Religion

Never Vist Hell Sober -- Kevin P. McKinney

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

When we drink, we get buzzed. When we get buzzed, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! --Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

Spirtual People Inspire Me, Religious People Frighten Me.

She's not sexually repressed, she's just Catholic. --Ashley Papon

Maddness in the name of God is still only madness.

I am an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac. I stay up all night wondering if there is a doG. --Charlie Byrne

Born Again Pagan

Wicca has a strong following in the geek community, and it makes sense: the rituals of Wicca are like software with which you can query or alter the data structures and processes of the universe. Call it reality hacking. --Benjy Feen

IRS: See also, Satan

People with large egos shouldn't be religious. They don't have enough room to humble themselves to a deity.- Firefury

The best part about being a god is toying with the mortals!- Firefury

You may fight for God, but you die for me! --Jake Smith & Ed Ziembinski

I have the body of a god! (Think "Buddha")

[She] prayed to God, as politely as she could manage, that He cease to exist.

We are not great believers in forgiveness. We don't turn the other cheek; We rip off both of yours. --Black Mantle Patricia Morrison

A mage's soul is forged in the crucible of magic. --Soulforge Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman

The first condition of immortality is death. --Stanislaw Lem

Life is hard but God is good and man has got this backwards since the Garden of Eden. --Glenn White

[God is] like, so cool. Think of the coolest person in your life. He made that person. And He is cooler than that.

Christians are not sinless...but they should sin less.

We must believe in some higher order or power that put each of us here for a purpose, if not, anarchy and chaos will rule supreme. --Geoffrey Holden

I will not be an enemy of anything that I do not understand. --Geoffrey Holden

Thou shalt not admit adultery.

An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books. --Samuel Butler

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. --Arthur C. Clarke

I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of. --Clarence Darrow

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. --Albert Einstein

I could prove God statistically. --George Gallup

Who says I am not under the special protection of God? --Adolf Hitler

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. --Alfred Jarry

In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him. --Jethro Tull, "Aqualung"

The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad. --Nietzsche

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist --Michael Patton

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. -- Alan J. Perlis

My atheism, like that of Spinoza, is true piety towards the universe and denies only gods fashioned by men in their own image, to be servants of their human interests. --George Santayana

There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. --George Bernard Shaw

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. --Oscar Wilde

I believe in god, I just don't like him.

The churches must learn humility as well as teach it.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. --Albert Einstein

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.

The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

I respect Faith; but Doubt is what gets an education. --Wilson Mizner

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. --Douglas Addams

God's last name isn't Damnit--Kelli Dickerson

Although I cannot believe that the individual survives the death of his body, feeble souls harbor such thought through fear or ridiculous egotism. --Albert Einstein 
Either God wants to abolish evil, and cannot;
 Or he can, but does not want to;
 Or he cannot and does not want to.
 If he wants to, but cannot, he is impotent.
 If he can, but does not want to, he is wicked.
 But, if God both can and wants to abolish evil,
 Then how come evil in the world?
  [Epicurus, 350-?270 BC]
And they sayet unto Jesus, "Cool! Do it again!"

Believing is easier than thinking. Hence so many more believers than thinkers. --Bruce Calvert

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they- are an even bigger pain the second time around. --Herb Caen

No efficiency. No accountability. I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a universe. --Calvin & Hobbes

It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. --Calvin and Hobes

Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it. --Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?
Hobbes: I'm not sure that man needs the help.

Heck is reserved for those who don't believe in gosh.

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

Mankind has corrupted every institution into which it has entered.
The Church and the Government are two prime examples
--J. Mike Reed Jr.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. --Anatole France

Baptism - A kind of damp bar mitzvah

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever.
--Thomas Jefferson

For sale: One soul, slightly used. Asking 3 wishes, nogotiable.

A one sentence definition of mythology? Mythology is what we call someone else's religion. --Joseph Campbell

The whole of religion has been one uniform curse to the human race... --Richard Carlile

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. --George Carlin

Death is a once-in-a-lifetime experiance.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life either

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. --Bill Watterson

Christianity is not a religion, it's an industry.

Garbage in - Gospel out

Sling another savior on the cross for me.

Televangelists: the Pro wrestlers of religion

Get a taste of religion... lick a witch.

Just waiting for my sainthood papers...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. --George Carlin

We [Catholics] are also under an obligation to keep secrets faithfully. And sometimes the easiest way to fulfill that duty is to say what is false, or to tell a lie. --Catholic Encyclical X, 195
Tell God his replacement is here.

God always did like you best.

My God could beat up your God!

I think God owes me a great big apology

The Catholic Church - the only successful Vampire cult.

Did God satisfy Mary?

I'd be Christian, if it wasn't for Christians

To you I am an atheist, but to God I'm the loyal opposition

Jesus loves you. I don't. Get out of my way!

I can imagine no greater misfortune for a cultured people than to see in the hands of the rulers not only the civil, but also the religious power. --Caius Valerius Catullus, Roman poet 87-54 BC

We found that we didn't have much problem with Him [J.C.], it was his followers we found questionable. --Graham Chapman

It is usually when men are at their most religious that they behave with the least sense and the greatest cruelty. --Ilka Chase

"Shhhhh! The Christians think they're alone up here." - God

Grandchildren - God's reward for parents who survive.

When Evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve

Christianity is against my religion. --Lindsey D. Stansbury

Only Christians believe in Hell enough to go there.

There must be a God - who pops up the next Kleenex?

My mind is incapable of conceiving such a thing as a soul. I may be in error, and man may have a soul; but I simply do not believe it. --Thomas Edison, Do We Live Again?

All Bibles are man-made. --Thomas Edison

So far as religion of the day is concerned, it is a damned fake... Religion is all bunk. --Thomas Edison

I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God. --Thomas Alva Edison

Birds gather in flocks, morons gather in congregations.

Where did Cain get his wife? Don't ask, don't tell.

Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.--Albert Einstien

Never work higher magic in clothes you can't run in

Life is not a malfunction --Short Circuit, Stephanie

I believe that our Heavenly Father created man because he was disappointed in the monkey. --Sammuel Clemmens (Mark Twain)

My folks went to Turin and all I got was this lousy shroud.

"Vengeance is mine," sayth the Lord

Religion is socialized emotion

Why do vampires always chase down Christians? Why not Jews, or Arabs? You know, somebody who won't be carrying a cross! --Galager

O lord, help me to be gracious and tender with my words today,
for tomarrow I may have to eat them.

Sometimes the garbage disposal god demands the offering of a spoon.

God giveth, and the government taketh away

Sometimes God thinks he's Bill Gates

We are all God children , by a previous marriage.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind.
-- II Timothy :1 :7

If I bare witness to myself, my witness is not true.-- John :6 :31

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy

God must love the common man, he made so many of them. -- Abraham Lincoln

The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked, his wrath towards you burns like fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. You have offended him infinitely more than ever a stubborn rebel did his prince; and yet it is nothing but his hand that holds you from falling into the fire every moment. It is to be ascribed to nothing else, that you did not go to hell the last night, that you was [sic] suffered to awake again in this world, after you closed your eyes to sleep. --Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, preached July 8, 1741.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school.

When agnostics die, do they go to the Great Perhaps?

God: the "John Doe" of philosophy and Religion --Ebert Hubbard



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