Ignorant of their new passenger onboard,
The Kiddies outran the foul-smelling horde.
Through Gladstone, Rapid River, and further they drove
Out of the town where the zombies would forever rove.
UNLESS, of course they found that magic, sharp-tipped toy forged to attack
Creepy crawlies; they sped on 'til they reached the Mighty Mac
After paying their toll, the continued on...
Judy's disembodied head was still tagging along!
They decided to refuel and take a break finally
At a little park, where all six enjoyed TAKING A SCOTT (p).
Sitting on a bench afterwards, they enjoyed some machine-bought snacks
Until the vengeful attack of the zombie head of ol' Capps!
Fiercely the Kiddies battled, but their kicks and punches didn't even scratch
Jude's slithering face, onto Toot's leg it next latched....
Just as an Orange Truck rounded the bend
And slammed on its brakes-- was this to be the Kiddies' terrible end?
Or would some unknown savior hop out of the vivid tangerine-hued cab,
NOOOO, things started too look increasingly drab
When the trailer burst open in an explosion of metal shrapnel
And out of its depths, the fetid undead ranks ambled!
"That's right!" yelled the driver, it was zombie-Sam from Color Me Badd
"We've been tailing you since you left, it seems you've been had!"
The only hope of the Kiddies and their pals of escaping the minions of the Demonic Orange Truck
Was to make it into the Testy, and take off, or else they'd be #$%&ed
Now this next little segment was a pleasure to behold,
especially for the kiddies' crew, for their move so bold.
They slithered to the T'mobile and hit the gas and peeled
the tires like a grape, but the zombies would not yield.
This time 'twas Tooters who saved the day, it is him the kiddies thanked
for he pulled out a big foam ice cream cone and he yelled "Point Blank!!"
Now this l'il burst o' ammo was one the zombies didn't expect,
for this speedy ice cream cone slammed them to the deck.
As the zombie horde recovered, the kiddies sped away,,br>
they would be better prepared to fight another day.
At a rest stop near Detroit, the kiddies checked the trunk.
In there they found some 10-ton pillows, fireworks, and other junk.
Things were uneventful and calm for the next twelve hours,
until the sky darkened up, and there were some thundershowers.
When the storm had cleared there was a sight the kiddies didn't want to see.
In their rear view mirror was an orange truck full of zombies.
The souped-up Schneider gained on them, it was closing fast
and added to this mayhem the Testy was nearly out of gas.
They ducked into a Mobil station, hoping for a break
and while they refueled they revived with Jack's kippered beefsteak.
This time lady luck was with them, for the semi speeded by,
But it won't take long for the horde to turn around, so the kiddies had to fly.
They took back roads and hoped they'd lost the truck, but only time could tell,
they were almost getting cheerful when suddenly their spirits fell.
For blocking the Kentucky access road for nearly a quarter-mile ahead,
was the pack of zombie-tards led by the rotting Jude head.
Kiddie 1 slammed on the brakes and tried to turn around,
but zombies filled the road behind them, escape was nowhere to be found.
The kiddies tensed for battle, as did the zombie-fools,
but this time the kiddies were cornered, so the enemies began to drool.
The kiddies began to get nervous, who would save them now?
The answer came in the form of Chewie and a giant cow.
Chewie did three back flips onto the scene and grew larger in the kiddies' awe.
Then him and his giant bovine buddy cleaved through the zombies like a saw.
Yet again the kiddies escaped the horde and thanked their newfound friends.
But unfortunately the Wookiee and the bovine could not come with them.
Once they were cruising safely on the highway I-75, they heard a creepy voice.
It was the "Keeper" who pulled up beside them in a new Rolls Royce.
He said he decided to send some help for the kiddies that one and only time,
But he'd hurt 'em severely if they put him in a ditty with words that
didn't rhyme.
Then he pulled away in trails of dust, and maggots too, of course,
And the kiddies trekked on into Florida like a thoroughbred horse.
When they reached good ole Nick studios they thought their quest was at an end.
However, they didn't count on the Nickelodeon stars having lots of "friends."
Who did they have to mulch here, the Kiddies were not sure
They parked the Testy in the lot, when suddenly a car swerved
Right into the path of the marching munchkins, it was more frightening fun
This time in the form of three singers, one of them weighed a TON!
"We know what you're here for, little gimps!" said the feisty blond
"...But..." added Chunky, yelling from the car "The spear's already been found!"
It looked like curtains, the chicks slammed on the gas
And with a roar of the engine, the Kiddies' hopes began to pass.
Fearing at first they would be run down,
They stared in fright as Wilson Phillips left town.
