Lina: Welcome back. Tonight we have a unique match as the hardcore wrestling legend Cactus Jack does battle with the hardcore legend of another sort, Kintaro Oe.
Kaji: Hey Lina wait a minute...
Lina: Yes Kaji?
Kaji: How can Cactus Jack wrestle Kintaro? Aren't we pushing the boundaries of fantasy and reality?
Lina: What's your point?
Kaji: Well nothing really, just asking.
Lina: Let's go to the ring.
*Study a Go! Go! starts to play*
Tenchi: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a special falls count anywhere match. Introducing first, from Japan, using kenpo, Kintaro Oe.
*cheers*
*Born to Be Wild starts to play*
Tenchi: His opponent, from Truth or Consequences New Mexico. He uses what he finds, Cactus Jack!
*standing ovation*
*Bell*
Lina: They start with a lockup, Kintaro with a slight height advantage backs Jack into the corner. Clean break, or so we thought as Kintaro lays an elbow across Jack's jaw. Jack slightly dazed as Kintaro mugs for the ladies in the audience. Bad move as Cactus Jack comes out of the corner with a vicious clothesline. Now Kintaro gets a dose of mockery as Cactus Jack works the crowd.
Kaji: The chicks dig scars.
Lina: Jack has the pony tail and picks Kintaro up, nice vertical supplex. Kintaro really felt that one. Cactus Jack hooks the leg. Asuka counts: one, two and a kickout.
Kaji: It's way too soon for that. This is a man who can get his ass dominated and pop back to life five minutes later. Speak of the devil.
Lina: Kintaro with a thumb to eye, and a punch to the groin. Cactus Jack is stunned. Kintaro coming back with a sharp kick to the face. I think he broke Jack's nose because we've got blood already.
Kaji: See what I was talking about? And he follows up nicely with an over the top rope clothesline, Cactus Jack to the outside.
Lina: Remember folks this is a special falls count anywhere match so Kintaro could pin him out there or if he wanted to...
Kaji: The women's locker room
Lina: There too, but I was going to say the ring Kaji.
Kaji: There's nice too.
Lina: Kintaro has climbed to the top rope and is going for an elbow drop. He hits it across the back of Cactus Jack. Going for a cover but Cactus Jack turns it into a small package. One count only though. Jack trying to wipe some of that blood off of his nose as he struggles to his feet. Kintaro goes for a kick, but it's caught and Kintaro has his throat spiked on the guardrail. Jack has a chair. He spikes it across the back of Kintaro's head with a sickening thud.
Kaji: More blood.
Lina: Kintaro's coughing a little blood up so this can't be pretty. Cactus with another shot this time to the legs. He's trying to take away part of Kintaro's offense. Going for another one but Kintaro manages to get out of the way. Kintaro comes back with a vicious blow to the chest. Cactus drops the chair and staggers back a bit. Kintaro going for another one but Cactus manages to avoid it, hooks the arm and tosses Kintaro over the railing.
Kaji: It's about time this thing got into the crowd.
Lina: But it doesn't last long as Kintaro nails Jack sending him back over the railing.
Kaji: Dammit.
Lina: Kintaro struggles over the top with that bum leg. Cactus reaching under the ring. He's got the fire extinguisher and Kintaro gets a face full of the stuff. Cactus follows up with a shot to that bum leg of Kintaro's. He's limp on the railing as Cactus Jack fishes out a table.
Kaji: Well at least there will be a table.
Lina: Kintaro set up on the table, as Cactus gets on the apron. It could be, yes it looks like it will be. Cactus Jack going for the Cactus elbow off that ring apron. and through the table...Kintaro moves! Cactus goes through the table and no one was home.
Kaji: This could be it.
Lina: Cover and a count. One, two and a kickout. Kintaro complaining about a slow count. He really should be paying attention to Cactus Jack who's stirring and fishing under the ring for goodies. He's got a bag and it looks like yes he's got a barbed wire baseball bat too. Jack tosses that bag into the ring and winds up with the bat. Goes for the shot to the head but Kintaro and Asuka duck it. Kintaro with a blow to the midsection. He rolls Cactus into the ring. He let's Asuka get in the ring first and follows.
Kaji: What a perfect gentleman.
Lina: And gets a good look at her panties.
Kaji: Being a gentleman has it's perks.
Lina: Note to self...burn Kaji when this is over. Kintaro has the bag and opens it...he dumps it out.
Kaji: Thumbtacks!
Lina: Cactus Jack may have just sealed his own fate with those thumbtacks. As he stumbles to his feet. Kintaro waiting....Cactus is really staggering...Twist of Fate! Cactus Jack to the mat as Kintaro nails that knee to the side of his head. This may be all...but Kintaro is not going for the cover. He's picking Cactus up, sets him up. Looks like he's going for the pedigree on those thumbtacks. But no...Jack blocks it. Grabs a hold of Kintaro's two best friends.
Kaji: Testicular claw.
Lina: Followed by setup and a double arm DDT on those thumbtacks. Both men getting the worse of it as Cactus Jack's ass has to be full of thumbtacks. Cactus trying to cover him. Asuka counts: one, two and a kickout.
Kaji: You've got to be kidding me.
Lina: Kintaro Oe kicks out of Cactus Jack's signature move the Double Arm DDT, in addition to being spiked on thumbtacks. But Jack is not phased. He's got another table from the outside. He lays a big boot into the throat of Kintaro. Cactus picks up Kintaro and ties his foot in the bottom rope. Cactus Jack has set the table over the thumbtacks. He's back to the outside, it looks like he's got a strand of barbed wire. Choking Kintaro with that barbed wire.
Kaji: My god don't we have rules anymore.
Lina: Kintaro's throat bleeding quite a bit as Cactus gets back into the ring. He frees Kintaro and sets him up on the table. Cactus Jack to the top rope with that barbed wire wrapped around his forearm. Leaps...he nails it. Kintaro driven through that table.
Kaji: I think he killed him...or at least finally knocked him out.
Lina: Asuka counts, one, two and three it's all over.
*Bell*
Tenchi: Here is your winner, Cactus Jack.
*Born to Be Wild Plays*
Lina: What an ending! Stay with us we've got Oji Tanaka facing Ray Lovelock next. Oh right *points at Kaji* Fireball.
*Kaji is engulfed in flames*
Kaji: Aiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.