The 'Keeper and his cohorts flew away into the night,
but his getaway carpet faltered 'cause the load was not too light.
The crew began a-tumblin' and saw it way too late.
Directly in front of their path lay a Shadow Gate.
Yes, they stumbled into that plane that the kiddies knew too well.
The Daziarn was where they were, on a holiday to hell.
Luckily from Book 11, the kiddies knew what to do.
They had to find another gate and slice Vonator in two.
For those who don't remember, ole Vonnie was a fool.
For he betrayed his country and is a hunchback, too.
So while the kiddies prepared to make him into mashed po'taters.
Bette Midler sang a few notes of "God Help the Outcast Traitors."
After humming their little tune, our heroes did progress
Towards Vonatar's hideout far away, until they did egress
And donned some bulletproof vests that one-armed Alan had brought along;
After all, those things were handy for medics in Vietnam.
Trudging across the red-sanded desert for what could have been days,
Our seven heroes decided that it might be best to go separate ways
In order to cover the most amount of ground
Until the evil Von-ster was found.
So Kiddies one and three, and da 'Keeper decided to go northeast,
While northwest traveled Kiddie Two, the Cow, Al, and the Wookie beast
.
"Catch you later, slice-o-nators!" cackled Cryptie with much glee.
And so now our story will follow him, the first Kiddie and number three.
"Drat, we forgot the carpet!" said Officer Cryptkeep.
"Unfortunately," said Kiddie Three, "these sand dunes are quite deep."
But somewhere in the sands up ahead
They knew there would be a tomb with a giant that was quite dead.
As the kiddies crept on closer, they used their Magnakai skills
to locate the hidden megatomb beneath the hills.
They reached the entrance to the tomb and warily slithered inside,
for in LW books if you were not careful, you most often died.
"It seems that someone was here before us." said kiddie number one.
"Just look at the footsteps on the floor cause someone had to run."
The cause of all that mischief once again showed its face.
It was that of a disfigured Muppet sporting a can of mace!
It was a combo of Miss Piggy, Kermit, Animal and Gonzo the Great.
More horrific than all combined it screeched out "Eight is Great!!"
The kiddies struggled to place the meaning but the "Keeper needed no hints.
And they were luckily that the 'Keeper gave his color a kick and sported lots of Glints.
The Keeper dished out to all companions a Glints brand color pack.
And at the sight of this new weapon the Muppet, he shrank back.
He pleaded for mercy, whined and offered help
to the kiddies if they would not glint him and grind him into kelp.
So our disfigured Muppet friend was accepted by the kiddies,
and as they ate some vittles, he told them several ditties
all about life in this old plane, and how to get away.
The first thing they would have to do is meet the Chaosmaster and fillet.
Meanwhile the other group had a much harder time,
but got the same information after a battle with mutant swine.
After they finished makin' bacon, a vision appeared to them.
It said go west and then northeast to where you will find him.
The Muppet knew the way to the Chaosmaster's den as well.
And as both squads grew nearer, they noticed the awful smell.
As they reached the clearing where the Chaosmaster lived they heard a strange new sound.
Another reason to fillet him, the kiddies then had found.
When they recognized the new sound, there reaction was quite plain, "AaaaaH!"
For right in front of their very eyes was ole Chaos doing the Macarena.
Unforeseen amounts of rage filled the kiddies minds and arms.
For soon around the Chaosmaster they were attacking 'cause they had some quarms."
The attack was short and sweet, the victory not at all slim.
For in moments every ally had hacked apart a limb.
The Chaosmaster twitched and squirmed until the time of dusk.
Then the death throes stopped, yes he was a husk.
However as night closed in a new foe came on the scene.
He was an archer ready to do in the kiddies while remaining unseen.
The 'Keeper was on watch duty when the archer pulled back his string.
But when the arrow struck ole cryptie, he yelled "Demi? Sching!!!"
Everyone was awakened by that unearthly yell.
And for the archer it was like ringing a monstrous bell.
For the 'Keeper, like old Pluvius, proceeded to light him up.
And when he was finished, there was no ass left to whoop.