What were they to do now, their hopes were almost gone
But just then started the real fun.
Before their last bits of morale were shattered to bits,
The Kiddies were approached by the host of Wild And Crazy Kids.
"It's Omar Gooding!" squeaked out Tooters in shock,
"And look on his shirt," said Jeremy "it's a big shamrock!"
Omar explained to him that he got tired of the normal routine
of hanging out with mini-kids, so he got a bit mean
And took up a hobby that the other Nick-people berated
He was now a bounty hunter who specialized in how the Leprechaun could best be exterminated!
"I've learned a few skills from my intense training,
and though my new line of work has been fun... it's draining.
Besides, I've caught word that you three chaos-causing adepts
Have already done away with our mutual "friend", the Lep."
Omar continued "So as a way of showing my thanks,
I'm going to lend you a squadron of top-secret Nickelodeon tanks.
They have acid-balloon launchers, and firepower to spare,
Plus leftover ammo from the set of Double Dare."
"Not only that, I'd like to join your daunting battle...
So let me put an end to my tendency to babble
By saying, Nick and Jeremy and Toots can rest here for awhile
While we hunt down those three broads, and from their faces wipe the smiles!"
As they pulled the deadly tanks out, they heard screaming from down the block.
Luckily for the kiddies, Chunky's weight had caused the car to stop.
Chynna and Wendy yelled at Carnie, for not using her Slim-Fast,
and they would have gone right on yelling if they had not been gassed.
The first assault of acid missiles hit Chynna in the face.
She was, though, well protected 'cause her make-up stayed in place.
Wendy, too was struck by ammo, this time a rotten egg.
It got her as she tried to flee and it broke her leg.
Chunky, though, was left unhurt because of her gelatinous armor,
But when the kiddies pulled out the flamethrower, she felt it getting warmer.
"Say it with Fire!" the kiddies said as they fried her like some bacon.
and as she writhed and twitched in pain, the earth began a-quakin'.
After she was barbecued, they saw what supported all that weight,
an iron skeleton like from T2 attempted to seal their fate.
Luckily, there was acid to spare, and the kiddies aimed and fired.
It struck ole Chunky in the chest and she finally expired.
At the sight of their monstrous partner brutally meeting her end,
the other two jumped into the sea and were never seen again.
The 'Keeper's quest finally fulfilled, the kiddies stopped to rest,
they thanked Omar for his help and returned to the studio to fest.
When they got back to "Nick Central" they saw a brutal fight.
Toots, Jeremy, and Cool Nick V, were brawling with all their might.
The zombies again had found the crew and were hungry for some meat,
but the mini-kids from Escanaba weren't going down in defeat.
Just as the fight was getting interesting, the zombies all fell down,
and the kiddies heard a cackle. The "Keeper" was around.
A cool mist filled the chamber, and they heard the 'Keeper's breath,
but when he did his tell-tale laugh it scared them half to death.
He said "'bout time, you fiendish friends, that you stopped those three,
Now I want you end some more annoying lives for me."
"Just wait a minute, 'Keeper!" Omar Gooding said.
The kiddies looked his way with fright, expecting him to be dead.
"They've mulched enough people for a while, give them a short break.
Why don't we go to my hotel and watch 'Big Brother Jake.'"
The 'Keeper agreed, with one slight change, they had to watch his show.
So they all sat down in front of the tube and watched (not smoked) some HBO.
Wilson Phillips was done away with, all the zombies scattered dead
The Kiddies had smoked some HBO and it played tricks on their heads.
Settling down to sleep that night,
Their dreams were filled with horrific frights.
Sharing the same nightmares, the Kiddies found themselves
In a Weird Al song, and all about lay slain reindeer and cut-up elves.
It was the night Santa went crazy, they knew this right away
From the telltale remains strewn about, and the presence of the sleigh...
It was decked out with missile launchers, tommy guns and radar sights.
From the Kiddies viewpoint, ol' Saint Nic was ready for one heckuva fight.
But not wanting to be on the receiving end of gunshots and slashing knives,
The kiddies hitched a ride on a Kalte Ice Barbarian sled, and fled for their very lives.
Dashing through the snow, they were miles away
From the North Pole, when high above them they spotted the sleigh.
"Oh no" said Kiddie Number One "this looks like the end of the trail...
'Cause while I can't really see the pilot, I can make out that he's
swinging a spiked-ball flail!"
Indeed he was, though the big surprise
Came when the vehicle came closer, and the sunken eyes
That stared at them didn't belong to St. Nick, St. John or St. Peter
But instead to a seasonally dressed cackling Cryptkeeper!
