NO PRAYER ZONE

by Nissa Annakindt

The Daggett Demagogue

You know about zoning boards, right? They're the guys that make sure no one puts a chemical plant or beef feederlot in the middle of nice suburban neighborhoods. And every once in awhile they make someone stop running a small business out of their homes and put them back on the welfare rolls where they belong, or make someone stop keeping laying hens and start using food stamps. Zoning boards protect us all! And if you are lucky enough to live in Palm Bay, Florida, they protect you from private prayer. Yes, in Palm Bay, if you want to pray, you gotta build a church on a lot zoned for churches and pray there. No praying in residential areas! Might lower property values.

Of course, when the anti-religion elements of Palm Bay decided to go after illegal pray-ers, they didn't start with Baptist Bible studies or Pentecostal prayer groups. They knew those groups could afford to fight back, and throw their whole no-prayer-zone thing out of business before it started. They went after the weakest group possible. After all, once they set a legal precident forbidding prayer in residential areas, according to the US Constitution it will have to apply to every religion equally. No exceptions! And once it's in place, well, how many religious families do you know that have the funds to build their own church building just so they can say grace and have family devotions? Once this case gets settled, private prayer as we know it will be illegal in Palm Bay.

Now, the group that the Palm Bay anti-prayer people are going after is not your typical prayer group. They call themselves the Church of Iron Oak, and they are most likely a bunch of New Age-y, meditating, vegetarian, reincarnated, computer nerd tree-huggers. The Palm Bay anti-prayer Gestapo figured they could actually get the more normal religious groups of Palm Bay to cut their own throats and support this anti-religion attack, and went door-to-door telling wildly improbable lies. When they couldn't get anyone to believe horror stories about human sacrifice, someone accused the Iron Oak people of being Pro-Choice activists and thus a menace to society. The only basis for this accusation seems to be that the Iron Oak Church is not involved as a group in the Right to Life movement! Considering the killings that have happened in front of Florida abortion clinics, falsely accusing people of being Pro-Choice activists in that area is like yelling fire in a crowded theater. It's an action definitely lacking in respect for the sanctity of human life.

The slander campaign apparently backfired, as at least 14 mainstream religious ministers saw through the anti-religion campaign and came out in favor of the Iron Oak people being allowed to pray. But the Palm Bay zoning board, caught in the middle, feels compelled to keep issuing citations.

Of course, I'm sure there are a lot of people around the country who favor no prayer zoning for residential areas. Some people are mortally annoyed when their neighbors hold a prayer meeting or neighborhood Bible study, or when they invite their church youth group over to their home for a party. They hate it when a neighbor displays a statue of the Virgin Mary or a Nativity scene. And some people are strongly prejudiced against other people's religious denominations. I've heard Protestants say all Catholics are going to hell, and Lutherans say all Pentacostals are going to hell. Once a legal precedent for no prayer zoning has been set, anyone in any city in the US who prays in the privacy of their own home can be the victim of neighbors prejudiced against their denomination, and cited for zoning violations.

So if you dislike religion and agree with the idea of no prayer zoning, get started in your own community! Case out the local churches and find a nice weak one to cut off from the herd. Go door-to-door, accusing the members of that church of human sacrifice, cannibalism, and wearing the same underpants two days in a row. Whatever it takes to scare people! Complain to the local zoning board that the members of said church are illegally praying in their homes, which are located in residential zones. Make it clear that if they don't cite these people they are condoning human sacrifice, cannibalism and dirty underwear. And once the anti-prayer campaign is well under way, collect funds to put up a billboard. It can read, "Use your knees, go to jail."

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