what is that supposed to mean?

Daffynitions

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 486 : The approximate IQ required to throughly understand a computer.

A

 Abnormal : Anyone or anything that differs from your idea of "average."

Abort : To correct a misconception. --Dave Krieger

Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

Accordian : A bagpipe with pleats.

Accountant : One who tells you approximately how much you are worth and exactly what you owe them.
Accountant : A person who knows the cost of everything but the value of nothing.
Accountant : The person we blame when the IRS finds out about our tax fraud.

Achievment : The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. --Ambrose Bierce
Achievment : The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.

Acquaintance : Someone you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Admiration : Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. --Ambrose Bierce

Adolecence : A time in a kid's life when parents become dificult. --Ryan O'Neal

Adolecent : A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.

Adultry : The application of democracy to love. --H. L. Mencken
Adultry : The wrong people doing the right thing.

Advice : What we ask for that we already know the answer to but wish we didn't. --Erica Jong

Afternoon : The part of one's day spent worrying about how the morning was wasted.

Airplane Blond : A woman who as bleached her hair, but still has a black box --Playboy

Alimony : The ransom the happy pay to the devil. --H. L. Mencken
Alimony : The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
Alimony : A mistake by two people, paid for by one.
Alimony : The bounty of mutiny.
Alimony : The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
Alimony : Latin word meaning to rip off a man's testicles through his wallet. --Robin Williams

Ambassador : An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country. --Sir Henry Wotton

Amen : The only part of the prayer everyone knows.

Amnesia : A condition which alows women who have given birth the ability to make love again.

Anonymous : The worlds most popular author.

Argument : A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Art : The expression of the profoundest thought in the simplest way --Albert Einstein

Assassanation : Extreme form of censorship --George Benard Shaw

Attraction : The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

B

 Baby : A loud voice at one end and no sense of responsabilty at the other. --Ronald Knox

Bank : A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.

Banker : A pawnbroker with a manicure.

Bartender : A pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Beauty : The power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

Beauty Parlor : A place where women curl up and dye.

Bigamist : One who makes a second mistake before he corrects the first.

Birth Control : Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

Blues, The : An autobiographical chronical of a cotastrophe, expressed lyrically. --Ralph Ellison

Boxing : A lot of white men watching two black men beat eachother up. --Muhammad Ali

Budget : A method for going broke methodically.

C

 C++ : E.

Canadian : Someone who knows how to make love in a canoe. --Pierre Berton
Canadian : An unarmed American with health care.

Cannibal : Someone who is fed up with people.

Capital Punishment : Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong. --Sister Helen Prejean

Cat : Pygmy lion who love mice, hates dogs and patronizes humans. --Oliver Herford

Celebrity : One who is known by many people he is glad he didn't know. --H.L. Mencken

Censor : A man who thinks he knows more than you ought to. --Laurence J. Peter

Character Lines : What you have. see also Wrinkles.

Chastity : The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. --Aldous Huxley

Chickens : The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Civilization : A race between education and catastrophe. --H.G. Wells

Clothes dryer : An appliance designed to eat socks.

Committee : A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. --Milton Berle

Common Sense : Genius dressed up in working clothes. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Conclusion : What you reach when you're tired of thinking. --Martin Fischer

Consciousness : That annoying time between naps.

A Consultant : Someone you call in at the last minute to share the blame.
A Consultant : Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A Conservative : One who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

Courage : The fear of being thought a coward. --Horace Smith.
Courage : The judgement that something is more important than fear.

Creativity : Piercing the mundane to find the marvelous. --Bill Moyers

Credit Card : A device allowing you to buy things you cannot afford.

Critic : A legless man who teaches running.

Cult : Not enough people to make a minority. --Robert Altman

Curve : The loveliest distance between two points --Mae West

Cynicism : The intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligece. --Russell Lynes

D

 Dance : A vertical expression of a desired horizontal position.

Date : An organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you.

Dating : The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

Dead : Living Impared.
Dead : Terminally inconvenienced.

Death : To stop sinning suddenly.

Deja Moo : The feeling you've heard this bull before.

