There was an extra bonus if you made it by Mr. Knife,
you were rewarded greatly for risking your life.
Before you see it, you know what it is, from the stench in the air.
Yes, it is the cryptkeeper sitting in his usual chair.
The cackling corpse then stated out with, "Welcome, Kiddies, this is swell!
Now that you murderous munchkins have braved my hell,
There are some dastardly deeds I would like you to complete:
Find the people on this parchment, and give 'em some razor-edged treats!"
"The Leprechaun fellow that is first on the list
Has been cutting into my killing sprees, and I'm getting just-a-bit PISSED!
Track him down and chop him into chewy chunks of green nougat;
Do you think that your little trio of torture could do that?"
Before the 'Keeper could begin his distinct little cackle
The Kiddies assured him that they could tackle
This first assignment, and then off the rest of the people on the scroll
They left through the iron maiden secret exit, and away they strolled
With the Cryptkeeper's laugh still ringing in their ears
Kiddie One said, "That's the most fun that we've had in years!"
"But remember our mission!" said the third Kiddie
"It's time to rough that Leppy up, an' make 'em look even less pretty!"
For awhile they were not sure were to start;
They decided to scheme down at Ludington Park
After much discussion, thinking and trepidation
They remembered that the Leprechaun had joined the World Wrestling Federation
Back onto the DATA bus the Kiddies climbed,
And with a #2 held at his sternum, the driver was 'bribed'
To take the Kiddies wherever they wanted to go
Brown County Arena was where the WWF was scheduled to next show.
On their way to Green Bay, the DATA bus did go.
Though they made a little pit stop at the giant cow in Peshtigo.
Once they made it to da "Bay" the kiddies had to eat
So they stopped at a local restaurant for a tasty treat.
After polishing off their burgers and guzzling Coke with ice,
the kiddies headed to Brown County, for the 'chaun they were to dice.
As the kiddies got there, they met a trio of nuns
who were supposed to be the opponents of the Lep and the Smoking Gunns.
They talked to Vince McMahon and smile broke across their face.
Our heroic trio of kiddies was going to take the nuns place.
Towards this sixman tag team the kiddies walked the path
they were going dice up Leppy and give the Gunns a Lipton Brisk Iced Tea bath.
The kiddies reached the ring and they heard the bell
they turned and looked and Leppy said "You're all going to hell!!!"
Kiddie 1 slammed Leppy down with a move so bold
and the other two slinked around and swiped his pot o' gold.
When Leppy turned he cursed and said "You get wishes 1 2 3"
and soon from the sky was falling Lipton Brisk Iced Tea.
The Gunns were drenched, their spirits fell and they began to cry
the kiddies said to the Leprechaun "Now it's time to die."
Now from watching the Leprechaun trilogy, the kiddies knew what to do.
If you hurt ole Leppy's gold, then you hurt him, too.
As they cut the shillings in pieces, the Lep, he was a-twitchin
when they were done all that was left was a pile of bacon for your kitchen.
Mission #1 completed, the kiddies danced and sang.
They celebrated with several Rounds and a keg of Tang.
As they rode back to Esky, they remembered what they had made.
Several thousand for the end of Leppy was the dough that they were paid.
The kiddies figured after a long day it was time to rest,
but instead they settled down for a healthy fest.
After playing S o' M and Shining Force until they dropped,
the kiddies headed back to the fairgrounds where the 'keeper was a-stopped.
When they reached the keeper's chamber, he was nowhere to be seen,
then they heard some power tools and a blood-curling scream.
The kiddies knew then that the 'keeper wasn't too far away.
Then they heard "That group ROCKAPELLA are the ones you must fillet."
Knives from the Leppy incident still in hand
The Kiddies headed home to formulate a plan.
They decided that after all the festing it was time to rest,
So they settled down on pillows of ammo boxes and bulletproof vests.
Necks all convulsing the next morning like some deformed Spanish book guy
The Kiddies decided the best route to make Rockapella fry
"We'll hop on a plane at Delta County Airport today,
And arrive LIVE at Universal Studios Florida tomorrow & make the tardleys PAY"
They once again donned the nun costumes from the eventful night before,
Boarded the plane, sipped some stale pop, ate some peanuts,
And were in Orlando by half-past four.
The minuscule nuns marched to the studio, and the disguises soon were moot;
Instead, the Kiddies made themselves up to look like
Wonder Rat, RoboCrook, and Eartha the Brute.
