Barry: Will, Jack, this whole day has been a disaster. D. I. Saster. The plane from the S & M camp you call a spa took off a half-hour late. So what do I do? I eat a muffin. Sure, I spit most of it into a trash can like they taught me, but, I accidentally swallowed a few crumbs, and god help me... maybe a nut. Now I'm late. Oh! I look awful! My hair is never gonna look good. It's stringy and ugly, and I'm fat!
[Barry exits.]
Jack: Yikes, that was a little much.
Will: [scoffs] What a drama queen.
[Beat.]
Will: Our little boy's growing up.
Jack: I'm so proud.
Will: [into phone] Barry, it's okay you didn't like Broken Hearts Club or Kiss Me, Guido. Let me tell you a little secret, that we try to keep within the community. Gay movies suck. But, until the laws change, we're still obligated to go see 'em.
Will: Barry's got a new tux. He didn't want me to see it until tonight... Wanted to surprise me. Isn't that adorable?
Grace: [dismissive] Yeah, cute as a box of babies.
Grace (seeing Barry's transformation): Wow, he's hot!
Jack: The final test, Grace finds him attractive. He's gay, all right.
Barry: Where's Will? I haven't seen him all night.
Jack: Oh, you know... Will likes to do his own thing at these events. He's probably sucking down ten crab cakes before he makes a desperate move on some ugly waiter.
[A cute guy walks up to Barry.]
Byron: Hi. I'm Byron--
Jack: [interrupting] Ah, sorry! He's not interested. Move along. Buh-bye, Byron. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
[Byron walks off.]
Barry: Why did you do that? He seemed great.
Jack: You just rejected one of the hottest guys here. Everyone will be talking about it. Look around. Your mystique level just went up, like, 158 points.
Barry: Wow, 42 more, I can upgrade to business gay. [Chuckles to himsefl] Heh-heh.
Jack: Funny. But when you say something witty at a party, you should always appear bored, take a sip of your drink, and look away. That way, it'll seem like it happens all the time. Okay? Par example: Though two rights might make a wrong, a rolling butt gathers no moss.
Jack (feeling Barry's chest): It's like he's got a granite bra on. Come on, feel 'em.
Barry: Come on, Will, objectify me.
Barry: Will, you've gotta help keep me away from that auction table. I'm bidding on things I don't even want.
Will: I know. I'm up to $300 on lunch and a steam with Jerry Orbach.
Barry: Wow, that guy's been checking me out all night.
Will: He's not right for you!
Barry: Why? Oh, right. Jack's rule: Never date someone white after labor day. I'm gonna go over there.
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