Now the kiddies knew they were in a hostile place.
They had to find Vonnie's stronghold up on a cliff face.
The disfigured Muppet gave them their last clue.
Go two miles north to the cliff face, you'll know what to do.
Across the desolate plane, the motley crew marched
The desert air making their throats parched
And as they were also suffering from hunger pangs,
Al,Chewie,Cow,Puppet,Cryptie and kiddies went to dine on Rounds and Tang.
But the sight in their backpacks gave them all a good fright,
Some rats had come along to snatch MEALS in the dark of last night.
Without food and drink, they knew their time was not long,
So without further ado, marched on to the 'hold that was "strong."
They battled Psychic Reapers, and a damn big snake,
Away from that last fight a not-so tasty meal they did take.
So with full tummies, and a bone to pick with ol' Von
Into the heart of the stronghold our group traveled on.
In sight past the overlooking railing was the Outcast Traitor,
With a full compliment of Sommerlund's Villains, who would not wait 'til later
To mount an attack, with spears and knives and sharp swords;
Our heroes were nearly overrun by the fright-fangey horde.
And just when things seemed to be unable to get worse,
The cow suddenly whipped out an alligator purse
From which he procured a crystal ball-like device
And said, "Now this oughta cook you all up real nice!"
Yes, it was not an attack on the villains he launched
But instead, it was his companions he was attempting to munch.
The crystal hit the ground with an explosive, FTD Fire Bouquet blast
Turning Chewie, One-Armed Alan and the Puppet to ash.
The Kiddies and 'Keeper just paused in shock...
The bovine was their buddy, or so they had thought.
Until a morphing transformation began to take place over him
And they realized-- he was a spying Polymorphed Nadziranim.
The sorcerer rejoined the villainous crowd,
And our already-shocked heroes glimpsed in the background
Ol' Vonotar, and he was up to no good, they feared...
Preparing a mulching spell-- before him sat the Number Two, Sommerswerd, and Magic Spear!
The objects of their JTT-mulching quest were finally in sight,
But it seemed they would not get to them without a terrible fight.
A horde of blade-bearing bad guys and gal lay in their way.
Undaunted, the quartet whipped out shillehlahs saying "Time for some Bangkok Play!"
"Your rules are really beginning to annoy me." said Kiddie Number One
and pulled out his pocket iron maiden from Mattel to add to the growing fun.
"No one draws 'til this hits the ground." said Kiddie Number Two
as he pulled out his trusty tear gas and at the crowd he threw.
"Draw!" said Kiddie Number Three as the bad guys clawed their eyes
cause the gas made your eyes burn up and turn into golden brown Retina Fries
which of course were good with ketchup and other select condiments,
at McDonald's and many other fast food establishments.
As usual, sneaky Vonator avoided the main blast,
and while the kiddies were busy he attempted to sneak past.
But he forgot to account for the Keeper which was his downfall
for our decomposing hero was waiting in the hall.
Vonnie met the Keeper in the most famous of showdowns
even better than those held in old west ghost towns.
But, as you know the Keeper, he had some tricks up his sleeve,
in order to stop Vonnie from completing his spell weave.
Vonator looked at the Keeper, scowled, hissed, and tried to leave,
but of course the Keeper had another trick up his sleeve.
He called upon all his power to make ole Vonnie pay.
And brought forth the Beastmaster fresh from his gig on Christmas Day.
Marc Singer made a noise not unlike a screeching hawk,
while Vonnie sat and stared, he was too awestruck.
That was his downfall, that moment of utter awe,
for a big black panther ripped his humpback spine apart with a bloody claw.
With the downfall of their leader, the others quickly faded,
and the kiddies chopped 'em up with knives that were serrated.
The magic weapons in their reach, the kiddie crew chuckled with glee
for soon they would be using these weapons to puree JTT!
But first they had to escape the plain of peril that they were in
Yes, they had to dice with death before they could win
their freedom from this awful place
so they could politely cave in JTT's face.
Wink Martindale made a guest appearance in the Daziarn
because he really wanted to be in this rhyming yarn.
He was the guest announcer for the game that was to be played.
which the Kiddie Crew had better win or else they'd get filleted.
