After grueling battles at every turn
The Kiddies were ready to make JTT burn.
Glancing over their shoulders to consult the 'Keep
They found he had disappeared without a peep.
Figuring he must've been warped off to parts unknown,
They continued on undaunted, their killer instincts having grown
To huge proportions, it was time to face
The "Home Improvement" minikid nuisance, and put him in his place.
Before them stretched a desolate wasteland,
It looked like the longest, deadliest journey was now at hand.
But before the Kiddies could get at all depressed,
They heard a booming voice say, "Before you dress, EGRESS!"
Who in the hellish world could be making all the racket?
Above them hovered the Dallas Cowgirls, wearing their warmup jackets.
And after having screamed out their initial battle cry,
Their ringleader was heard to say, "Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!"
Yes, it looked like the Night Santa Went Crazy was coming to pass,
And the fat man was intent on kickin' some Kiddie Butt.
But as the sleigh and it's babe-o-licious entourage grew nearer
The Kiddies found they had reasons to be paralyzed with fear.
This was Helgedad, after all, and nothing was as it first seemed,
St. Nick and 'Leaders were the stuff of the very worst dreams.
They were demonic creatures, just posing as others
And they launched their first assault by tossing jars of "Five Brothers."
The spaghetti sauce splattered, just missing the trio by an inch,
When the acid tomato sauce ate through nearby rock, the pinch
That the Kiddies were in seemed quite clear...
It was all but eminent that the end was very near.
Until, of course, the regulating posse arrived!
Somehow, Chewie, the Puppet, and One-Armed Alan Alda had survived
The Nadziranim blast, and now they were joined
By Omar Gooding, and the 'Keeper with the distinct "Cackle" he had coined!
"Now it's not a good time," said Cryptie, "To have a nice chat
Since demonic fat boy and his bimbos have chosen now to attack...
But I must take a moment to explain
My situation since I escaped the Daziarn Plane."
"Now, Nic Studios is not often the first place
I would like to show up at after warping around through space
But there I was, face to face with the boy who 'Oh Yeah!' often shouts
We teamed up before another dimensional rift tossed us about."
"Now, strange as it seems, in the final battle with Vonners
Our companions were not barbecued into goners
But instead at the last minute, they were 'ported away
By some magic Chewie picked up from me just the other day."
They were stranded in a retirement home
With Bea Arthur, Wilford Brimley, Madge the Palmolive lady and some
Of the extras from that one movie 'Cocoon'
But with my teleporting help, we escaped, and none too soon."
"So here we are, fright fangs, morphed right onto the spot
Where we were needed most, see, I hadn't forgot
About my all-time biggest fans..
But enough chatter, I've got some Kris Kringle mulching plans!"
The eight-man/wookiee fighting force spread out to start the brawl.
If they had any weapons, they would need to use them all.
Luckily the Keeper had his bag o' tricks
from which he produced some assorted blades and whips.
The Cowgirls soon had lashes 'cross their skin,
but the real fun was about to begin.
As the Cowgirls lay there twitching on the ground
the kiddies looked up, Crazed Nick was nowhere to be found.
From around a corner, a whipcrack and a scream
were the only hints they needed, this demented fighting team.
They peeped around the corner, saw the whip raised up again,
ready to strike a helpless child, 'til he was biffed by shuriken.
A cameo appearance by none other than Chun Li
saved the little kid from needless pain, but where was she?
As Kiddie Number two looked up to the sky,
he thought he saw a helicopter flying by.
At first, he was puzzled by this optical trick
until he realized it was Chun Flying with her Spinning Bird Kick.
She vanished back to the SNES, back where she belonged,
fighting Bison, Goro, and Balrog.
Back to the task at hand, the team all agreed.
They found Crazed Nick twitching, trying to pull the shuriken free
from his bloody neck, he was a goner.
No more sleepless nights for Comet, Cupid and Donner.
The Cowgirls went back to Dallas, and they were a-swervin
'cause they also stopped in a hotel room belonging to Michael Irvin.
The Kiddies now were focused on their daunting task.
Crossing bitter Helgedad without a costume mask.
Gnaag's old tower lay in ruins, there was a new one in its place.
One that at the top, looked like JTT's face.
"Luckily I brought the Crystal Explosive!" growled Chewie right on pitch.
Kiddie three replied, "I can't wait to see him twitch!"
They couldn't use their magic weapons, 'cause that would send a beam
right to the ugly tower, where JTT would see 'em.
The crew first decided it was time for a rest
and peeped in the nearest house, 'cause it looked the best.
However the residents of this house were home
and they weren't ready to give up their living room on loan.
