THE JOKES EVERYONE ELSE IS TOO WUSS TO
PUBLISH!
Three guys were traveling, when their car broke down at one in the morning, out in the middle of nowhere. Luckily they broke down not far from an old farmhouse. They seen the TV was still on, so they walked up to the door and knocked. An old farmer guy answered, and the guys explained their predicament that they broke down and needed a place to crash, and will be gone in the morning when they could call a garage and tow truck. The farmer said "OK, but I have only one spare bed, but it will fit three, maybe a little cozy, but again three will fit. Don't want nobody to sleep on the floor, you know it's winter, and the floor's mighty cold". The three men were real tired, and they said "screw it", they can put up with the three of them in one bed for one night. One on each side, and the last guy in the middle of course. The next morning the guy on the left and on the right woke up at the same time while the guy in the middle was still sleeping. The guy on the left told the guy on the right "You know, I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed someone was jacking me off". They guy on the right said, "That's funny, I had the same dream too". Just then the guy in the middle was waking up and said "Well don't look at me, I was dreaming I was skiing", (while making hand motions like he was grabbing ski poles).
Q. What do you get when you cross a Polack and a
Mongoloid with one leg?
A. Polaroid One-Step! (I'm a Polack so I can do
this!)
Q. What is better than four roses on my piano?
A. Tu-Lips on my organ!
Q. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A. Toys for Twats!
Q. What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
A. Beef Strokenoff!
Q. Why does an elephant have four feet?
A. Because eight inches isn't enough!
Q. What do you call two gay guys named Bob?
A. Oral Roberts!
Q. What's the difference between Lawrence Welk and a water
buffalo?
A. A water buffalo has a horn up front and an asshole in
back!
Q. How do you get three Polacks off a couch?
A. Jack one off and the other two come!
Q. What's red and has seven little dents?
A. Snow White's cherry!
Q. What do soybeans and dildoes have in common?
A. Both are meat substitutes!
Q. What's the difference between meat and fish?
A. If you beat your fish it would die!
Q. What do you call a cow with an abortion?
A. Decalfinated!
Q. Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A. Because their peckers are on their face!
Q. What do you call a pimple on a Polack's ass?
A. A brain tumor!
Q. Have you heard of the new Toxic Shock rock group?
A. They only play ragtime!
Q. How does a French woman hold her liquor?
A. By the ears!
Q. What do you call a hundred morons sitting around
drinking
Tab, eating apples, and singing?
A. The Moron Tab and Apple Choir!
Q. What has a thousand teeth and eats wieners?
A. A zipper!
Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway!
Q. Why aren't there any blind parachutists?
A. Because it scares the crap out of the dog!
Q. What do you call a woman with only one leg?
A. Eileen!
Q. What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A. Getting her out of the wheelchair!
Q. What's gray and comes in quarts?
A. An elephant!
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. A Lickalottapus!
A. Barney!
Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter!
Q. How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A. Blow in her ear!
Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear!
Q. What do you say of a blonde who dyes her hair
brunette?
A. She has artificial intelligence!
!. Two blondes were agueing about what kind of animal made
the tracks they were standing on. One said it's a deer,
the other said it's horse tracks. The two blondes were
still aguing when the train hit them!
!. Mating call of the blonde: "I think I'm drunk!"
!. Mating call of the brunette: "Is that dumb blonde still
here?"
AD: Raid Roach Control kills roaches around the clock!
Well if you keep your clock under the kitchen sink
...!
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were discussing on how
they divide up the collection money from their services.
The priest says "I draw a square inside of a square and
toss the money in. What lands in the outer square is ours.
What lands in the inner square is God's". The minister said
"I do it almost the same way. I draw circles instead of
squares, what lands in the outer circle is ours, God gets
what lands in the inner circle". The rabbi then explains
"Mine is very similar, too. I throw the offering up in the
air, and whatever God grabs is his"!
A skunk, a deer and a giraffe walk into a bar and sit down
and order drinks. The bartender goes "OK, that's seven
dollars, who is going to pay for all of this?" The skunk
says "I have a scent, but that's not enough". The deer
replies "I had a buck on me last week, but I won't have any
doe until spring". So the giraffe says "I guess the high-balls are on me!"
Three Polacks are in an alley, shooting up, using the same
needle. A stranger walking by happens to see this and yells "Hey, you retards, didn't you ever hear of aids"? One of the
Polacks replies "not to worry, we're all wearing
condoms!"
Q. There's an Englishman in the living room, a Frenchman in
the kitchen, and a German in the bedroom. If you are in the
bathroom, what does that make you?
A. European!
An 85 year old lady walks into a porno store. She is
shaking violently. She walks up to the counter, "Excuse me
sonny, do you have a vibrator about this long, and looks
like (she describes it)?" The clerk says "Yes, mam, we sure
do". Granny (shaking) "Well sonny, I got that one here last
week, I just want to know one thing, can you tell me how to
shut the damn thing off?"
