IC's B Movie Reviews

Python (2000)

Yes, folks, it's yet another genetically enhanced animal movie. In this one, a giant python, who apparently is a new secret weapon for the Army, escapes from a cargo plane by mulching the crew. The plane crashes near a peaceful small town. Which isn't peaceful much longer... We're never quite sure how long the giant python is. On the box, it says 'Sixty feet of pure terror.' However, during the movie it's revealed the snake is 129 feet long. Anyway, it's a huge snake.

After the authorities hear about the plane crash they send the python's creator, played by Robert Englund of 'Nightmare on Elm Street' fame, to help round it up. After the mountain biking credits, we have the requisite nudity, and this time it's more insane than ever, because it's a lesbian nude scene. They're up camping in the woods. One of them has a pet python named Lady G. She doesn't bite, she squeezes. Of course they zoom into the pet python making you think it's the giant one. And just when you think they're safe, they're devoured. Later we find out that a bunch of kids are heading up swimming somewhere. Anyway, corpses start appearing around town after the snake starts dining.

Jenny McCarthy makes an appearance as a realtor. She gets beheaded by the python's tail. After a couple more maulings, we find out the python pukes acid, too, making it even more deadly. The National Guard is brought in to neutralize the snake, but we (and they) find out that the snakes skin can deflect anti-tank missiles. The whole National Guard unit is devoured. After a fight scene between a couple characters over a girl I think, they agree to stop the python. Anyway, they hatch a plan, almost die trying their plan, and try to kill the snake. Yay, the end. Watch out for the t-shirts at the end.

Here's a couple good one-liners:

'Oh My God, the whole town is like an all-you-can-eat special.'
'This guy makes Rambo look like Richard Simmons.'

Corpse Count: 20

Now, to the ratings

If there's no other movie about genetically enhanced animals available, settle on this one, it's OK.

B MOVIE MAYHEM