FLY ME TIL YOU MOON
incident number 1
Hello
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
‘Your Favorite Airline, Ken speaking. How may I service your call?’
[I want to go from here, 12, 11 early morning ,non-stop for 3 days on
your least expensive fare with a first class upgrade. How much is that going
to cost? .]..This is all blurted out from a man with a gruff voice and a
whistle on all words that end in s.....
-Now I have to decipher this information that was spewed at me like pea
soup from a demon spin it’s head like a lawn sprinkler-
‘I’ll be more than happy to find you the least expensive fare
( I never use the word cheap) However I need to ask you a few questions
to determine your needs’
[Like what? I gave you all the information you need....]..( in the background
he sighs for my benefit and mumbles to his friend, real or imaginary the
word moron.)
‘Well sir, I need to know which city your flying from’
[I already told you, I’m leaving from here. What is wrong with you?]
‘Sir, there is nothing wrong with me. I don’t know where you are calling
from. This 888 number you called is used all over the US and Canada,
I would be guessing at best . Could you please tell me which city you
would like to leave from?’
[Abs(whistle)oltville!!!!]
‘Unfortunately we don’t fly from that particular city. Is there another
destination you could depart from?’
[You know your airline is the wors(whistle)t, you don’t fly from
Abs(whistle)oltville. Where in the hell is the closest place you
fly from? Huh .. answer me that.........]
LONG PAUSE.......................................’
What would be the closest major city to you sir ?’
[You don’t know ? ATLANTA or O’HARE!!!
( more mumbling to his friend for my benefit)
Pick a city for me.]
‘Atlanta, where would you be going?’
I’m thinking this guy could go straight to hell.
[Do they actually pay you to do this kinda work? California]
(again more mumbling, this time I here water... tinkling water.)
‘Which city in California?’ I hear the toilet being flushed.
[WHAT? SPEAK UP, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. ]
‘Which city are you flying to in California?’
[You must be one of the kids that rode in the short bus to school
and your airline must get a tax break or something. Is that it?]
‘Oh sir, you are so perceptive. Your family must be proud of you.’
[What?]
‘Did you want to fly into San Diego, San Francisco, San Clemente?’
[mmmmmmmpphhh.........LAS VEGAS....that’s where I want to go
L....A....S..........VEGAS!!!!!!!!! GOT THAT?]
‘Sir , Las Vegas isn’t in California.’
[Oh yea, where is it then , TODD]
‘Nevada’
[ Are we even talking the same place Todd?... You know the place where
you gamble. See showgirls, Wayne Newton? You know who Wayne
Newton is Todd? That’s the place where I want to go.]
‘Yes sir. The gambling is regulated by the Nevada Gambling commission.
They were insistent that Las Vegas be in Nevada’ I was wondering why
he kept calling me Todd.
[Are you sure Todd?]
‘Yes sir . It’s the city where you can get married at a drive thru
by Elvis ‘
[I guess you’re right Todd. But it really isn’t Elvis. He died a few years
ago.]
‘Thank you for clearing that up for me’ What a pain this guy was becoming.
‘Atlanta to Las Vegas, which day did you want to fly out?’
[I already told you, do know how Elvis died? He died a hero, Todd.
A true American hero. Like John Wayne.A hero Todd A hero!!]
‘ I thought he died eating a hero, I still need to know which date you want
to fly to Las Vegas’
[Eating a hero? What the hell are you talking about? He wasn’t no faggot.
He was off trying to win the war for us when we invaded Iran. Don’t you
ever bad mouth the King or the Duke. Those are fighting words.]
‘I never said he or the Duke was gay. A hero is a sandwich. It was a small
attempt at some humor. Apparently you did not appreciate it. Fine. No more
jokes. Let’s get down to business. We need to get you to Las Vegas. I need
some more information . What day are you going.?’
[Do you have a manager I can talk to Re ?]
‘Yes , but before you talk to him... we need to set up you’re reservation.’
Now he’s calling me Re? What is with this guy?
[Are they going to give me some sort of refund?]
‘I couldn’t say sir. We don’t even have the date for when your leaving.’
[May 5...cinko de mayo naisse]
‘ I have a direct flight departing at 7am and a connection flight at 11 am and
1pm. Which one would you prefer?’ I shoulda said we only had 1 flight and not
give him a choice.
[I’ll take the non-stop at 1 PM]
I didn’t want to tell him it was a connection flight, but the call could be
monitored and I was obligated to tell him. ‘Sir, the 1 pm is a connection flight’
[I want a non stop Re. A non stop flight. I don’t want to change planes]
More mumbling to his friend about my ass in a sling and being fired.
‘The flight a 7 am is a d irect flight. You don’t change planes.
I’ll put you down for that...’ I didn’t tell him it makes a stop in
Newark first. ‘ What day would you be coming back, sir?’
‘No sir. We have only one direct flight at 11:18 pm....
I have the computer figuring out the cost now.’ I can’t believe it .
..178.50 round trip coach.
I'll check to see how much for 1st class.
‘ 1,368 dollars for 1st class sir’
[ Ok.. here’s my Frequent Flyer number 12a67 43 6zud.
Just charge it to the credit card listed in my account.
Where do I get my tickets?]
‘Right at the airport sir, let me give you a reservation number. I8U4Q2’
[Thanks a lot, Re...................................................Todd]
‘Thanks for purchasing at your favorite airline”
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