What NOT to call your
dog!
everyone who has a dog calls him rover, or spot, or boy. i
call mine "sex"! now sex has been very embarassing to me.
when i went to city hall to renew his dog license, i told
the clerk "i would like to have a license for sex". he said
"i'd like to have one, too". then i said "but this is a
dog". he said he didn't care what she looked like. then i
said "you don't understand, i've had sex since i was nine
years old". he said "you must have been quite a
kid".
when i got married and went on our honeymoon, i took the
dog with me. i told the hotel clerk "i want a room for my
wife and me, and a special room for sex". he said "every
room in the place is for sex". i said "you don't
understand, sex keeps me awake at night". the clerk said
"me, too".
one day i entered sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away. another contestant
asked me "why are you just standing there, looking around"?
i told him "i planned to have sex in the contest". he told
me that I should have sold tickets. "but you don't
understand", i said, "i had hoped to have sex on tv". he
called me a show-off.
when my wife and i seperated, we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. i said "your honor, i had sex before i
was married". the judge said "me too".
last night sex ran off again. i spent hours looking around
town for him. a cop came over and asked me "what are you
doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning"? i said
"i'm looking for sex". my case comes up two weeks from
friday! can anyone lend me $500 for bail?
MORE JOKES!
Would you like a cocktail sir? I think I will pass on the
cock, but I will most definately take the tail!
Q. What does it say on the bottom of a Coke bottle in
Poland?
A. Open other end!
Hear about the Polack who had trouble picking up chicks?
The Polack sees this stud with five chicks and asks him how
it's done. The stud told the Polack to put a potato inside
his pants. The Polack tried this, but everyone avoided him.
The Polack ran into the stud again and said "the potato
isn't working". The stud told the Polack "well no wonder,
you're supposed to put the potato in
front"!
Q. Why is a fire engine red?
A. If you had your hose stretched that far, you'd be red
too!
Q. Why does the ocean roar?
A. If you had that many crabs on your bottom, you'd roar
too!
Uranus - the funny planet! Well, how do you
pronounce it? Is it your anus or is it
urine us?!
Do you use Murine eye drops? Could it be the
urine in murine that makes it
so effective?
Almost everyone that I know tells me that I should be
behind
bars! Don't these morons that think they know me so well
remember how many bartending jobs I've been fired
from?
Q. What does a man with a twelve inch penis eat for
breakfast?
A. Well every morning when I get up I have bacon and eggs
and ...
When the temperature is below zero, what do you call it? Do
you say it's ten below, or do you say it's minus ten? I'll
opt for the ten below. Remember that joke when you were a
kid about the coldest part of a guy's body being his balls,
because they're two below? Well I gotta tell you, I'd
rather have two below than minus two any time!
They banned this Polack from borrowing any more Playboys at
the local library. The last one he returned needed the
centerfold to be pried apart with pliers. The library gave
the Polack a stiff fine for having a fine stiff!
You know you're a redneck when, while having sex, your 12
year old daughter yells "Get off me Daddy, you're crushing
my cigarettes!"
You know you're a redneck when your son calls out your
wife's name while having sex and your daughter gets
pissed!
You know you're a redneck if you go to your family reunion
just to pick up chicks!
Two buddies, Jim and Joe, were always getting into fights
with each other. Jim kicks Joe's ass, and Joe wakes up a
day later, "Jeez, Jim, what was that?", Jim replies,
"that's called Karate, it comes from China.". A couple of
days
later, Jim kicks Joe's ass again, putting Joe out for two
days this time. Joe asked "what was it this time, that
really hurt!" and Jim
replies "That's called Judo, it comes from Japan". At
this
point Joe is getting tired of all this abuse, and returns
the "favor". Jim was out for two weeks, "Hey Joe, what the
hell was that, that was really nasty". Joe replies "that's
called Crowbar, it comes from Sears and
Roebucks"!
Q. What's the difference between a vitamin and a
hormone?
A. I don't know how to make a vitamin, but I sure made this
hor-mone last night!
This couple keeps this old jalopy from the '20's in their
garage. It was a nice day, so the guy fires it up and yells
into the house "Hon, it's a nice day. How 'bout a romantic
stroll in the ol' car?" They're out an an isolated road,
and he starts feeling a bit horny. They pull off the road
and they go to "do it". He has a hard time getting it in
and says "Hon, why are you always so damn tight, I can't
even get it in". He feels around on the floor of the car,
and grabs a can, "I found the WD-40, Hon, you know this
always helps". The resulting initial slickness from the
spray can helped and they carried out their "mission". When
they were done, he tries to pull out and can't. He tries
and tries again, and they're really stuck together. They
are both confounded, so he grabs the can again and gets
ready to give it another shot, to hopefully loosen up, but
sees the label this time. "Guess what Hon? I threw the
wrong can in the jalopy this time. I threw in the Spoke
Tightener by mistake"!
(Imagine Jack Nicholson telling this one):
There's this little boy sitting on the curb, squashing red
ants with a hammer. "God damn red ants!" [Bang!], mutters
the boy, "God damn red ants!" [Squash!] A priest walking by
happens to see and hear this and says "Hey, little boy, God
gave everything in this beautiful world of ours a purpose,
even those red ants you're squashing. I will walk by the
same time tomorrow, and I want you to tell me two things in
this world that don't have a purpose". The next day the kid
is on the curb again smashing red ants, "God damn red
ants!" [Bang!] "God damn red ants!" [Squash!] The priest,
true to his word, walks up to the kid, "Hey, kid, have
you thought of two things in this world that don't have a
purpose"? The boy says "Well Father, I actually did one
better and thought of three: Tits on a nun, balls on a
priest, and these God damn red ants"!
So sorry to inform you that more jokes will be
coming soon, and HERE THEY ARE!
(Well better the jokes coming than
you
coming!)
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