Lina: Welcome everyone to Osaka, Japan for our seventh AWF card in three years. I'm Lina Inverse and with me as always is Ryoji Kaji.
Kaji: You make me sound like I'm Dana Carvey or something.
Lina: You mean ...you're not? Then what the hell are you doing here, get me Dana Carvey.
Kaji: I feel...so loved.
Lina: As you should old man. Anyway enough with the pleasantries we've got a great card for you tonight as one of our main events has twenty characters in one right at once in an over-the-top Battle Royale for the Mainstream title, in addition World Champion Gendo Ikari does battle with the notorious Sir Integra Hellsing.
Kaji: A fabulous card all and all.
Lina: But before that we've got internationally wanted thief Lupin the Third doing battle with regionally wanted panty thief Happosai. I'd say the old man is at a distinct disadvantage in this match up, what do you say Kaji?
Kaji: While it's true Lupin's got the size and strength advantage, Happosai's got speed and his ever popular bag of tricks..
Lina: The bag of panties?
Kaji: Well I was thinking of his martial arts tricks but yeah he has that bag of panties too.
Lina: I dunno, the old man's only won what one match so far, and I doubt he can beat Lupin.
Kaji: I think you're just mad about all the times the old man groped you.
Lina: *twitching* oh ...I'd forgotten about that ...thanks for reminding me Kaji. Let's just go to the ring.
*Tsuki to Taiyou no Meguri starts*
Tenchi: Ladies and gentlemen the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Japan, wanted in over fifty countries, Lupin the Third.
*cheers*
*Zettai! Part 2 starts to play*
Tenchi: His opponent, the lecher, the only man with the balls to grope Lina Inverse *gets hit by a brick* owwwwwwww....*looks at card again* master of the founding school of Anything Goes Marital Arts, Happosai.
*boos*
*Bell*
Lina: *sits down* We're underway as Lupin and the old freak begin by circling each other around the ring to gauge each other's strength. Happosai reaching inside his robes and he's got a small explosive ...tosses, Lupin returns it with a tennis racket. Happosai manages to move as that one sails into the crowd and maims that hot dog vendor.
Kaji: No one's safe.
Lina: Happosai back to his little firecrackers but Lupin did his scouting as it appears he is returning every single one of them with that tennis racket. Happosai is getting visibly angry as he runs across the ring twirling that pipe. Lupin uses the tennis racket to block, and Happosai is hopping mad ...literally.
Kaji: You know...this match could take all day at this rate.
Lina: It could...but probably won't. Happosai leaps into the air and is on Lupin's back. He's on his back and there's smoke coming off Lupin's back as Happosai's done something to him.
Kaji: It's the infamous strength sapping moxibustion technique. Lupin will not be able to hurt Happosai for the rest of the match.
Lina: Happosai with that pipe nails Lupin in the groin and sends him flying into the crowd. And he's off and running folks. Lupin goes flying again...this is actually pretty pathetic.
Kaji: I guess Lupin forgot his asbestos undershirt.
Lina: Lupin up into the air, triple back flip, manages to land on his feet back in the ring. Unfortunately Happosai with that cheap shot with a desk leaves Lupin prone in the center of the ring while the old freak disappears again. Where'd he go *camera shows Lina looking around the arena for Happosai while showing him sneaking up behind her*
Kaji: Uh...Lina *points*
Lina: Not now..
Kaji: You'll be sorry..
*Happosai grabs Lina from behind*
Happosai: Miss me?
Lina: *twitching* Yes...but not this time. *ties him to a chair*
Happosai: Kinky..
Lina: Oh it will be *points* Dill Brand!
Happosai: Wha?!
*Happosai and the chair are blown skyward*
Kaji: Nice shot..
Lina: Thanks, Happosai into the air arching and comes crashing down into the ring chair and all. Lupin cover and a count. One, two, three. It's all over.
*Bell*
Tenchi: Here is your winner, Lupin the Third!
*Tsuki to Taiyou no Meguri starts*
Lina: Lupin gets the victory over Happosai..
Kaji: ...with an assist from Lina Inverse.
Lina: Well I guess he shouldn't have grabbed me. Let's go to Miyuki backstage with the victorious Lupin.
*Backstage*
Miyuki: Lupin things were looking really down for you early in the match when Happosai applied the moxibustion to your back.
Lupin: Moxi-wha? Oh that burn thing...yeah it burned quite a bit but I managed to get that worked out before he made it back into the ring.
Miyuki: I don't understand...we say him manhandling you out there...
Lupin: Well I actually switched myself for a dummy when he knocked me into the crowd. I then slipped backstage where the doctor fixed me up...but Lina had already knocked him into the ring so I figured what the hell and covered the old bastard.
Miyuki: But what about the dummy?
Lupin: Oh...it's under the ring, I slipped it there *smiles*
Miyuki: Well, quite an unexpected explanation. Though I guess it was all for naught thanks to Lina's impressive take down of the old freak. Lina, Kaji back to you.
*Booth*
Lina: Thanks Miyuki. Stay tuned we've got an extra special match as the man the myth the legend...Kinataro Oe faces off with the madman from Truth or Consequences New Mexico Cactus Jack. Stay with us!