Billy Burrew's Fan Fiction Website

Howie Dorough sat on the sofa, relaxing and recuperating from the concert that the Backstreet Boys had just performed, talking and laughing with the other fellows as they awaited the crowds to disperse so that they could depart for the next venue. Howie took a sip from his water bottle and looked up as he heard a knock on the door.

Usually, the guys would allow a few fans to come backstage, hang out and chat. Usually these were the older, more mature fans that the guys could afford to be a little more open around and that would be more fun to have hanging around. Howie looked up as a group of mostly girls and a few guys walked in and dispersed through the room, casually introducing themselves and grabbing a drink from the bar.

Howie noticed a young man and woman standing off from the rest of the crowd chatting with each other as their gaze passed from Backstreet Boy to Backstreet Boy. When they got to Howie, the young man nodded politely and then he turned his head and murmured a few words to the woman beside him. Seeing that most of the other people had already struck up conversations with the other guys, Howie got up and walked over to the couple and introduced himself.

"Well...how about we call you Howie. We have a sister named Dee and calling you that would feel funny."

Howie grinned widely as he realized that they were brother and sister, not boyfriend and girlfriend.

"My name is Bill, and this is my sister." Bill held out his hand to Howie, who shook it in return.

Howie, Kathy and Bill spent the next hour conversing about the performance, their careers, and life in general and Howie was amazed at how much he admired the two siblings. Kathy finished her soda and looked at Howie and asked him and her brother if they wanted a refill on their drinks. Howie nodded, asking for water and Bill echoed the response. As Kathy walked to the bar to grab the drinks, Howie smiled at Bill.

Bill nodded. "Yeah. I think she's pretty great too. I got us the tickets to see the concert tonight and she schmoozed us into getting back here somehow. She was really excited at us getting the chance to meet you, Howie."

Bill nodded. "Kathy has lupus. She read that article in Teen People about your sister and she's wanted to meet you in person ever since."

Howie's smile fell away and he looked up at Kathy as she came back with their drinks.

Howie watched Bill get up and walk over to Kevin and strike up a conversation, then he turned his focus back to the young woman in front of him.

Howie stepped out of the concourse of the plane. Three years had passed since the fateful night that he met the two siblings on tour. Since then, their friendship had grown exponentially. Howie had become almost a part of their family, quite literally, as his relationship with Kathy had waxed romantic, and the two had begun to date. Howie had been involved with Kathy for over two years, when it all began to fall apart.

Kathy's health took a turn for the worse, and Howie began to see what had happened to his sister those years ago, happen all over again. Howie had been on tour when the call came, and he boarded a plane and headed back to Virginia that very night. Howie arrived at Kathy's house and was met by her father and mother as he walked up the steps. They embraced Howie tightly, consoling and assuring him, as though their own grief over the loss of their daughter came as secondary in their eyes to his own. Kathy had passed away that afternoon and the whole family was still deeply in shock, the pain of their loss still very raw. Howie asked where Bill was, and was told that he had locked himself in the bedroom after he got back from the hospital. Howie nodded and proceeded to head up to the bedroom to see him. Howie knocked on the door lightly and called out. A moment later, the lock clicked and Howie opened the door.

The room was dark and Howie could make out the shape of his friend, his almost adopted brother, sitting down on the bed at the far side of the room. Howie walked over and sat beside him.

"Hey B. You holding up?" Howie asked as he turned on the bedside lamp and looked over at Bill's red, tearstained face.

Bill shook his head, causing a few more tears to fall down his cheeks. Howie leaned over and grabbed Bill into a tight hug. Bill began to shake as he cried and Howie patted his back.

A while later, Bill got up and went into the bathroom and blew his nose and then came back into the room and sat back down beside Howie, taking his outstretched hand and holding onto it tightly.

"B...I'm so sorry. I wish I could've been here this afternoon. I came as soon as I got the call."

The two men sat together in silence for a long time and shared their grief. After a while, Howie looked up at Bill and sighed, "Are you gonna be OK?"

Bill shook his head and sighed. "Dad wants me to talk at the service. I don't think I can do it...."

Howie nodded, "I'll help...We can go up together and talk and help each other through it."

Bill nodded as fresh tears streamed down his face, "What do I say? That she shouldn't have died? Why did God have to take her? He should have taken me. Kathy had so much more to live for."