With these new outfits securely donned
They entered the studio audience to bond
With all the mini-kids there by cracking jokes
About how they'd like to see the Chief go up in smoke.
The scene was set, and it was time for today's taping of "Carmen" to start
Out came some stupid-looking, a capella farts.
One of them had blonde dreadlocks and looked deformed;
Two others juggled bowling pins and smiled at the camera while they performed.
And the last of this little group o' 'gents wasn't very shy.
He stuck his face right up to the camera... it was The Monkey Guy!
"I hate that tard!" said Kiddie Number Three and pulled out a massive gun.
"Get down everybody" said 'Eartha' in a Jude-like voice "because now we're gonna have some fun!"
The audience of mini-kids hit the deck, and the first round of lead
plowed into the Monkey Boy, dropping him dead.
'The 'Rat' and 'RoboCrook' followed their cohorts lead,
And with a flash of gunfire, made the other three Roc-ers bleed.
There were screams heard all over the stage floor,
While the costumed assassins fled through the back door.
Happy that they had completed their second 'Keeper quest
They decided to head over to Sea World while they were Florida's guests.
As they entered Sea World, they saw so many fish
but they couldn't keep their minds off all the mayhem they had dished.
There was a little stunt show that the kiddies had to see
'cause it had that kid from that ole movie titled "Free Willy"
The action began as an ordinary day in the park
that is until someone spotted the gigantic great white shark.
All they saw was teeth and a gliding dorsal fin,
and that annoying mini-kid actor was never seen again.
The crowd was hushed in shock, except for two or three.
Yes it was the kiddies, they chuckled to show their glee.
The crowd then became angry and began to scream and shout,
but the kiddies used their trusty stun guns to sizzle their way out.
This time the kiddies knew better, they didn't have to be told,
instead of going back to the 'keeper, they just read his scroll.
Their next mission was a plain and simple one:
Track down Wilson Phillips and then have some fun!
"Oh where oh where could my Wilson sisters be?"
In a cackling 'Keeper voice said Kiddie Number Three.
The first Kiddie reminded, "Don't forget Chynna Phillips!
NOW let's get looking and find a use for these whips."
All around the sunny town of Orlando the Kiddies did go
But the Wilson Phillips members were disappointing no-shows.
Afraid that their mission was doomed to fail....
It was then that a rumble was heard, loud 'nuff to measure on the Richter Scale!
It was our ol' friend Carnie, walking along the beach!
With a crack of the whip, the bloated babe started to suffer.
The whip-wielding hellions were smashed by the sonic blast,
As their bad luck would have it, they looked around
But today, it was still the scene
Floating high above them on a magic rug
"And though your foul antics have brought me hours of amusement,
"He He HeHe HEEH!" chucked the 'Keeper with glee
Auntie Ev, Rockapella, RL, The Leppy-- the list goes on and on
Panting and wheezing, they left the zombies far behind,
So the Kiddies set off, knowing the perils that lay ahead
Now this journey sounded familiar to the three kiddies.
The kiddies all gasped and gave astonished looks.
As the kiddies debated where the spear was to be found,
The three pressed for more info, they needed to be told,
Dick had kicked the bucket, the undead were closing in
Away from the Big Dick B's now-dead form
There the Kiddie's Spear-Search begins
"We've come to find the Magic Spear
"You guessed right, Kiddies, we don't have your weapon!
With a gulp, Nick and his buddies knew this was right
They all headed to 'path's house, but she wasn't home,
Luckily the car started on the first try,
Fortunately, the Tmobile was equipped for battle,
These razor-sharp knives ended the charade,
They tried Nick and Nickel, Nicotine and Nicromancer, when it dawned on them,
It was decided that there was only one way to go,
With a roar of its sickly engine, the Testy bolted
A vengeful zombie Cappeart tore off her own face
Here's those choices again:
On to Chapter Three of the Ditty
Back to Chapter One
Back to The Ditty Page
or Back to The Insanity Links
This monstrous woman that she's gonna have to pay
For contributing to songs like "Hold On (for one more daaaaaay!)"
She donned a huge bib, and glared at the Kiddies as if they were supper!
A monstrous roar started to build deep in her gut
And with a burst of fat-enhanced sound, she belted out "BELUGA!"
