IC's B Movie Reviews

Before you read this one, I'll warn you by telling you that I watched this one with my friends Kyle, Dave, & Steve over in Kalamazoo, MI. There was bound to be some insanity in this crowd.

OK, Rumplestiltskin. Movie starts somewhere in Europe in the 1400s. Rumplestiltskin rips someone's eye out and eats it while my friend Dave says 'Tastes like chicken.' Apparently the 1400s people figure out you have to say his name and light him on fire to turn him into a statue. So they say his name and light him on fire and turn him into a statue.

Suddenly we flash to the present. A cop gets gunned down when his partner is MIA during a shootout with robbers. His wife bought the statue of Rumple which somehow made it to whatever city this movie is set in. Anyway, Rumplestiltskin comes back to life and terrorizes this widow and her baby, which magically changes clothes from one scene to the next.

The weird obnoxious secretary from the TV show moonlighting is the friend of the terrorized woman. Of course, we cheered when Rumple used her for a little neck-snappin' fun. Yeah, they read the legend of Rumplestiltskin 20 minutes into the movie, and they should know what to do. But NOooooo, this has to be a feature film. They just have to get terrorized for 75 more minutes. I think Steve summed it up best by saying "You know what sucks about this movie? There's a 1/2 hour left."

Rumple pursues the woman in every vehicle he can find. Motorcycle, semi, and car. Even though he can teleport, he prefers more common modes of transportation. Either that or he's an IDIOT!! He becomes Uncle Rumple RoadRash after biffing on the motorcycle. He drives the semi off a cliff, but of course he survives. He smokes this cigar for about 2/3 of the movie, through all these crashes. Oh I know, I think he's after the baby's body or something, like Chucky. He mauls anyone in his way, including the sheriff, whom we dubbed Rosco P. Corpse-trane.

Yeah, they eventually figure it out and turn Rumple back into a statue. Like you doubted that...

Brian (on why Rumplestiltskin is so angry): 'He hasn't gotten any since the 1400s somewhere in Europe.'

Corpse count: 10 (double digits)

Ratings
• W -

  - This one definitely had its slow points, but any scene with a crazed fairy tale character makes it at least tolerable.

• HA -

  - This movie succeeds most of the times it attempts to be funny. There's still a few points where you need to down some Scotchy Pibbs or have someone hold you back from throwing yourself out the window.

• UC -

  - Thankfully, they mauled the woman from Moonlighting. The magic changing baby. Rumple one-liners. Stupid people. Classic B movie unintended comedy.

• C -

  - Rumple sure makes use of what's at hand, but there were somethings that could've been done better I think.

Yeah, you'll be twitching in some parts, but for the most part this is a good B movie. You can't ask much more of a movie about a crazed fairy tale character.

B MOVIE MAYHEM