Bill's grief flared with impotent anger as he looked up at Howie, "Who ARE we? I'll tell you who 'we' are! We're the ones that have to pick up the broken pieces of our lives. That's who "we" are! What the hell kind of a God would take someone with so much to live for, when there are people out there so much more...more deserving to die? The kind of people who kill or rape innocent people, or the ones that exist day-to-day off drugs, and do anything to get their next fixx. Why did he have to pick Kathy? She was a nurse...she spent half her life tending to sick people. She was one of the good guys...one of the white hats. What the hell kind of fucked up logic is that?"

Howie looked down and shook his head. The question was valid, but he was unable to answer it, nor did he know anyone who could answer it.

"Did Kathy ever tell you about why I was closer to her than to any of my other sisters?"

"When I was little, my parents put me in a private catholic school a year earlier than most kids go to school, just so that I wouldn't be sitting around the house watching soap operas with my Grandma for an entire year."

"I hated it there. The kids were stuck up and mean. They went out of their way to pick on me because of my weight, or because I had to get glasses. I got into so many fights at that school...I hated it there."

Howie nodded soberly, "Being a little kid sucks, either you were popular, or an outcast...there was almost no middle ground."

"Exactly. So I basically spent the first 5 years just hating school, the kids there, and hating myself and just being depressed. It got to a point where I just didn't want to live anymore...and that's when Kathy stepped in. She sat down by me one night and asked me what was wrong and I told her...and I cried....alot. She just talked to me and soothed me and told me not to give up...she said that the kids at the Catholic school sucked, that they were just mean and spoiled...and that she was sure I'd meet some new kids and make friends soon."

"The next week, my parents took me out of that school and put me into public school. It took me a little while, but I started making friends. By Senior High, I was a Letterman for managing the basketball and track teams, and both coaches said that they were going to have a hard time replacing me after I graduated."

"It all started with her talking to me. I don't think I'd be here today if she hadn't come and talked to me that night."

Howie put his arms around Bill and hugged him tightly. "Kathy was like that, she made things right...that was her way."

Bill nodded. "She meant the world to me, Howie. I idolized her from the night she talked to me. Now she's gone...and I feel like a big piece of my heart is gone too."

Howie nodded. "Did you know I was going to ask her to marry me, last year. I was too afraid tho...too afraid to commit and then to lose her. I had bought the ring and told the guys and my mom and then, on the day I came to ask her, she had been rushed to the Emergency Room. I talked to her doctor and then decided that I couldn't do it. As much as I loved her, I was too scared that she'd die on me. I went home and told my parents that something had happened and that I didn't ask her. They were disappointed, but my mom told me she understood."

Bill turned and looked sadly at Howie, his mouth open in shock at the revelation.

Howie shook his head, "Not as sorry as I am for not asking. I let that fear cost me the time and happiness I could have had with her as my wife, even if it didn't last very long. I was a coward...and now she's gone."

Bill sighed and shook his head as he grabbed Howie's hand. "You're not a coward. You lost your own sister to this same disease, so it natural that you'd be a little hesitant to lose anyone else close to you a second time."

"Howie hung his head and sniffled. "But I still ended up losing her anyway...and she never knew...really knew how much I loved her. I should have proposed to her. I shouldn't have shied away from her when she got sick."

Bill pulled Howie to his chest and the two lay back on the bed, staring silently at the ceiling until both fell into a dreamless sleep.

The next day was a bustle of activity, with friends, relatives and loved ones flying in from all over to pay their respects. The house was chaotically busy, with Bill's mother and father talking with the people who had stopped by, Bill and Howie sat on the sofa, chatting with the younger members of the family that had stopped in with their parents. As dusk fell, Bill stood up and went back to the bedroom and sat down at the computer and tried to compose something to say about his beloved sister.

As the evening grew late, Bill's frustration at his inability to put to paper what was in his heart grew, and he pushed the chair back and shook his head, rubbing his temples with his hand, then closing his eyes..

"I can't say what I want to say. I don't want to let you go." Bill said with a sigh.

"I know. I'm gonna miss you hanging out with me like you used to...going to concerts and stuff."

"Say what's in your heart. You were always good at speaking from the heart. You tell it like it is."

"Don't cry little bro. I'll always be in your heart...not that far away at all."

Howie sat on the sofa, watching Bill's mother and father show the last of the mourners to the door. Over the last few years, as Howie dated Kathy and became friends with Bill, Bill's parents had basically adopted him into their family. Howie had watched in wonder all day as they comforted the other mourners, lending their strength to each in turn.

Bill's father, Bill Sr. sat down beside Howie and sighed, patting him lightly on the knee.