Soaring over the countryside, they landed at last
In the midst of a familiar scene back in Esky.
They shivered to think of their punishment for failing to harpoon Chunky.
To find themselves in an all-too familiar section of town.
Around them was the deserted plane
Where the U.P State Fair would be set up soon again.
Of a visiting ghoul with many a scheme.
Yes, the 'Keeper's Traveling Troupe of Torture and Terror...
To their now-disappointment-- the "fun"house was still there!
Was the Cryptkeeper, having a light snack of pill bugs.
He looked down on the kiddies, with a gleam in his eyes
"It seems, little fright fangs, that the trio of chicks didn't die!"
I'm afraid it's time for me to dish out a ghoulish punishment!
So, now with a wave of my hands, I bring back from the grave...
Everyone and everything you've done in; you have no PRAYER of being saved!"
As out of the ground rose the rotting head of Judy!
Zombie mini-dogs, a charred Papagayo, and Color Me Badd
The ghastly once-dead ranks lurched towards the Kiddies, and they sure looked MAD!
The undead servants of the 'Keeper... the three little Kiddies started to run.
Out of Escanaba they fled, else they knew they'd surely be licked,
Now they knew better than to make the Cryptkeeper ticked.
When they reached Perkins, Kiddie Number One had an idea come to mind.
"On our way to Florida, we'll have to face that creepy horde...
But to be rid of this curse, we're gonna have to hunt down Wilson Phillips and beat them down with nail-studded boards!
Included dodging the ranks of their past victims, now among the undead.
The next epic struggle in their journey now begins--
At this time tomorrow, Kiddie Fans, be sure you tune in!
Yes, it was from their past, good ol' Dickie B!
They found their past teacher, hiding away in fear,
and he told them one thing, "Find the Magic Spear."
They should of known that from those old Lone Wolf Books.
There is only one way to slay those who are undead,
with a pleasantly placed Magic Spear to the head!
they heard the distinct Yip of an undead mini-hound.
And of course the rest o' the crew was behind
when this horrendous tale begins to unwind.
but Dickie was dying, 400 years was far too old.
When Dickie, like Yoda, uttered his final word,
the syllable "Nic" was all that was heard.
And the Kiddies had no real idea where they should begin
Searching for the weapon that would do away with the frights.
So, going on their first hunch, they sped off into the night.
They fled from Gladstone, dodging the swarm
As best they could, they bobbed and they dived...
Until they reached Esky's Lake Shore Drive
With a knock at the door of Cool NICK Vardigan
"What the heck do you want?" replied the fool.
In the background was Jeremy Lark, and Tooters, too.
But it really doesn't look like we'll find it here,"
Said Kiddie Number Two, just as he spied
An undead mini-dog lurking out of the corner of his eye.
Now you'd better get going, unless you want a whippin'!"
"Watch your mouth you little snot" retorted the second kiddie.
"If you don't come with us, you'll be zombie fricassee!"
At the sight of the undead horde prowling through the night.
So with their new companions Toots, Jeremy and Nick
The Kiddies set out to unravel the riddle of late Dick.
so they hopped in da 'mobile, chock full o' T'rone!
It was a tight fit, to fit all six in the car's seats
but the zombies prowling outside made them accomplish this feat.
for the undead horde was closing in, the crew could hear their cries.
When they backed out of the driveway, the zombies charged towards their prey,
but since the kiddies were involved, it wasn't going to be their day.
'cause it had spent many hours ruining leaf piles and herding cattle.
One l'il feature from this car really saved their lives,
it was that button which, when pressed, ejected Ginsu knives.
when the horrible zombies were unmercifully filleted.
When things had settled down after this important trick,
the kiddies and their new-found allies discussed the riddle "Nic."
the magic spear was with their "pals" at Nickelodeon.
The thought of the spear with mini-kids barely half their age,
brought out from this rebel band the greatest of their rage.
the JEG must make it from Esky to sunny Orlando.
But they must really hurry, for they don't have much time
'cause the zombies were reforming from their pools of slime.
Through the ranks of pit fiends, they were smashed and jolted
This way and that, and through a mound of undead
Away from Esky The Kiddies, Toots, Nick and Jeremy sped.
And with a mighty wind-up, took aim at the license plate.
One powerful chuck was all it took
For Jude's head to land with a splat, stuck to the exhaust pipe by black gook