Vonnie was all torn to bits, the villain had been laid low
In another puff of magical smoke, the Beastmaster too did go.
"Ah, look at these beauties!" cackled Cryptie with much glee
As he picked up and handed the Kiddies the fabled Weapons Three.
Wink said, "And now a moment of mourning for the companions who were lost,
We'll have Kurn sing some sad girl-part music, and read some Robert Frost."
And after these moments had somberly passed
The quartet and Wink set off to whoop some Teen Beat ass.
But then there was the problem of escaping the Shadow Plane
The fact that there was no portal made them start to feel insane.
Kiddy Three in a fitful moment gave a body-check to the wall
And before their very eyes, the bricks that were there did fall.
Beyond the gaping hole lay a swirling mass of black...
"And this," chimed in Martindale, "must be the way to get back.
But now I must be going!" And through the gate he leapt
And was instantly teleported onto the set of Debt.
While Keeper and the Kiddies stepped in after him
Fate had a funny way of playing mulch-o tricks on them.
Instead of being warped back to Earthly fold
They found themselves trapped in the dimension of Super Mario World.
First they fought some Goombas, like the norm in every game
And smashing lots of F-ed Up Funguses brought them a measure of fame.
All around the Mushroom Kingdom, word of three kids and a corpse spread
So Princess Toadstool set out to hire them to make ol' Bowser dead.
You see, Mario had been captured by a horde of evil Sniffits
-- they were seen only in Super Mario 2, as the gas-mask wearing 'gents--
And Yoshi had come down with a case of Dinosaur Squirts
While Toad and Luigi had moved to Busyland (of Cacoma Knight fame) and were selling tie-dye shirts.
A royal Mushroom Messenger was dispatched to seek the help,
Since all of the usual heroes had troubles for themselves.
He met up with Crypt and Company while they were resting near a vine,
And when they heard Toadstool's offer, they thought it sounded fine!
They accepted the Princess offer on one condition,
she had to accompany them on their mission
and after they sealed Bowsie's fate
lead them to a Shadow Gate.
And so a deal was made, like none ever written before.
Once again the Mushroom kingdom was in the midst of war.
The kiddie crew plus one now went slinking 'cross the game
leaving mayhem and crippled Koopa kids wherever they came.
This crew, like Warren G, were good at regulating
the mini-freaks aplenty that were lurking in this world and they were not waiting
to get across every world and get to the evil king
so they could use the magic weapons they had acquired to make his baconwave sing
Yes, a little known secret from the Mario series was discovered after gaining 57 flowers.
Once you did that you found out that a Baconwave was the force behind Bowser's powers.
The kiddies broke into the big man's castle and snagged Mario first
and then went up to the throne room to enforce a lot o' hurt.
The kiddies' plan was ready, they knew what to do.
They confused the big "man" by splitting into three pairs of two.
Kiddie two and Mario started the frontal assault deadly quick
while Kiddies one and three took out the guards with piano wire and a wrist flick.
The Keeper and the princess headed for the 'wave.
And saw it chock full o' bacon, they knew what they had to do to save
the kingdom from destruction by this evil menace
that looked more like Mr. Wilson than he did Dennis.
They had to eat the bacon contained in the mystical tray
and hope that Bowser's powers would be taken away.
The 'Keeper took a bite and his cackle was heard across the land
when he said "It's got frying pan taste without the frying pan."
When they had polished off the 10 strips held in the baconwave.
The end of Bowser's reign was here, he could not be saved.
The crew looked at the princess, there was no time to wait,
they had to hurry up and find the Shadow Gate.
Tucked away in one of the secret warp rooms in the Mario series was where it was hid.
The kiddies remembered where it was from when they were little kids.
Crossing their fingers and holding their breath they stepped inside
wondering where the gate would next force them to reside.
Luckily they all rolled double zero so they all turned out correct.
They popped up in Helgedad in ole Gnaag's district.
They readied all their magic weapons safely tucked away in their korlinium scabbards of course.
Was JTT prepared to meet this awesome fighting force?
Now what?
On to Chapter 5
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