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HUMOR Digest - 12 Dec 1996 to 13 Dec 1996
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 18:27:42 GMT
From: Jim Moore Jr
Subject: Health Club Journal
For Christmas last year my wife gave me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity Internet Web team in college, I decided it was a good idea to try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. I thought y'all might enjoy my journal:
Day 1:
Started the morning at 5:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived
at the health club, Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess,
with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed
that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit
of hers added about 30-50 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya
was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching
a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is
going to be GREAT.
Day 2:
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had
me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she
put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made it the full 17 miles. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles
feel GREAT.
Day 3:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed
numerous hernias. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. Tanya
was a little impatient with me & said my screaming was bothering the
other members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair machine. Why
would anyone invent something to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me
live longer. She's a sadist.
Day 4:
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. Gee, I can't
help it if I was an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. She
wanted me to lift dumbbells -- not a chance, slut. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until that dyke sent Lars
in after me. As punishment, she put me on the rowing machine. It sank. I
flagged down an ambulance for a ride home.
Day 5:
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being
in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body able to move,
I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well I had news for Tanya -- I don't have triceps. And if you don't
want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. That girl and her steel
bra, hates all men. The treadmill flung me back into the wall. I had to call
a neighbor to come get me. He took me home on a stretcher in the back of
his pick-up truck.
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I called
in sick at work; 3rd day in a row. I've requested an unlisted telephone number
from the phone company.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will
give me something a little more fun, like free root canals at the dentist's.
I'm sitting here relaxing, barely able to move. Can't even work the TV remote.
Well, 6 hours of a "Pledge Drive" on the Public Broadcasting System can't
be all that bad.
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