HUMOR Digest - 11 Jan 1997 to 12 Jan 1997

Date: Sat, 11 Jan 1997 02:27:23 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr
Subject: Snow Skiing (1 of 2)

It's winter ! Time to go skiing !
          Part 1 of 2

Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however; the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
     1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
     2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your
         skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
     3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then,
         holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves:
Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity:
One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

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