I couldn't sleep last night till five in the morning. Worry and fear kept me tossing and turning until the sun was about to set. I was perhaps fearful of myself and of all the emotions that have over aught me. Dealing with the suicide of someone who is so close to your heart feels as if your life has ended. This is the first death of someone close that I've ever had to deal with, and it is so difficult to handle. At every minute of every day I have glimpses of Christina, from childhood to our teenage years. I feel as if someone is ripping out my heart, and I'm so helpless that it is almost unreal. I understand her reasons of leaving us, but that doesn't make the pain stop. I cry and cry but what good will that do, I wish I could've given her a part of myself, I wish I could've done something. Though, the most horrifying part of it all is that none of us could've even done anything, she was just so determined. How could it be possible that someone so young and so loved could give up all hope in life? She had so many aspirations, so many dreams, and such a good heart. What I keep on thinking is that I'm never going to graduate with her, I'm never going to see her smile, or see her cry. I pray every day that she has finally found the happiness that she was searching for. It still doesn't help though. I can't even concentrate anymore, and nothing I do seems to matter. How long does it take to let go of someone you've loved so much? I don't think ever. I will always think of Christina, I can never forget a person that was always by my side. Our world hurts, and it hurts to the extent that people lose all faith and hope. Why, why can't I just give them a part of myself and maybe everything will be all right? I could ask questions forever, and I know that I should stop........but it's just so much pain. Seeing people still laughing at school just makes me want to cry even more. That just gives me a glimpse of how we're all going to go on with our lives, with one life forgotten. I don't think I will ever forget her, and I don't think this pain will stop until a long extent of time. It's funny how we all still think we're invincible, I think it's time to get rid our teenage thinking and realize we've been slapped with adulthood. Slapped and slapped again. My childhood buddy has left me, left each and every one of us. What could possibly pain her to the extent that she no longer had the strength to go on? I wish I knew, I wish I could've at least said goodbye. I wish I could've one last hug. Hopefully I'll see you in heaven one day Christina, but until then know that I will never forget you, and that the pain will never stop because I love you so much.

Copyright 2000