Page update for 2000!
Oh my God! An Update!
How much can a person grow in a few years?
This is the question I am asking myself these days. Looking back at the last couple of years, its been hard, but I have learned, and thats the importaint thing I guess. I began a search many years ago for myself. The last couple of years I found me. What I found was both good and bad, tallent and laziness, light and dark, and a human who is at times very confused about things, and at other times I am quite focused and intelligent. Some of the biggest discoveries about myself were about my mental state of mind. I found out about 6 months ago that I suffer from post tramatic stress disorder or PTSD. This is probibly the biggest step I have taken twards knowing myself. I didnt understand before where a lot of missdirrected feelings were coming from, now I am aware of it. I have always been an angry person inside, there has been a fire burning within me for many, many years. A quick temper and I am always on edge.
I know why now. As a small boy, I was sexually abused from the age of about 2 till I was 12 from various people, and this layed dorment within me for many years, slowly coming out one agressive act after another. In Jr. High I was labled behaviorly dissordered, which I was, but that was only the tip of the iceburg. Of course you cant get the truth from someone who doesn't even know themselves whats wrong, so I took thier word for it and did the goals that was set for me. I got better for a long time after a year and a half of extensive therapy and behavioral modification, however, it was as I said, only the tip of the iceburg.
My psychic advancement is on hold for a while, so I can get better. As much as I loved helping people out for the last few years, it took its toll on me mentally. What used to feel good and helpful now feels more like a burden. The better I got, the more I was requested. The more I was requested to give readings, the more I felt a pressure to be right always. The more I felt like I had to always be right, the more the burden weighed on me. I have hyper tension, and so any sort of stress that comes apon me is magnified 10fold. Thats what hyper tension is. When a person should normally be able to handle stress, they cannot. Instead of the normal reaction, the tendency is to over react. The stress of day to day living that everyone goes through is alot tougher for a person with hyper tension because thier body reacts as if it was a major incident and treats it as such. You have no control over how your body reacts to stress, and that in itself can be a serious problem.
The hyper tension is a bi-product of the PTSD, and is only one of several symptoms that I suffer from. I have insomnia, and have had it ever since I can remember. I usually dont get to sleep until around 4 am, and am up usually by 9 or 10 am. I have some sort of eating disorder, I don't get hungry like most people do. After a few days of not eating I start to notice that I feel kind of weak so I eat enough to get me going again. I guess its some form of bolimia. I have nightmares almost every night, although since my doctor upped my medication I have not had so many nightmares. I also have angorophobia and suffer from anxiety attacks, I have a hard time leaving the house a lot of the time. Just because I can't deal with anyone or just because I don't feel like going anywhere, its not worth the extra stress and panic. I litterally have to be dragged out of the house sometimes kicking and screaming. I also suffer from cronic fatigue. I don't have a lot of energy anymore. Its hard just to clean the house now-a-days.
I could go on and on, but I wont bore you with the details.
Some of the things I have discovered since I last added to my homepage though that might be of interest to the general psychic searcher. These are my truths though, so if they don't fit in with your picture of the universe, keep in mind that I only have truth for myself. Its up to each and every one of us to discover our own truths.
Reincarnation is a reality. I would stress however that you have got to go by your own intuition and dreams about who you were, and dont take anyones word for who you were unless you can somehow verify it for yourself such as having memories. I remember the last few hours of my last life, and I got these memories for myself after a lot of questioning and serious thought about it. I have been told about several past lifetimes I supposedly have had from other people, but I only hold them as interesting and not as fact. I would advise others to be the same. This also brings me to another thing I have discovered over the last few years. Very slowly spirit has been revieling things to me as I seek out answers. Reincarnation was one of the bigger revelations I have had. I didnt believe in it till I remembered myself who I was and what I was doing. Also I would like to add that certain people seem to live together in several lifetimes. My best friend in this life was my business partner and best friend last time around too, which I found to be realy odd, though it explained why I feel a psychic kind of
bond twards him.
Spiritual encounters have become a norm with me for the last few years as well. I can now feel presences in rooms sometimes, and at one point actually had some sort of spirit lay across my legs like a dog would do to its master. That was a very strange sensation. It wasnt cold, in fact it was warm. I could feel the pressure of weight in my legs and a feeling of comfort. I tried to comunicate with whatever it was, but never did get any sort of answer. I even got up and sat back down to make sure my legs wernt falling asleep. The feeling went away when I stood up, and when I layed back down on the couch, it came back. You could even see an imprint on my legs from whatever it was. I am finding that these encounters are not frightening to me any more, but they do still install a feeling of amazement.
My dreams have become something that I fear and look forwards too. I am haunted by many subconcious images and scary dreams. It was explained to me that a lot of them are simply guilt dreams. Because I feel guily about what happened to me in the past and how it has effected me up until this point and time. My family has suffered right along with me, only before we knew what was wrong, it seemed like my marrage was falling apart, and I hated to watch it crumble without being able to react or even to understand what was happening.
Once we knew why I was reacting to everything like I was, I became much easier to deal with because there was an actual reason for my behavior at times. I still have not picked up meditation again though. I have tried several times, but my mind does not quiet down anymore.
I am hoping that once I get through some stress management courses I might be able to start up again from where I left off. That was where the psychic energy and awareness started to realy come through for me, and I saw the largest spiritual growth. As it stand now though, I am unable to put myself back into that state of mind. After I quit for a while and the PTSD started to emerge, I found it impossible to meditate.
People are always asking me how they can start on a spiritual awareness path, and I still say to this day that meditation is probibly one of the most importaint aspects and best place to start on the road to self awareness of any kind, not just psychic awareness. Focus is importaint as well. Intent comes in third, though I seriously believe that intent realy isnt that importaint.I think a greedy person can be just as aware as a non-greedy person. People have asked me questions a few times about why I havn't won the lottery yet, haha. I don't play numbers is why, though I am concidering it. I do play scratch offs, and have done quite well when I follow the intuition. But thats usually an itch when I step up to the counter, and depending on where the itch is, thats the ticket I buy. When I get the itch, I usually don't lose, and I rarely buy tickets unless I get the itch. I keep meaning to grab a few number tickets to bring home and concentrate on just to see what happens, but havn't tried it yet.
Such is the life of a psychic......babble....
I am doing other things now as well. I took up game programming and am currently working on my own R.P.G. game, and some other games as well. When finished I will have them in my download section, but that might not be for some time. My time at home is not wasted at least. I have been teaching myself programming in C++,DX, and a little Gl, but I am spread very thin when it comes to learning, I have a little bit of everything going on. The main focus now is the RPG, which I am hoping will have a spiritual touch to it that only I could give it...*WEG*
If you would be interested in being a beta tester someday, drop me a line and let me know:) Or if you have any ideas on what would make a good game....etc...
© 2000 Daniel A.K.A:
dracodarkblade@hotmail.com
Peace!
