HUMOR Digest - 16 Feb 1997 to 17 Feb 1997

Date: Sun, 16 Feb 1997 04:44:12 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr
Subject: Files, Sex & Taxes

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world" there.

Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing.

Completing her first group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and said "May I have one of those ?"

The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What, one of those bastards ?"

Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed.

The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"

Panicked by a letter from the IRS that he's gonna be audited, a man calls his accountant. The accountant tells him not to worry that he has all the necessary bills, receipts and records. But suggested just to be on the safe side that the man dress shabbily, so that the auditor will think him poor and go easy on him.

Not convinced, the man calls his lawyer next and explains that he's to be audited and what the accountant told him. The lawyer said that he disagreed; the man should dress nice, so that the auditor will see he's a respectable person.

More confused and worried than ever, the man calls his minister and tells the story a third time, as well as the advice he's been given. The Minister sez, "I have the same problems with marriages. The Mother of the bride wants her to dress like an old fashioned girl. Naturally, the groom wants her to wear something provocative.

I'll tell you the same thing I tell the bride. It doesn't matter much what ya wear, or don't wear -- you're gonna get screwed good."

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