Democracy : The Bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people. --Oscar Wilde Dentist : Someone who puts metal in your mouth and pulls money out of your pocket.

Destiny : A tyrant's authority for crime, and a fool's excuse for failure. --Ambrose Bierce

Diet : a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.

Dilemma : A politician trying to save both of his faces at once. --Hurbert B. Prochnow

Diplomacy : The art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. --Will Rogers

Divorce : America's great contribution to marriage. --Edward Fawcett

Drama : Life with the dull bits left out. --Alfred Hitchcock

Drunkenness : Temporary suicide. --Bertrand Russell

E

 Easy : A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Efficiency : Intelligent laziness. --David Dunham

F

 Fairy tales : horror stories for children to get them use to reality.

Fiddle : An instrument to tickle the human ear by rubbing a horse's tail on the gut of a cat.

Flashlight : A case for holding dead batteries.

Freudian Slip : When you say one thing but mean your mother.

Frigid : A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

Friend : A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

G

 Gossip : A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Gossip : Someone with a great sense of rumor.

Grape : A non-intoxicating wine in pill form.

H

 Handkerchief : Cold Storage.

Hangover : The Wrath of Grapes.

History: an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. -- Ambrose Bierce

I

 Inflation : Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Intelectual : one who always contributes more heat than light to a discussion

Irony : A Copyright Notice at the bottom of a plagerized webpage.

J

 Jury : Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. --Robert Frost

Justice : A dicision in your favor. --Harry Kaufman

K

 Kleptomaniac : One who helps himself because he can't help himself.

L

 Life : A sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.
Life : Anything that dies when you stomp on it. --Dave Barry

Lipstick : On "her" lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of her mouth. On "his" collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Logic : The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. --Ambrose Bierce

Lottery : A tax on people who are bad at math

Love : friendship set on fire --Jeremy Taylor

M

 Mad : Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. --Ambrose Bierce

Marriage : The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer.
Marriage : What happens when you find the woman who will destroy your soul only slightly slower than the rest.
Marriage : When a woman is paralized from the waist down.

Medicine : The only profession that labors incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existance. -- James Bryce

Mosquito : An insect that makes you like flies better.

Multitasking : Screwing up several things at once.

Modesty : the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.

Mythology : Other people's religion

N

 Nymphomaniac : A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

O

P

 Palm Sunday : A holiday dedicated to single men.

Panties : The last defense on the front lines of desire.

Park : Before children - a verb meaning, 'to go somewhere and neck'.
After children - a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Power : The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA

Politician : Someone who is willing to lay down your life for his country.

Pray : To ask that the rules of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single pettitioner, confessedly unworthy. --Ambrose Brice

Pride : What we have. see also Vanity.

Professor : One who talks in someone else's sleep.

Programmer : Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Programmer : A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects

Progress : What you get when each mistake is a new one.

Prune : A plumb with experiance.

Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Q

R

 Rasin : Grape with a bad sunburn.

Reality : A crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality : Where the pizza delivery guy comes from.

Redundancy : To be repetitive. See also Redundancy

Revolution : The opium of intellectuals.

S

 Secret : Something you tell to one person at a time.

Shotgun Wedding : A case of wife or death.

Sober : Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Statistician : Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Straw : A device invented to inform stupid people that their beverage is empty.

Success : To laugh often and much to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed esier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Suburbia : Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Sysadmin : Epic hero invested with supreme powers and arcane lore, duty-bound to protect their users from villains, fires, and themselves. --Benjy Feen

T

 Thanksgiving: when everyone in Britain gives thanks for our ancestors having sent all the religious freaks to America. --Warren Ellis

Theoretical Physicist : A physicist whose existance is postulated, to make the numbers balance,
but who is never actually observed in the laboratory.

Time : What keeps everything from happening at once
Time : The best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

Tomorrow : One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

U

 University : A modern educational institute where football is taught.

V

 Vanity : What others have. see also Pride.

W

 Wife : Something you screw on the bed to get the house work done.

Wrinkles : Something other people have. see also Character Lines.

X

Y

 Yawn : An honest opinion openly expressed.

Z
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