HUMOR Digest - 15 Dec 1996 to 16 Dec 1996

Date: Sun, 15 Dec 1996 08:19:47 GMT
From: Jim Moore Jr
Subject: Football

USA FOOTBALL MANIA

As in many homes throughout the US on Thanksgiving, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important -- the football games on TV, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the Family Room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold beer for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See ?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

Suffering from a severe ulcer flare-up, the pro football coach went to his regular doctor of many years. The doctor offered both a prescription and some advice. "Now listen Jimmy," he said "I realize it's the middle of the season and all, but you've simply got to stop living entirely for football, at least when you're off the field. Get a hobby, exercise, travel, do whatever it takes to relax, or this will never heal."

The coach granted that would be very difficult at best, but that he would try.

"Oh yeah, one more thing before you go," said the doctor. "What in the hell were you thinking last Sunday when it was fourth down and only inches on the two yard line and you went for the damn field goal instead of trying to score ?"

Conducting a press conference, the super-star quarterback announced that he was retiring at the end of the season. Naturally, the press went into a frenzy, and there were many shouted requests of "Why ???"

The fading star said, "Oh I don't know. I looked in the mirror the other day at my nose which has been broken several times; I took several aspirin for my headaches due to the concussions & then looked down at my knees bent and scared from 4 operations and I just decided there must be a better way to meet some more congenial people more my own age."

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