They were hacked to pieces, 'cause they tried to run
but don't feel too sorry, it was Orc Family Robinson.
After disposing of the corpses, they settled down for the night
and awoke refreshed 'cause the orcs had Craftmatic 2, which felt so right.
They had a light meal of Whatchamacallits and Kentucky Nip,
before donning orcish costumes designed to give the slip
to the citizens of Helgedad who were ready to pounce upon and kill
anyone and anything that wasn't still.
They made it through lower sectors of the city without a scratch.
However, when they reached the JTT quadrant, they ran into a catch.
"Orcs aren't allowed in the Emperor's quadrant!" said the evil guard.
He was about to call the backup troops when he was silenced by a halberd.
Chewie did the honors, slicing o' so neat.
The obnoxious guard's lifeless head lay there at their feet.
They disposed of the body and their orc clothes as well.
For they were screwed either way, as far as they could tell.
As they neared the tower, the kiddie crew tensed for war.
One armed Alan said "I've been here before."
They crept into the tower, Kiddies one, two, three.
While the rest of the crew stayed outside castle JTT.
And now our attention will shift for a bit
To the Kiddies friends who got into a snit
With the evil denizens of Helgedad
While they waited for the three minies to get back.
Speaking of Mini, she was the first of the deadly
Foes that the Crypt Crew fought, an' she wasn't too "friendly."
On earth she was helpless and screamed at by Herb
But here she was quite nasty, and eyed the Crew like they were or'derbs.
Mini was not mini, in fact, she was ten feet tall
And equipped with razor fang and chain sickle tail, an' more than ready to brawl.
She came bounding at Chewie, Purple Puppet, Al, Omar and the Keeper
This dog meant serious business, and they doubted they could defeat her.
But then the Keeper, being a Shady Grifter, reached into his robe's folds
And pulled out a mini-boom box, pushed "play" and blared some old
Music from earlier in the decade, and Mutant Mini began to scream
And convulse as she was bombarded with "Mi Amor" by CMB.
Mini began to shrink, back to her normal size.
Though their enemy was defeated, the Crew knew they could not disguise
Themselves as Orc Family Robinson to slither away this time,
For the music had been heard by the Giaks, all covered with putrid grime.
"I think its time we did the Helgedad Slither" said a one-armed Al
"Guuuuuaaaaaaaaaaa" agreed Chewie, his brawny Wookie pal.
Said Cryptie, "It looks like there's only one place where we can hide now...
We'll go into Castle JTT, and hope to meet up with the Kiddies somehow."
The kiddie crew slinked in the door and locked it with chains and bolts
while the kiddies a few flights upstairs prepared to use some volts
to make the guards start dancing and get some info about JTT.
Like where his secret palace room was, that was where he’d be.
The guards, they were a-napping, but they woke up with a twitch,
when the cattle prod lit ‘em up, it really made ‘em flinch.
The kiddies had them cornered, they really had no choice,
"JTT is hiding above the throne," one said in raspy voice.
The force combined again, the kiddies and the crew,
and as they approached the throne room, they knew what they must do.
Above the throne indeed there was a secret room,
and the crew and kiddies swarmed on up to seal the teen star’s doom.
As the crew broke down the doorway, they brandished weapons with a "Sching!"
and chuckled at the fear and dreadful damage that they would bring.
JTT was cowering in the corner, a teardrop in his eye
for deep down in his heart he knew it was time to die.
As the crew closed in, JTT tried one last slither.
And almost slinked right by, ‘til the Magic Spear punctured his liver.
He shuddered and crumpled to the floor, in agony and pain.
Knowing he wouldn’t see the light of day again.
The rest of the magic weapons did their dirty work,
and JTT’s cruel Teen Beat husk made its final jerk.
The K-crew took the corpse and trekked to the edge of town,
and dumped it in the fire pits, where it’s still crisping now.
The clouds were finally clearing, their work in Helgedad was done.
‘cept for a few quick errands, most of which were fun.
First, of course, was the crystal explosive in the figurehead of Castle’s JTT’s right nostril
Then a quick demolition of the neighborhood orc brothel.
"Gaj Jag Zutag!" yelled the kiddies as they regulated
and the carnage did not end ‘til all the vermin were serrated.
Finally, one last trip to Sommerlund, to talk and shake some hands
of legendary Lone Wolf and Banedon who praised this mutant band.
The Kiddies work in Magnamund was over, their quest here at an end.
But, the ditty, it’s not over, not even close my friend.
For the undead hordes still roam free across the USA
And the kiddies, they had some plans to stop the spread today.
Where now?
On to Chapter 6
Back to Chapter 4
Back to The Ditty Page
Back to Insanity Links