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HUMOR Digest - 27 Dec 1996 to 28 Dec 1996
Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1996 07:52:39 GMT
From: Jim Moore Jr
Subject: New Products
Products We Probably don't need:
Electric Shocking Pager
Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful reminders strapped
to their bodies. This unbreakable device will deliver a painful electric
shock to notify them of all pending appointments and approaching deadlines.
Not legal for use on livestock.
Shrieking Sonic Mind Mangler
Put on this sleek "virtual reality" helmet and you're guaranteed to clear
your mind in under a minute! Blinding strobe lights and screeching stereophonic
sirens will overwhelm your senses in a cacophony of stimuli. Requires ten
D batteries, not included.
Stress Enhancement Tapes
Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with sounds of ocean waves &
forest breezes; pop in these jarring cassettes and keep your edge ! Feel
your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley cars, multi vehicle highway
accidents, and low-flying jets assaults your ears on the Urban Rhythms tape.
Thrill to the sounds of screeching howler monkeys defending their territory
on Shrieks of Nature! Forty-seven tapes in all. Hurry ! Supplies are limited.
The Enchanted Chalkboard
Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical Chalkboard,
as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite tunes on this four
album collection. Every hair on your body will stand on end during his half-hour
scraped rendition of Moon River. Be moved to tears by his masterful two-handed
interpretation of Chariots of Fire. Perfect for the office !
FlossTracker
How many times has this happened to you: you just gorged yourself on roast
beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're now out of dental floss
! Well, you'll never be without floss again with FlossTracker, the advanced
software solution from FlossWare. Record your hourly flossing activity in
the Spreadsheet Module to generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your
floss consumption, complete with three-dimensional distribution plots and
histograms. FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss inventory,
projecting your floss needs for the coming weeks and automatically ordering
additional floss as necessary from the nearest FlossWare Regional Distribution
Center.
FlossTracker requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of storage space,
an atomic clock, a Romulan cloaking device, and Windows 95.
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