When a family member dies, children have no understanding of "died" and "death." Young children often see death as something that can be undone or reversed. As children get older, their understanding of death and dying increases and often causes fears of their own death or that of their parents and other important figures in their lives.

It is important, for several reasons, to be honest with children regarding death. First, false statements about where the deceased is can lead to mistrust of the adult later. They need to know that you are describing to the best of your ability the series of events that are occurring. Second, false and vague statements mean different things to children than to adults.

"GOD took the baby" is a very scary image. If he took Baby, maybe he could take mommy or the family pet, too! "She's in a better place" is confusing since what place could possibly be better than home with Mom and Dad? "God" and "heaven" are just words to a child. "He is just sleeping" is one of the worst statements that can be made. Parents have said this, and then wonder why their child fights sleep and has nightmares!

Adding to a child's shock and confusion at the death of a sibling is the parents' reactions and changes in their routine. Crying, screaming, wailing, strangers coming and going, pretty flowers arriving, people looking at you and crying . . . what an upheaval! It is important for parents to keep a child's routine as steady as possible.

Once children realize that their brother or sister is not coming back, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the child, making it clear that the child has permission to show his or her feelings openly or freely. Some common actions by children are watching video tapes of their sibling, looking at pictures, wearing their sibling's clothes, trying to imitate them, and so on. These are all typical reactions and should be allowed within the limits the parents can accept.

Parents should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as danger signals. A few important facts to remember include:
1. Share as much information with the child as possible. Do not let them feel left out.
2. Help them to understand and name their feelings.
3. Reassure them that even though we are all sad now things will be okay soon; do not tell them everything is fine.
4. Communicate with them either verbally or in play.
5. Encourage them to read books as another form of play they can enjoy.
6. Help them, if they cannot read, create a book of their own about their feelings.
7. Be prepared to discuss their loss as they grow.
8. Watch for the warning signs and act on them, do not wait too long to act.

Warning Signs Found in Children

Often young children believe they are the cause of what happens around them. A young child may believe a brother or sister died because he or she had once "wished" the person dead. The child feels guilty because the wish came true. Some warning signs to watch for especially in children are:
1. An extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events.
2. Inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone.
3. Acting much younger for an extended period of time.
4. Excessively imitating the dead person; repeatedly making statements of wanting to join the dead person.
5. Withdrawal from friends.
6. Sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school.
7. Sudden changes in temperment and activites.

These warning signs indicate that professional help may be needed. A child and adolescent psychiatrist can help the child accept the death and assist the survivors in helping the child through the mourning process. It is very important that the child is also reminded of their importance in the household. They need to have validated again and again that they are loved and cherished.

Copyright 1997-2000 Ethans House, Inc.

---

Home	Top of Page	Childrens Room