One little, two little, three little kiddies
Throwin' cutlery at mini-dogs that don't look so pretty
Fangs flashing and frothing at the maw
Kiddies turn them into da bloodiest mess you ever did saw
The trio of kiddies did away with the mini-beasts
Now they move onto Auntie Ev who talks 'bout stupid stuff, like yeasts
They tie her up and throw Aunt Ev in the path of a chargin' horse
So many hoof-prints beaten in, ya can't i.d. her corpse
After trashing the neighborhood and mulchin' teachers at the school
The three little 'gents decide to do in another fool
Who's it gonna be who'll soon be in a lot o' hurt?
Tune in next time to find out what happens to our ol' friend Jude Cappeart!
Jude, she was a-chttin' and a-mumblin' away
'til three l'il razors started to fillet
They giggled and they cackled as they shredded her fro.
Now onto the ugly papagayo they go.
Mr. Papagayo was enjoying his life,
until he felt the pain of being slashed by a knife.
The slashing and the slicing it did not stop
before the papagayo died with a plop!
The kiddies, they were having too much fun,
so they sat down and watched a little VH1.
The videos were mostly good but some were sad,
but the kiddies blew a fuse and got real mad
when they heard of a new album by Color Me Badd.
Yes, CMB's releasing another pathetic attempt.
The kiddies looked at the TV with contempt.
Now, the kiddies tried to control their anger,
but unfortunately the TV was mangled.
They decided only one thing could be done,
pick 'em all off, one by one.
Through the next two weeks several accidents were arranged.
You might think these little kiddies are deranged.
No one was at CMB's funeral, no one was there.
Except for THE UNDERTAKER, YOKOZUNA, and PAUL BEARER.
When the kiddies found a new TV, they jigged with delight,
'cause the Leprechaun's debut in the WWF was tonight.
As the three mischief-makers watched with intense stares and glee
That little green-outfitted person-mulcher hopped into the ring
He flexed his meager muscles and gave a smile that caused much fright
Because the Leprechaun didn't need brawn to win his coming fight
Into the ring marched his opponent in a flurry of lights and smoke
The kiddies stared at the tube in awe, sure that this must be some joke
From disbelief their expressions changed into something bitter
Ol' Leppy would face another WWF debut-er, none other than John Ritter
The kiddies hated that pathetic excuse for a Hollywood entertainer
Now bedecked in pink trunks and facing the Lep, his face became much paler
John began to second-guess this career move, starting to wonder why
He'd decided to make a go at pro wrestling Only at the mythical death-dealer's hands, to DIE
The bell sounded the beginning of the match
On rushed the Leprechaun, doleing out many a bite and scratch
John responded with a crushing body-slam
From out of his sleeve, the Lep produced a spiked can ham
Leaping to his feet, the Leppy was cheered on by the masses
At home, the kiddies toasted their homicidal hero with Dukes o'Hazard glasses
"Now listen here Johnny m'boy" the Leprechaun did say
"With me, ye shouldn't toy" as he moved in to make Ritter pay
He had body-slammed the Lep, and stirred up anger within
Now he faced an attack with a deadly ham, the match barely had time to begin!
The Leprechaun with a mighty swing his killer attack he let loose
A message flashed up on the screen to the kiddies: "Tune in next time to see if the Lep cooks John Ritter's goose!"
A wrestling match cut off midway through?
To the kiddies, this was something new
But the information that the trio from hell did not know
Was that "Soap Opera Slams and Suplexes" was the name of this show
Unable to find their unholy appetites for gore and horror satisfied
The kiddies set out on a mission to make the neighbors terrified
You've gotta know that what is to come is pretty GAL-darn swell
Since one neighbor from down the block was none other than R.L.
Ole Ryan was a kid who liked to earn his pain.
The kiddies often looked at him as someone they should maim.
Now of course the kiddies wouldn't act without a worthy cause,
the egg alone was reason enough for RL to be flogged.
The fun begins as Ryan and his crew pound upon the door.
When the kiddies answer and no one's there, they cry out "Just once more!!"
Of course the fools try it once again,
what they don't know is that its the beginning of the end.
This time the trap is set, there is no time to pause,
for Ginger ripped up Ryan's leg with her deadly claws.
As RL twitched, the kiddies added to the fun
with their special brew fired from a squirt gun.
The SSF was coated with a fine yellow mist.
When they got back home, their mothers asked "Why do you smell like Piss?"
Although Ryan threatened the kiddies later with a rake,
he's now resting peacefully at the bottom of the lake.
With the SSF conquered and the neighborhood clear,
the kiddies felt great to be rid of LeMire.
But no, the kiddies' rampage didn't stop there,
all because of the AbFlex, the Bedazzler and PerfectHair.
