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by Nissa Annakindt
The Daggett Demagogue
Everyone knows there is one easy solution to this country's unemployment problem. Just give every unemployed person some job counselling and job training, and the jobs themselves will come. It's the same principle as in the movie Field of Dreams. This being the case, it is high time to provide these services to the most unemployed group in America--- vampires!
(Yeah, yeah, I know those brave conservatives fighting the evil conspiracy of political correctness want me to use the terms 'thanatically challenged' or 'mortality deprived', so they can accuse me of being one of the Politically Correct Thought Police. Sorry to disappoint you, guys, but as far as I'm concerned, a vampire's a vampire, and calling him something else won't keep those annoying fangs out of your neck.)
Now, we all agree that vampires should all have jobs. We sure don't want them on the welfare rolls! Vampires never die--- can you imagine how much welfare just one vampire would collect over the centuries! And just think how out-of-date their job skills are! I mean, when was the last time you saw a want ad for an experienced Transylvanian Count? Not much call for that sort of thing in today's job market.
There are certain challenges in vampire career counselling. They have this little problem with sunlight--- turns 'em into smoke. So I don't think anyone's going to hire a vampire as a model in suntan lotion commercials. And, for some reason, blood banks have a real problem with the idea of hiring vampires. I guess it's the same principle as not wanting to hire a 500 pound guy at an ice cream parlor--- you don't want the hired help eating or drinking up the merchandise! Some people might think the undertaking business might be suitable--- after all, vampires are very comfortable with coffins, and their traditional style of dress is nice and formal, so they'll be OK with the dress code. But, let's face it, the profits of the undertaking industry come solely from the fact that people tend to drop dead from time to time. This whole undead vampire lifestyle is just plain bad for business. What if everybody did it? Yeah, they'd clean up on selling coffins, but they'd lose their shirts on embalming and burial plots.
What about politics? We all know all politicians are bloodsucking leeches that suck the life out of American society. Vampires ought to fit right in! But still, you run up against this whole 'night-person', 'day-person' issue. Non-vampire politicians insist on running the government during daylight hours, so their nights are free for chasing loose women (or whatever).
What jobs are suitable for the undead? How about night clerk at all-night convenience stores? Yeah, I know, that will cut into the profit margins of the armed robbery industry. I mean, when some small time hood with an IQ of about -17 decides to commit a robbery, what does he rob? NRA headquarters? No, they all go out and rob convenience stores. But we all know vampires can't be stopped by bullets. The only way to kill a vampire is the old stake-in-the-heart routine, and the only way to do that without making an unscheduled blood donation is to do it in the day while the vampire's asleep in his coffin. Now, of course, hiring vampires isn't going to stop moronic crooks from setting out to rob convenience stores. But that's just as well. I mean, the vampires have to have something.... I mean, someone to snack on during those long night shifts.
Night-time law enforcement is another good career choice for vampires. It'll sure save police departments a lot of money on bullet-proof vests. And wouldn't it be great if every cop in America who gets stuck with night duty had a vampire for backup? Of course, there are some judges who might object to cops turning themselves into a mist and flowing into a suspect's keyhole without a search warrant. That's OK. Vampire cops need someone to snack on, too. The only bad part is that vampires are unable to work day-shift as well. So before long people with a paranoid fear of crime will be afraid to leave their homes during daylight hours.
It is high time those bloodsucking leeches in Washington got up off their rosy butts and did something for America's other bloodsuckers. Stop this senseless discrimination against the mortality deprived! Full employment for vampires now!
© Nissa Annakindt 1995
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