Howie nodded...then caught himself and shook his head as tears came unbidden to his eyes. "No. No I'm not..."

Bill's father and mother sat quietly as Howie turned to them and told them about his love for their daughter. He told them about his plans for a wedding, and then how he had chickened out. As he finished he buried his face into his hands and cried, whimpering, "I'm so sorry...so sorry."

Bill's mother got up and sat down on Howie's other side, grabbing him into a hug and whispering lightly. "It's OK. Howie, it's OK."

Bill's father got up and walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed a bulky envelope off the top of it, and then walked back over and sat down beside Howie again.

"Son. Kathy left this letter for us, she said it was for you, and that we should give it to you, and that we'd know when was the right time. This seems like the right time to me."

Howie looked at the envelope in the man's outstretched hands. He took it and opened the back carefully and spilled the contents out onto his lap. Howie's vision blurred with tears as he saw the pendant that he had given Kathy a year after they started dating as well as a picture of him and her together on a beach in Mexico. Howie traced her face with his finger and then unfolded the letter.

I am sorry to surprise you with a "dear john" letter delivered by my folks, but I needed to make sure that this got to you. My health has been declining rather rapidly here and I wanted to make sure I got a chance to tell you a few things just in case I don't get to see you again.

First and foremost, I love you. I know we said it to each other a lot when we're together, and I know that a lot of people say it and don't always mean it, but that was never the case between us. I meant it every time.

I fell in love with you that first night that we met backstage at your concert. You were the most charming man I had ever met and you seemed to know just the right things to say. I count the time that we had together as blessed and I will always wish that we could have had more time, time to love and settle down and have the family that we wanted, time to grow old together, time to share looks, kisses, more time to love. But, unfortunately, that wasn't meant to be.

I know that you had intended to ask me to marry you a year ago. Your mother called me to congratulate me that night and accidentally spilled the beans. Howie...Don't beat yourself up for not asking me now. You were scared to lose me like you'd lost Caroline...and I understand. I really do. Just know that I loved you and was committed to you, and that wedding or no wedding, you always had my heart and my love.

Howie sat quietly, reading and rereading the letter as his tears fell freely down his face. After a long while, Howie stood up and dried his eyes and neatly folded the letter and placed it into his pocket, then walked to the back bedroom and quickly fell asleep.

Howie and Bill awoke early, showering and dressing for the funeral, and heading out to the airport to pick up the rest of the Backstreet Boys, who had called Bill's parents and asked to be pallbearers. The church filled up completely, with a mix of Kathy's coworkers from the hospital, friends, and relatives. As the mass began, Howie sat down beside Bill and his family and the two gripped the other's hand, sharing each other's strength. When the time came, Bill and Howie stood up and strode quietly to the podium at the front of the church, pausing only slightly as Bill walked by the casket and lightly ran his hand across the top.

Bill cleared his throat and began to speak, telling all those in the church about his sister, about what a great role model she was for him. Bill spoke of their childhood together and then their friendship during their adult years. As Bill spoke, his voice betrayed his emotions, becoming tight and strained. At one point, when Bill stopped, Howie put his hand on Bill's arm, giving reassurance and strength to him through this simple gesture. Bill nodded to Howie and then began to conclude his eulogy.

I sat down last night and wracked my memory as I tried to think about what words I could say that would give comfort to all of you who got to know and love Kathy. I finally came upon this poem, it says it better than I ever could:

"Don't think of her as gone away - her journey's just begun,
life holds so many facets -- this earth is only one.
Just think of her as resting from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort where there are no days and years.
Think of how she must be wishing that we could know today,
how nothing but our sadness can really pass away.
Think of her as living in the hearts of those she touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost -- and she was loved so much."

Bill stood quietly beside Howie for a second longer, then the two walked back to their seats, stopping in front of the casket and lowering their heads reverently.

As they spoke, the sun broke through the cloudy sky and lit up the stained glass windows around the altar, bathing the front of the church in a warm yellowish glow.

Bill and Howie stood in center of the brightness and smiled as they felt another kind of warmth surround them, like a pair of arms embracing them loosely.

Both started slightly at the feeling and they heard Kathy's voice whisper, "Thank you guys!"

Howie turned to Bill and smiled as both boys felt the weight on their hearts lighten and their grief diminish. "For Nothing loved is ever lost..."

Bill and Howie sat back down in their seats and finished the ceremony in peace, knowing that Kathy would always be with them both, living on in the love they kept for her in their hearts.

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Nothing Loved Is Ever Lost

By Billy Burrew