Now after the 'gents had done away with our ol' friend Ry
They decided to give the television one more try
Looking at the guide to find out what would be shown next...
"Oh, look!" said Kiddie Number One, "It's our friend Mr. AbFlex!"
Up jumped Kiddie Number Two, he was having hunger pangs
And he came back just in time to see the entrance of Tiger Yang
"Que el infierno!" Kiddie Number Three was heard to stammer
"Why does a Millionth-Degree Blackbelt need to wield a sledgehammer?"
The kiddies stared on at the set
And while that musclebound Tony dork was sure to feel regret
The hammer slipped from Tiger's grasp, Ton's face was smashed to gore
This was a different info-version than they had ever seen before!
"That was great!" the kiddies screamed out, all as one
and all at once In the midst of their celebration,
they heard the distinct voice of a dunce-- Mike Levee was this tardley's name
And hawking PerfectHair was his game
"Look at how BEAU-tiful she looks!" Mike said
If the kiddies had their way, he would be dead
So onto the DATA bus they all hopped
And rode until at Mike's house in Gladstone it stopped
They burst into his home with a clatter
Mike, from his Bedazlled-LaZyBoy, yelled, "What's the matter!"
"We hate you, Mike... and your dumb-butt show...
Sit still why we tie you up, and off to Kiddie's Kingdom we will go!"
Mike had no say in this particular matter
For Kiddie Number Two held a knife to his bladder
And threatened to thrust if Mike so much at twitched
Now to Kiddie's Kingdom, our scene is going to switch....
Under cover of the dark,
they dragged him screaming to the park,
and the kiddies had a plan
for this unpleasant man.
Now this Kiddie's Kingdom won't be the one you went to all your lives,
not ever since they put in spiked pits and deadly rotating knives.
The kiddies shove Mike in with his BEDAZZLED vest
and they cackled as they watched Mike enter the first test.
Mr. Levee made a wrong turn and began to slide
down an incline towards the gators with their jaws open wide.
Up the wall in search of freedom Mike began to claw.
Until the gator tore his leg off with its vice-like jaw.
The kiddies were disgusted at how long he lasted, not even half an hour,
They wanted him to make it to their brand new acid shower.
As the echoes of Mike's screams slowly were decaying,
the kiddies smiled at the thought that no more infomercials would be playing.
After the fun, the kiddies drove back home listening to the 'Keeper.
Then, they thought, it was time for a good ole beeper.
The tell-tale song and rhythmic beat began inside their head
for Butryn's driveway lay in wait for them ahead.
Up to this point, the kiddies have had some fun
Battles with mini-dogs, Jude, papagayo and others have been waged and won
But before they can settle into bed and call it a day
They approach the affluent household for some fun in the driveway
"But wait!" interjected our friend Kiddie Number Three
"We are missing one important part of our usual mischief spree!"
Kiddie Number Two just knew what his buddy had meant
With a screech, he veered the car away and left treads on the pavement
Off to Mr. Donuts they sped, for Chocolate Angels galore
After all, pastries always do go nicely with nights of carnage and gore
After stocking up on donuts, they decided to scuttle by
To the army surplus store, to make a late-night buy
Armed to the teeth with guns and blades, off again they sped
Instead of the usual drive-by and beep, there'd be gunshots tonight instead
Matt Butryn, after all, made the acquaintance of many turds
Among them Josh Huffman, Mike Sanville, and Cory Mylander
No more would these brutish oafs be seen roaming Esky's halls
Tonight, if the kiddies had their way, they would be sucking napalm
Into the driveway the car next turned
Out marched the 'tards... time for them to get burned!
All at once, Kiddies Three, One and Two
Let loose with a barrage of bullets, that blew
The punks away in a flash of smoke
Josh, Mike and Cory had pulled their last cruel-to-Freshmen jokes!
The Butryns rushed out, all in a fit
Away from the crime scene the Kiddies did flit
And finally they settled back at home to rest
Day One was done-- but what happened the next morning was up to this point THE BEST!
The Cryptkeeper's Traveling Troupe of Torture and Terror had come to town
And before they even settled down
To a nice, healthy breakfast they were on their way
Only $5 admission at the Fairgrounds gate did they have to pay
You know the kiddies paid the dough and headed for the fun.
They couldn't contain their excitement, so they broke into a run.
Before they reached the entrance, they saw the blood in pools.
When they got there they were greeted by "Hello boils and ghouls!"
Now this was a haunted house unlike you have ever seen.
It would make even the bravest man start to run and scream.
There were hidden doors, traps, and secret bricks to dislodge
plus whips and fists and axemen, too, that you had to dodge.
You have two choices:
Head to Chapter 2 of the Ditty
or
Head back to The Insanity Links
I guess there's three choices.
Go to Insanity Central