Animals
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say; "Because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go! I think my mother's attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen Degeneres
The worm has some things going fot it. For instance, it can't fall down. --Milton Berle
A dog is not "almost human" and I know no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such. --John Holmes
A dog is the only thing on Earth that will love you more than you love yourself. --Josh Billings
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. --Penny Ward Moser
Getting a dog is like getting married. It teaches you to be less self centered; to accept sudden suprising outbursts of affection; and not be upset by a few scratches on your car. --Will Stanton
Cats know how to obtain food without labor, shelter without confinement, and love without penalties. --W. L. George
The phrase "domestic cat" is an oxymoron. --George Will
No Matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. --Abraham Lincoln
Imagaine if birds were tickled by feathers. --Steven Wright
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on Earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter --Dave Barry
I guess cows aren't really into the four food groups, especially when they are two of them. --Anthony Clark
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the differance between dog and man. --Mark Twain
If you're a dog and your owner suggests you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail. --Fran Lebowitz
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as cats do. --Nelson A. Crawford.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. --Sir Winston Churchill
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs. --John Osborne
Artists like cats, soldiers like dogs. --Desmond Morris
One reason the dog has so many friends: He wags his tail instead of his tongue.
Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! --Anne Tyler
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. --Groucho Marx
Oh great, I inspire dogs to lick their lick their genitals. -- Stephen Lee Dekat
When it comes to butter vs margerine I trust cows over chemists.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. --Steven Wiright
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" --Dave Barry
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery
Does it make you feel better to have domination and lordship over the cat? --Stephen Lee Dekat
We need to fold the monkey. --
Benjy Feen
Monkeybagels
do taxes in an hour! --
Benjy Feen
Nuke the whales
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
A good horse never comes in a bad color.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.
Sheep without a shepard are not a flock
A cat will assume the shape of it's container.
And now a word for dog lovers - "Kinky"
Birds gather in flocks, Morons gather in congregations.
Don't count your weasles before they pop.
I just knocked your cat into the toilet. It was an accident. He'll be alright.--Tim Lavin
Human (n.): Useful domestic animal popular with cats
Humans did not fight their way to the top of the food chain just to be vegetarians!
I like cats; they taste like chicken!
If it screams, it's not food... yet.
If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals,
then why did he make them out of meat?
It's always darkest before you step on the cat.
Just think, in a few million years, Barney will be motor oil
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet
Man is by nature a political animal. --Aristotle
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