HUMOR Digest - 12 Dec 1996 - Special issue
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 08:54:47 GMT
From: Jim Moore Jr
Subject: Should Women Carry Guns
The Armed Woman's Attitude Test
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a proper perspective. Please circle A, B, or C in answer to each below:
* What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says:
"The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
A. Obviously a plot by seditious
gun fanatics from the NRA.
B. I'm amazed the pigs have no
law banning women's T-Shirts.
C. A 9mm for "light days"
and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
* For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
A. All you'll ever need.
B. Like I'd use yet another
phallic symbol.
C. The signal to open Fire.
* The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
A. An insidious plot to stamp
out femininity & glorify violence.
B. A male ploy to encourage
further suppression of women.
C. A training film.
* What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where
the
two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
A. Tacky, tasteless, and
altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;
let alone
taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
B. Only thing I saw wrong
was that it took two sisters to disarm
only one man;
not realistic at all.
C. The dummies left a perfectly
good shotgun clamped
to the dashboards
of the cruiser.
* A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
A. Climb onto a high
stool and scream for a man to help you.
B. Is it a male mouse or a
female mouse ?
C. Link up the belt feed
to the M-60.
* You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph,
who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You
reply:
A. Never! A woman who buys
a gun has humiliatingly
surrendered
to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
B. Yeah, like I'm gonna stand there
and let old fat gut Ralph
leer and drool
like he usually does. Men are such pigs !
C. Only to plant in the dead
hand of the next little weasel !
stupid enough
to give me whimpy advice like that !
* What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ?
A. Obscene ! The icon
of death with the symbol of nurturing.
B. What's a bra ?
C. As long as it doesn't get
in the way of my shoulder sling.
* Define "male"
A. The first syllable of
"malevolence," which in turn is only
one letter
short of "male violence."
B. An animal with a one track
mind. A brute who feels the need
to try
to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
C. A quaint anachronism, once useful
for protection of females,
but rendered
obsolete by contemporary firepower.
* Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace,
Pepper Spray or CapStun belong ?
A. Nowhere ! If you just
show your attacker compassion and
understanding,
you won't need nasty things like that.
B. More products of questionable
effect manufactured by the male
dominated
industrial complex to make women feel secure.
C. In the medicine cabinet;
real women use mace -- not Feminique.
* You are cornered at home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores
your command
to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots
should you fire ?
A. None. It would be better to die
or submit than sacrifice moral
victory by using
deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
B. As many as I had, assuming
the male dominated firearms industry
would sell me a gun;
let alone ammunition in the first place.
C. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey,
how often do you get a chance to
express yourself,
and get in touch with your feelings ?
Grading the Exam
If 8 or more of your answers were "A":
it shows you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the
earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with
it, hear ?
If 8 or more of your answers were "B":
Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7%
of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us guys now. What more
do you want outta us ?
If 8 or more of your answers were "C":
Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood
will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".
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