Mama
10/14/23 - 09/13/04

THE FUNERAL

The family visit was to start at 10, but we didn't get in till nearly 11--because her husband was 45 minutes late for the one-hour family viewing/prayer--can you believe this?! I could not force myself in there, so I just sat outside till I could get my legs to move. It was hard to finally go in there, and when I saw mama from afar, I nearly fell, but she was beautiful. I ended up grabbing my brother, and we held each other tight while the Monsignor performed his service. I don't remember sitting down much that day at all--I saw dozens of friends and family I had not seen in forever--of course, we all wonder why is it that we only see each other at funerals?! Sad but true! I was totally overwhelmed by the mass of food, flowers, and plants that arrived. We had a rosary that night, and right before, I had someone else read the eulogy I wrote for my mama (as I just could not read it myself), which is as follows:

First of all, I'd like to read a poem I have always held in high treasure with regard to my mom, and then I would like to say a few words about my mom and to my mom:

A FLOWER OF LOVE

Someone might receive a bouquet of lovely flowers to brighten one's day. I received one beautiful flower to brighten my life. My flower was given to me early in life. As I grew, she stood beside me. My flower was always with me. When I learned to walk, she walked along with me. Even when I would fall, her petals were ready to lift me. My flower helped me to make the right choices. My flower showed me the Christian path she tread for me to follow along. When I would cause my flower to wilt, She always was filled with a scent of forgiveness. When I was weak, my flower always kept her petals open with a strong stem to lean on. My flower has always been and will be forever a living part of me, because I came from her petals and she stays in my heart. My mother was truly a flower of love!!!

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There are really no words to describe how great and special my mom was, but I'll try. My parents were married in August 1941. My mom was unable to have children biologically; however, she started off her family by helping raise a first cousin of mine on my dad's side, Betty, and my mom always had a house full of nieces and nephews who always wanted to spend time with their "Nanny", cause she was just so special. Through an open-type adoption, mom and dad adopted a two-day-old baby girl in January 1952--I can only imagine how thrilled they were. Tragically, my older sister died 10 months later, and my parents were devastated. She lived on in their hearts and souls, however, and was always part of their family. My parents never gave up hope to have another baby, though. In November 1956, they were able to adopt another baby, a three-month-old girl (that would be me), and then in October 1959, they adopted another child, a six-month-old boy, my dear brother. Giving birth does not always make one a mother, and it takes a very special person to open her heart, as my mom did, and adopt children. My wonderful Aunt Jean told me when I was only 10, "You are special cause your mom and dad chose you." While that is true and has been held in highest esteem all these years, I truly think it was mom and dad who were truly the special ones! Mom was always here for us, provided for us around the clock, never complaining when we were sick, stayed up with us through the night (often times sleeping with us when we were scared or sick, all the while holding us tight to comfort us), and never, ever asked anything for herself. After we grew up, along came the grandkids, and mom was always right there helping out, often times helping raise them, too. One thing is for certain, mom loved all of us unconditionally. We are here now to say goodbye to my dear mother in body, but as sad as I am, I am so grateful to have had her for 48 years, and I feel like the luckiest person in the world having been given to her. Mom, do you remember when you moved to Missouri and told me that the distance between us would help me not hurt so much when your time came (meaning it would loosen our bond some)....well, it didn't work! Mom, you will live on forever in my heart and soul, and I will always love you. Go rest high on that mountain now, Mom.

Then, the song "Go Rest High On That Mountain" played.

The morning of the funeral was really hard and painful. I stayed by mama most of the time and had an extremely long, long talk with her off and on. My first talk was about the "dream" and how I was so sorry her cry for help came too late and I couldn't do anything to help her and that I had to let her go...if only she had called to me before it was too late :-( I felt mama's spirit telling me it was okay, and I did feel a sense of peace after that. We also talked about how she was worried about me, but I told her I would be "okay," only cause I had to. I hated to lie to my poor mama, but I had to.....I think she knew it, too. I will never be "okay" again :-(

Burying mama was the hardest thing I've ever had to do thus far, and it's a cross that is hard to carry, but......as far as funerals go, it was the most beautiful, loving, and touching I've ever witnessed, simply *perfect* for lack of a better word. I've never seen a service such as Msgr. Dubois gave. He knew mama well and adored her (everyone who knew her even for a small time loved her). His service was beyond touching and will forever live in my heart and soul. The procession to and fro was also beyond touching with people stopping and some even getting out of their vehicles to pay respect (including a trucker we saw standing outside of his rig), people shopping at stores who stopped in parking lots, people in their yards who put their hands over their hearts, and people walking who stopped alongside the road. I've never seen that before, either. It was just surreal!

We walked into church, and "Amazing Grace" was the first hymn. My knees buckled. Monsignor called us up one by one to clothe mama for the last time, and I couldn't move. My knees were gone for a few tries till I finally got them back. That was extremely touching, though, and something I had never seen before. We covered the "eternal bed" with a beautiful cloth and laid our hands over it. I don't remember every detail of the service step by step (it's all in pieces in my head), but it was beyond beautiful and touching. Monsignor talked about mama so lovingly and talked to us. The service ended with "How Great Thou Art." Then, we took the long drive back to this city for the graveside services....I don't remember much about that at all, except watching my son and my nephew (the only grandsons) carry their mawmaw to her eternal resting place and thinking how I was so proud of them and how they became men that day. I also remember a little hand touching me at one point after the service, and I look up to see my own grandson handing me a red rose. Oh God! It blew my mind!

Many of us went back to the funeral home afterwards (mom's "husband" went to Burger King across the street--how disrespectful was that?!) and then went our separate ways. It has only been a few days now, and I'm still feeling so lost and empty. My brother and I are always on the phone spending many hours talking/crying/reminiscing and even sharing a hysterical giggle. I'm grieving beyond grieving, not eating, losing weight, and really not functioning right now, but I know my mama is back with all the loved ones she lost before her...my sister, my daddy, her parents, her in-laws, and close friends, but I'm selfish....I want my mama back :-(

I went to the cemetery again today (9/24/04) and brought silk flower arrangements for mama and daddy. Mama's grave is so pitiful right now with no paint and no headstone...it's still so unbelievable for me :-(

I'm working on a memory book of mama's life, going through pictures and finding all the ones of her from years before my time through the present.

I found two verses today that will burn in me forever:

No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why!

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again!

More photos of my mama can be found throughout my site, including: vincent.htm, lavergne.htm, and treasures.htm.

Here's a recent photo of mom's eternal resting place:

October 20, 2005:  Diary to My Mom -- something I created and put aside, forgetting all about it until now.