Scene Four
LIGHTS DIM, rise in One where we are on the upper deck of the
Steamship Oceanic as evening falls. NICHOLAS SEPALONUS and his wife MILDRED
enter. She is tall, thin and rather homely. He is short, heavy and equally
as homely. MILDRED wears a white dress of expensive lace but not very good
taste. NICHOLAS wears a white suit. They both exude nouveau riche wealth.
NICHOLAS
I tell you it's screwy.
MILDRED
It is not screwy.
NICHOLAS
But who is this Polenska woman? I never heard uh her.
MILDRED
Just because you never "heard uh her", doesn't mean she isn't known
throughout the continent as one of the most famous mediums of our time.
NICHOLAS
Hogwash. She seems like a fraud, if ya ask me. All that bull about you
gotta bathe, wear white and you can only have a light meal, no meat and
no alcohol.
MILDRED
Better for spiritual contact.
NICHOLAS
Better for her purse, you mean. How much ya pay this bimbo?
MILDRED
Hush up. Here she comes now.
(IRENE bursts on stage like a great diva. She is swathed in
furs and wears an enormous hat with a bird on it. Her accent is the same
Russian one we heard in Five Years With The Masters. )
IRENE
Dear, dear Madame Sepalonus! And this...ah, but can this be Monsieur
Sepalonus?
NICHOLAS
It can, and it is.
IRENE
Oh, but my dear naughty girl. You never told me how handsome he is!
And how...how do you say...athletic-looking?
(SHE touches his bicep.)
Oh, mon Dieu! Surely you must have played footsball?
NICHOLAS
Pitched horseshoes.
IRENE
I knew it was something exciting...and so masculine.
(Curtains part and we are in the ship's small wood-paneled library.
A
circular wooden table surrounded by six chairs is in the center of the
room. Already there are four people: SENATOR CLYDE PITOU, his wife, BERTHA---both
of whom are flirting with middle age---and CHARLOTTE COTRELLY, a very angular
spinster in her early 30s They, too, are wearing white. A young, handsome
PURSER stands at attention.)
IRENE
Ah, you are already here, dear, dear people.
(to PURSER)
You darling young man. You have set it up exactly as Polenska requested.
(to the Others)
I am sure you know Monsieur and Madame Sepalonus.
PITOU
Haven't had the pleasure.
IRENE
So sorry. This is Senator Pitou and his wife Bertha. And dear Mademoiselle
Cotrelly.
(THEY all shake hands and greet each other.)
MILDRED
Of course I saw all three of you last night at the Captain's Table.
IRENE
Eh bien! Now we begin.
BERTHA
How can we be sure we won't be disturbed?
IRENE
This enchanting young man will stand guard outside the door.
(PURSUER bows and retreats behind the doors. A single illuminated
oil lamp remains on a nearby table.)
CHARLOTTE
Shouldn't it be completely dark?
IRENE
That is for the fraudulent mediums. Me, I have nothing to hide. Eh
bien! Now you all place your hands lightly on this table and form a
chain with your little finger touching the little finger of the person
next to you.
(lowering her head and breathing heavily)
Is there a spirit in the room? If there is a spirit, rap once for
yes and twice for no.
(There is a sharp rap.)
MILDRED
Good heavens!
IRENE
Is that you, Firewater?
(Another single rap)
Ah, Firewater, my old American Indian friend!
NICHOLAS
I'm surprised he ain't Spirits of Ammonia.
MILDRED
Hush!
IRENE
What is that you say? There is someone coming through.
(Another rap)
Yes, Firewater. I am picking up the name Wynne. Does anyone at the
table know anyone named Wynne?
SENATOR
I have a distant cousin name of Wynne. But haven't seen her in years.
IRENE
Are you here for the Senator?
(Two loud raps.)
Ah, no. Not for the Senator. Wait. I am picking up a last name now.
Mills. Does anyone know anyone named Mills?
MILDRED
Wynne Mills? Windmills! My husband's agricultural implement company
makes windmills!!! How remarkable!
IRENE
Oh, I see, Firewater. It is not a person. It is a thing. What is this
about windmill?
(Table begins to shake and we hear several raps.)
BERTHA
This is scary.
IRENE
Monsieur Sepalonus will produce a new windmill.
MILDRED
You hear that, Nicholas?
NICHOLAS
Nothing wrong with the old ones.
IRENE
Entendez! Someone is trying to get through. What is that? You
cannot come through unless the lamp is extinguished.
(SENATOR rises and turns off the flame. The room is now pitch
dark. IRENE begins to writhe and moan. Suddenly smoke rises a few feet
away from the table. All turn to watch.)
SENATOR
Jesus Christ!
(As they are turned away, a floating trumpet materializes above
the table. The trumpet has two bands of fluorescent purple painted on it.)
BERTHA
Oh, my God!
IRENE
(speaking through the trumpet, altering her voice to a lower
pitch and an American accent)
Charlotte...Charlotte...
CHARLOTTE
Yes?
IRENE
It's me, baby.
CHARLOTTE
Papa?
IRENE
Yes, my dear.
NICHOLAS
Shit. I got goose flesh.
MILDRED
Don't use such language.
NICHOLAS
But I tell you I got goose flesh.
MILDRED
I do, too, but without the bodily function.
IRENE
You are being used, Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE
Yes, Papa.
IRENE
People only after your money.
CHARLOTTE
Yes! Yes!
IRENE
Beware of one who tells you how beautiful you are.
CHARLOTTE
Chester Braden?
IRENE
You are beautiful, but he is not to be trusted...beware, my darling...beware...
(Another cascade of smoke rises in a different part of the room.
As THEY all turn, the trumpet disappears. IRENE gasps and cries out. There
is a heavy thud.)
BERTHA
Turn the lamp back on!
(SENATOR strikes a match. THEY see that IRENE has supposedly
passed out. CHARLOTTE is crying.)
CHARLOTTE
Papa, come back.
(Lights dim and come up downstage right. We are now in Irene's
cabin. The door opens and IRENE enters in a gay and giddy mood. SHE falls
onto the bed, laughing. As the music begins, we hear the tapping we had
heard in the ship's library, only now we see that Irene is making the noise
by tapping her right shoe against the wooden floor. Now she sings People
Are Sheep not with the cynicism with which she sang it the first time,
but with great good humor.)
IRENE
Do some simple research,
That's the way to go;
Is that you, Firewater?
Knock once for yes
And two times for no.
Rap a bit louder so I'm sure that it's you---
Ah, Firewater, that's very good!
Especially when the sole of your shoe
Just happens to be made of wood.
People are sheep,
Stupid and small;
Give them a séance
And see how they fall.
(Now from her large purse, she extracts first a pellet and then
the fluorescent horn. As she sings, SHE crushes the pellet, tosses it and
we see the smoke we saw in the previous scene.)
Toss them a pellet
That's going to smoke it up,
Pull out a trumpet
And oh, how they'll soak it up!
Give them some dictums,
They'll shell out the gelt;
Make them all victims
And see how they melt.
So easily guided,
So quickly coerced---
People are sheep
And the Yanks are the worst.
(SHE falls on the bed, laughing.)
LIGHTS DIM
