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by Nissa Annakindt
The Daggett Demagogue
You've been told all about the need to plan ahead for your retirement. After all, if you don't, you'll end up having to put generic cat food in your tuna casserole instead of something good like Nine Lives. You also know the advantage of pre-planning your funeral--- so your weird cousin doesn't arrange a Zoroastrian cremation when you really want a Christian burial, or, more commonly, give you a Christian burial when you had your heart set on a traditional Zoroastrian cremation complete with the sacrifice of a sacred bull, and bronzed bull-chip keepsakes for the mourners. But the one thing nobody will ever tell you is the importance of pre-planning your afterlife--- nobody but me, that is. Well, I'm telling you now--- plan your afterlife! You don't want to get stuck with one off the rack.
The standard model heaven/hell afterlife is the Model T Ford of afterlives. It's a classic, true, but even if you pay a little more for optional equipment like purgatory and limbo, it's a bit on the dull side--- lacks pizazz. In fact, heaven has had a PR problem for millennia. I mean, sure, you get to look on the face of God, and that must be real thrilling for the first 45 minutes or so. But just standing around, staring at God's face for a few billion years? You'd get bored! He'd get bored! Let's face it, the main selling point of heaven is that it's not hell. Now, hell is an interesting place. It got even more interesting during the Middle Ages when all those Inquisition torturers got there and Old Scratch hired them all as Activities Directors. Lots of books have been written about hell, from Dante's Inferno (not the same as The Towering Inferno) to the modern science-fiction Heroes in Hell series. The Christian theologian C.S. Lewis wrote a novel suggesting that hell was actually an enormous suburb with really bad malls, and that the inhabitants of hell could take day-trips on the bus to heaven. This not only makes for a kinder, gentler hell, but solves the heaven boredom problem. If the inhabitants of heaven and hell are permitted to mingle, they can even form organizations together, such as motorcycle gangs. What a pity the name 'Hell's Angels' is already taken!
Of course, there are many other afterlife options. Maybe you'd enjoy spending your afterlife attending seances and moving around the little planchette on people's Ouija boards. Then again, maybe not! How 'bout the afterlife in the movie 'Beetlejuice'? You get to stay in your own home, haunt the new inhabitants, and play Harry Belafonte records all the time. Cool!
The Muslims have a special afterlife for those who die in battle defending their religion. These fallen warriors, all male, go to a Paradise where they are closely attended by female social co-ordinators called 'houris'. (Yes, 'houri' means exactly what you think it means!)
Reincarnation has always been a popular form of afterlife. It's said Elijah, the Biblical prophet that King Ahab and Queen Jezebel kept trying to catch and execute, came back as John the Baptist, at which point King Herod was able to realize King Ahab's ambition and remove John's head in order to use it as an extremely tacky centerpiece. And I have it from an extremely (un)reliable source that Elijah/John was so discouraged by the decapitation that he refused to reincarnate until he could be born into a royal family, thinking that would guarantee his safety. What a pity that he ended up being Charles I!
While most modern reincarnation involves rebirth as a human being, there is also the Hindu form in which you can end up as an animal or insect if you don't behave yourself. I understand Hitler made the mistake of choosing this form of afterlife. Given the majorly bad Karma he racked up with that whole Holocaust thing, he's scheduled to spend his next 6 million lifetimes as a red ant, getting stepped on. If he behaves himself very well, he may after that be upgraded to a higher life form, like a lemming. However, if he misbehaves, starts discriminating against the black ants or something, he'll get downgraded to something lower, like a head-louse or a tabloid reporter.
The Vikings were smart--- they had a wide variety of afterlives available, most of which involved drinking large quantities of beer. Most people know about Valhalla, where the warriors went to get in fights and drink beer. You may not know that warriors also had the option of going to Folkvang, home of the War and Sex goddess Freya, where they had something to do between beer-drinking sessions other than fight! For those that didn't die in battle, there was Helheim, home of the goddess Hel, who was black on one side and white on the other just like those weird aliens on Star Trek (The original Star Trek, that is, although if those multicolor aliens were any relation to Lady Hel, they'd really rather hang out at Quark's bar on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine). Helheim is not a recommended afterlife goal, however, as Hel is a notorious cheapskate and serves a low quality of beer, although she vigorously denies ever having gone as low as to serve Coors Light! Vikings also had the option of reincarnation, preferably within their own family line, living on in the grave mound (only recommended for those buried with a good supply of beer), or becoming one of the Walking Dead, so you can go to the neighborhood bar for your own beer.
These are only a few of the many afterlife options available to you. Look into your options! Don't be stuck in a dull afterlife--- plan ahead!
© Nissa Annakindt 1995
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