Exercise Surprise
By Colleen Forbush
Every morning for the past year I get up at 6:00 am and race walk four miles in about fifty-two minutes. I feel great. I lost about ten pounds. I was working my way into a size 5. Yes, it’s true; I hate to brag - okay, maybe I don’t, but I worked hard for those ten pounds AND those sizes. And after three children my size 6’s were finally getting loose - too loose. I let out a triumphant and wicked, hysterical laugh. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
And God smote them. His judgment swift, and His punishment terrible.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! How did this happen! My size 6 pants were getting tighter. I worked out harder. They got tighter and tighter until I could not button them. I jump on the scale; I weigh less. I put on my pants, but this time I thought I would try something different. Instead of putting them on one leg at a time like all other "men," I thought I would try both legs at the same time and see if I had any better luck. The pants still would not button and barely zipped. I was depressed. I was tired. I was nauseous. Oh no! I couldn’t be! Oh man, I should have know that fasting during Lent was too easy this year! Oh God! Etu Brute?! (March can be such a dangerous month).
Well, you haven’t experienced all there is in life until you buy a pregnancy test with three young children.
"Hey Mom." "Ya" "What are we shopping for?" "Oh, just something for Mommy." "What?" "Oh, just something." "Hey, we’ve never been down this isle before." "Ya we have. You just don’t remember." It’s been so long; things have changed so much. Not that I really wanted to know how much things had changed, but things being what they were I started reading boxes. "Hey Mom, let’s get this one. It’s pink." "No let’s get this one it has two in it. It says so on the box." "But this one’s cheaper." "Look guys, I’m so glad you can read now, really I am, and I know you’re just trying to be helpful; but I’ll decide. Okay?" "Okay." Grumble, grumble, grumble. "Is that all we’re getting? Just that one thing?" "Yep." "What is it?" "I’ll tell you later." "Why?" "Because." "Mom!" "Come on guys. I’ll tell ya later. Okay? I promise." And as if I were not having enough fun already, the guy at the checkout stand was even more fun. I could write a book on the looks he was giving me. By this time the kids were getting restless, and I was feeling like an add for birth control.
They’re all watching T.V. Now’s my chance. "Hey, where’s Mommy?" "I don’t know. Look in the bathroom." "Mommy, are you in there?" "Yes." "The door’s stuck. I can’t get in." "It’s okay. I’ll be out in a minute." Bang, bang, bang. "What’s wrong?" "Mommy, won’t open the door?" "She’s probably going potty. I’ll open it for you. Hey, Mom, the door’s locked." "I know." "Well, how are we suppose to get in?" "When I’m done, I’ll open the door. Okay?" "But you’ve never locked the door before." "Yes, I have. You just don’t remember." Fingers under the door. Shuffling around. "Can you see anything?" "Ya, a little." "What do you see?" "Her toes." "Oh." "Hey, what are you guys doing?" "Mommy’s got the door locked." "Why?" "That’s what we want to know." "Mommy, the door’s locked." "I know. Look, you guys, can’t I just go to the bathroom by myself!" "Well, you never have before." "YES I HAVE. YOU JUST DON’T REMEMBER. NOW GO AWAY, please."
One pink line. Two pink lines. TWO PINK LINES!!!!!!! "God, I love surprises, and I appreciate a good sense of humor as much as any one, but…..Valentine’s Day should be banned! My waist! All my hard work! Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, please help me!
"Daddy!" "Hi guys." "Mommy’s acting weird." "Oh? Were you guys bad today?" "No." "No?" "No, Daddy! Really! We were really good!" "Ya, Dad, we were. But Mommy wouldn’t let us in the bathroom." "Ya, she locked us out!" "Oh, well, maybe she just wanted to go alone." "Why? She never has before." "Let’s eat supper, and we’ll talk. Okay?" "Okay, Mom." "Well, guys, what would you think if we had another baby?" "Oh, cool!" "All right!" "Yea!" "Well, that’s good because Mommy is pregnant." "OH WOW! Mom, that is so cool!" "I hope it’s a girl." "No! It has to be a boy. We already have two stinky girls!" "Now guys, let’s be nice."
Well, the dinner table wasn’t boring that night anyway.
So after talking about keeping secrets, we all made a trip to the doctor. I went prepared to fight. I was feeling old (too old for kids), I was feeling nauseous, I was living in a two bedroom apartment, I wasn’t going to take lectures from anyone. I was loaded for bear.
The doctor walked in. "So I’m gathering that this was not a planned pregnancy?" "No." "I know just how you feel. I have 5. They go from 14 to 30." Well, okay, my life was looking pretty good now. "Now you do realize, Colleen, that with your history and your age your chances of having twins is greater than not." "Oh."
The ultrasound showed one healthy fetus. Yes! There is a God!
Colleen ForbushCopyright 1999
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