(Will and Barry are sitting on the couch. Will is holding up a picture.)
Will: Oh, come on, Barry. This is an easy one.
Barry: Um, I'm not sure.
Will: Take a guess.
Barry: Salma Hayek?
Will: Salma Hayek?!
Barry: Is that not a real person? I don't even know how I know that name.
Will: It's Vivian Leigh from Gone With the Wind! How can a person not know that?!
Barry: I'm tired and thirsty. Can I have a Coke?
Will: It's Diet Coke. And no!
Barry: This all seems so superficial. Are gay guys only about bodies and faces?
Jack: Absolutely not. They're only about bodies. Faces you can cover up with a cute hat or leather hood.
(Will and Barry are at a gay bar. A hot guy walks past them.)
Barry: Wow.
Will: He's pretty cute, isn't he?
Barry: Yeah.
Will: Go talk to him.
Barry: What?! I can't do that. He's out of my league. He's an all-star. I'm barely in the minors.
Will: Sports again? What did I tell you to do when those thoughts come into your head?
Barry: Right. Judy, Liza, Barbra, Bette, these are names I shan't forget.
Will: Good. Or Dream Girls, Company, Chorus Line, these three shows are quite divine.
Will: Come on, you can do this.
Barry: That's easy for you to say. You're a god.
Will: Please. A "god." (chuckles) In what way am I like a god?
Barry: You're hot. You're successful. Every guy in this bar is checking you out.
Will: No, they're not. Look, I was once where you are. Sorry, you're blocking their view of me.
(Will switches places with Barry.)
Will: Just like that, I got my first date. He ended up stealing my identity and traveling around Europe on my credit cards, but that "yes" felt good. There's your guy. Come on, make your move.
Barry: Really? No, I don't know. I-I--
Will: Come on, come on. Do it. Get your "yes." And don't give out your PIN number, even if he says he needs it to "do your chart."
Barry: I'll see you guys later. If I leave now, I can cry in the tub and still have time to eat everything in the fridge.
Karen: Barry, don't go. Don't you want to have your first man-on-man kiss tonight and give me something to call your religious maniac parents about?
Will: You paid him to go out with me?!
Jack: We talked about this.
Will: We have not!
Jack: Oh. Well, I talk to other people about it.
Karen: Even I got a few miles out of that one at the family picnic.
Barry: (to Will) Wait, that was you? Cousin Gina laughed so hard, coleslaw came out of the hole in her neck.
Barry: Stop talking about me like I'm not even here. You call me pathetic, but I look at you guys, and all you care about are superficial things, like the homoerotic subtext of "The A-Team." (Will looks at his feet.) Or how to make your butt stand out, even in a dense fog. (Jack looks at his feet) I didn't come out so I could be in your twisted production of My Fairy Lady. I came out so... I-I could find a guy and fall in love. So what do you two have to teach me? You got a 15-year head start, and you're both alone. Now who's pathetic?
Barry: If you're still into it, I'd like to start training again. 'Cause even if you are kinda superficial, I'd rather go through this with someone than go through it alone.
Will: We'd be honored.
Barry: Plus, if you can manage it, I'd really like to look like this guy.
(Barry hands Will a copy of "Men's Fitness" magazine.)
Barry: Check out those abs. Aren't they fabulous?
Will: (to Jack) Was that--?
Jack: I think it was.
Will: Baby's first "fabulous."
Jack: (quietly) Get the camcorder.
Will: (to Barry) Are those-- Is that Gucci on your feet?
Barry: Oh, yeah. Aren't they great? They kill my toes and cost a fortune, but what the hell? I'll take out another credit card.
Will: I think I'm gonna cry.
Jack: Will, do you know what this means? Unrealistic body expectations.
Will: Choosing fashion over comfort.
Jack: Living beyond your means.
Will: Boy George, I think he's got it!
 |
|