the messages
we send. We cannot be so liberal around those who do not know us as well.
I can tell a Clinton joke in a large republican office setting without offending
anyone, but I doubt if I can do the same at a democratic convention.
So who's to blame for feeling harassed? Am I sending a message that the receiver
is to blame for feeling harassed? There are obvious cases of harassment where
the speaker should be shot for the message that they send. Stereotypic workers
at a construction site, lecherous bosses who don't understand "Please don't",
and participants at a KKK rally all speak words whose message is hatred and
belittlement. It should be obvious that the sender is to blame for these
messages. It isn't so easy when a coworker comments about "How good your
top looks".
As speakers, we MUST be aware of double meanings in our message. Do our words
accurately convey the message we want our audience to receive? Just
as importantly, as listeners we have to be aware of the true message that
the speaker is trying to send. Don't let innocent, and I emphasize
innocent, remarks be taken as negative remarks. Listen to these
words as if they are meant in a positive way, you'll be amazed at the number
of compliments you receive.
Copyright Erik Oosterwal 1994 - 2004
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