"I've come to deliver some holiday cheer
And help you recover the Magic Spear.
When the Hookers took off after Chunky died,
They took the spear with them on their final ocean ride!"
"I worked my magic to animate all those undead,
But when I tried to do the reverse, and knock them off instead
It seems that they've got some mysterious force animating them now...
I'm afraid to report they've captured your friends Chewie and the Cow!"
"So while you slumber, Kiddies, in this winter slaughter-land
Back in the real world, the army's got their hands
Full with fighting off the attacks of creatures from the netherworld,
So you need to find three weapons: The Magic Spear, the Enchanted #2, and of course the Sommerswerd!"
"Here's the plan, my fright fang fans, when you finally wake up
Go out and rent a copy of the classic movie 'Howard The Duck'.
Pop it in a VCR when the moon full, play it backwards, take another nap
And in that dream I'll give to you the necessary treasure map."
With a start, the kiddies woke, the 'Keeper was nowhere to be seen.
Talking with each other, they discovered they'd had the same dream.
Glancing around the room, there was no three buddies and no Omar
To be seen, but they found a note in the Testosterone Mobile Car.
While they drove over to the movie store to rent the 'Keeper-requested film
Kiddie Two read the note, and things again looked rather grim.
It seemed that while the Kiddies slept, their buddies had been bagged
By the forces of none other than the Evil Darklord Gnaag.
Not only did the Darklords have the bovine buddy and Chewie
But also Omar Lep-Hunter, Cool Nick Vardigan, Jeremy and Tootie!
In the note Gnaag outlined the conditions of their release...
The Kiddies would see their friends again only if they turned the
Cryptkeeper into mincemeat.
Now the kiddies had to choose between the 'keeper and their crew,
But as they were deciding an idea began to brew
inside the head of kiddie number three.
He called them all together and said "Listen to me!"
Now this plan needed courage, strength, bravery, and luck,
for if they were found in Helgedad, they were three dead ducks.
They disguised themselves as hunchbacks and slinked aboard a train
across the desolate wasteland that was the Darklords' claim.
Upon reaching the blackened city charred with ash and smoke,
they decided to stop by Gnaag's place for a soak, a choke, and a poke!
All three were advanced Magnakai so they were quite discreet
on their way up Gnaag's death tower, as it loomed above the street.
Not a single guard saw them, not one so much as moved,
'cause since their fights with the zombies, the kiddies' slinking had improved.
Upon reaching the foul beast chamber, the kiddies planned their attack
to beat ole Gnaag down to the ground and get their buddies back.
Kiddie one struck first and soaked Gnaag with a large squirt gun.
The deadly acid contained inside only added to the fun.
Kiddie Two snuck up with Grady, laughing all the while,
knowing that soon ole Gnaag would wear a crimson smile!
Kiddie Three would not be undone, for he had the Silver Oak Bow!
He pinned Gnaag to his throne with a smashing blow.
But as the kiddies saved their friends they realized their mistake...
They had used no magic weapons, their victory was fake.
Gnaag cackled and bellowed "Kiddies, bye bye!
In the Helgedad lava pits you are going to fry!"
And he would have been right, the Kiddies would'a been dead
But the 'Keeper came to their rescue instead.
He teleported in using a Marvel superpower,
And used Dungeons And Dragons spells to loose a meteor shower.
"It's 'KEEPER TIME," said the corpse, who now has his own game,
But borrowing tidbits from other rpg's caused him no shame!
Behind the decomposing savior followed a brawl-ready cow
Chewbacca, and one-armed Alan Alda were also in tow.
The cryptkeeper prepared a getaway
While his companions battled to keep Gnaag and his minions at bay.
Unfurling a magic carpet he'd used before
'Keeper beckoned the others to climb on board.
ON hopped the 'Keeper, Kiddies, Alan, bovine and ol' Chew
Out of Gnaag's castle the crew flew.
Looking down, the 'Kiddies were all aghast...
Gnaag pulled off his face, which was really a mask!
It was Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and before the Kiddies flew away
He had a few words that he wanted to say.
"You kids must have rocks upstairs in your gourds
Not to remember that the REAL Gnaag was killed by the famous Kai Lord!
I've taken up his place, and taken the sought-after magic items, friends
Scattered them all over the earth, from far to near ends!"
Will the Kiddies and cohorts ever rescue their buds from JTT?
That depends on if they can make their weapon-search complete.
So we leave them flying with the Keeper and friends, off on their quest...
And next year The Kiddie Ditty will see how well they fare in their test!
Where now?
On to Chapter Four of the Ditty
Back to Chapter Two
Back to The Ditty Main Page
Back to Insanity Links