A young priest was having trouble delivering his sermons, and was approached one day by an older, more experienced priest. "Relax," said the older man,"and you will do fine. If you need help, keep a pitcher of vodka on the podium near you. It will appear to the congregation to be water, but it will help ease your nerves."

The young priest took the elder man's advice and, on the next Sunday, prepared to speak to the congregation again. The older priest sat in the audience and took notes as the younger man spoke, occasionally "wetting his throat" before continuing with his sermon. Following the service, the old priest slipped the young priest a note of hurredly scribbled lines jotted during the speech. It read:

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
  3. There are 12 apostles, not 10
  4. Jesus Christ was consecrated, not constipated
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
  6. Our Lord Jesus Christ is not referred to as the Late JC
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not to be referred to as "Daddy, Junior, and The Spook"
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
  9. Paul was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not stoned off his ass
  10. The cross is not referred to as the "Big T"
  11. Jesus said "eat of this, for it is of my flesh"; he did not say "eat me"
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called the "Mary with the cherry"
  13. We say Grace, not "rub-a-dub-dub"
  14. There is a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's this week, not the other way around
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
The priest asks, "How many times?"
And the woman answers, "Three times."
The priest then instructs her, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5.00 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "what did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5.00 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The rabbi asks, "what did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Whereupon the rabbi says, "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.00."

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