Through all walks of our lives there is a time to change and a time to move on. Then there is a time to remember and a time to reflect. It has been eight days short of a month since Christina's death, and the reality has no yet hit. Although, on a superficial level I have begun to move on, but I no longer cry. Inside I feel the pain as real as our existence, and I'm dying inside. I've put on a mask once more, and I'm blocking out the pain that I can't bring myself to deal with. In my whole life I have faced hurt and pain to the extent that I completely block my inner self from my outer. As much as I promised myself that the death of Christina would not come to the same conclusion, I no longer want to lie to myself. It's a nightmare that has become reality, and it's possibly the greatest tragedy that I will ever have to deal with. Another question comes to mind, will I be able to deal with this? Or will the pain walk beside my through out my life time. Then another question comes to mind, is everyone exactly the same as me? Or perhaps worse. My whole world has collapsed and picking up the pieces again seems to be impossible. Everyday I walk through school and think who's next to die? Who is the next to leave our world, who should I say goodbye to today, because I won't be able to tomorrow? This isn't one of those problems that will just go away, these are one of those life long problems and questions that will continue to haunt me. I constantly numb myself so that I am no longer able or too exhausted to think anymore. Sleep is hard to come by because every night I dream of my death or the death of others. I am fighting a constant battle with myself, one side says never think about it again and it will never hurt you, the other is telling me to think about it now so it won't hurt you later. You know what though? Which ever side that I choose to listen to, the hurt will be there and it will always be there. I am sick and tired of masking my true feelings about Christina's death, I am exhausted with putting a smile on my face when I want to cry. Do you know why? Because I still hurt and I still need to cry, even if no one else understands this, I no longer care. I want to talk about her, I want to look at her pictures, and I want and still need to grieve. Our world has become a place of harsh realities, and the way the majority of people deal with this is to move on and forget about the tragedy. To do this to myself and follow the rest of society's example will only bring me to the point where everything won't matter anymore, and my ability to love will dissolve. This isn't what I am about, and it isn't who I am. The single most important thing I need right now is to turn my life around and devote a part of my life to my friend. I wish that I can bring myself to believe that she is really gone, but it hasn't clicked yet. Will I ever truly believe it? I do not know. The only thing I do know is that it is time to stop masking myself every time something hurts me, it is time to show who I am to the world. I will cry when I need to and I will smile when I want to.

Copyright 2000