Beethoven's Grave
After Ludwig Beethoven had died, a loyal friend went to Beethoven's grave to pay his respects. As he neared the grave, a strange sound became audible to his ears: one long note followed by three short ones. As he drew nearer to the grave, the sound became louder and was obviously permeating from the tomb. Beethoven's friend became quite frazzled by this and ran out of the graveyard and back into town to tell the townsfolk.Beethoven's friend gathered together a small group of Beethoven's admirers and critics to return to the grave site to listen to the strange sound. As the group began to approach the grave site, the eerie sound again became audible and grew louder as they approached Beethoven's grave: one long note followed by three short notes. The small group became quite frightened and huddled against each other prepared to see the ghost of Beethoven rise in wrath from the grave.
Then, one of the members of the group, a renowned music critic and an avid follower of
Beethoven's compositions, gasped and said, "It's okay. I know what that sound is. It's . . . .
. . . . the beginning of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony backwards. Beethoven is First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and
reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils and long articulations and discard. Remove the
hearing-aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Clean the Conductor as you would squid, but
do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a
Major Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the
Conductor on a rock with tympani mallets or by smashing the Conductor repeatedly between two
large cymbals. Examine your Conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you
have such a Conductor, then you will have to discard it and catch another.
Next, pour half of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at
least 12 hours. (Exceptions: Conductors from France. American and German conductors often
have a beery taste which some people like, the wine might interfere with this. Use your
judgement.) When the conductor is sufficiently soaked, remove any clothes the Conductor may be
wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover with Crisco, using vague, slow, circular
motions, and taking care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this
looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.
Then find an orchestra. Put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure there are lots and lots of really loud passages for everyone. Big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. Rehearse these passages several times, making sure the brass and winds always play as loudly as they can, and the strings are always tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should insure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every possible repeat, especially the second repeats in really big symphonies! Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked just like a repeat" to you, and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind, they are used to it) until it's well tanned and the hair turns back to its
natural color. Be careful not to overcook or the Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and puree-ing until smooth. If the ego is bitter sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any other turkey, and serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the
remaining wine.
Once upon a time, there was a journalist who traveled to Africa. He'd never been to Africa before and he was excited and just a little bit scared of what may await him upon his visit to the Dark Continent of Mystery and Wonder.
Sure enough, as soon as he stepped out of the plane, he heard this incredible, mystical sound of drums.
Drums!
DRUMS!
DRUMS!!!
"Oh man!" he thought. "I'm not in Kansas anymore Toto!" The sound of the drums permeated the air and filled his entire being with anticipation. Of what, he did not know.
As he was going through Customs, he could still hear the sound of the drums! He asked the Customs Officer, "Excuse me Sir. What is the meaning of the drums?"
The Customs officer replied, "Ahhhh... The Drums!!! As long as the drums keep playing it is good. But when they stop, it is The journalist was stunned by this pronouncement and proceeded on through the airport to a waiting cab. When they were half-way across town the sound of the drums was every bit as strong as when he first stepped off of the airplane. The journalist then asked the cab driver what was the meaning of the drums.
The cab driver replied, "Ahhhh... The Drums!!! As long as the drums keep playing it is good.
But when they stop, it is Finally they finally arrived at the hotel, clear on the other side of town. The journalist was checked into his room, with all the doors and windows shut, and he could still hear the drums! He
said to himself, "I know where to find the anwser to this mystery!", and headed directly to the hotel lounge.
The journalist replied, "Yeah. I know that already. What I'm paying you the $20.00 for is to know what it is that is so bad when the drums stop playing!"
The barkeep looked to the left. The barkeep looked to the right. He then leaned over with fear and dread on his face, and whispered into the journalists ear, "Bass solo..."
I'm sure you're familiar with Frederico Fellini, the great Italian film maker. When he died, he had been working on a film that had endless problems. The leading man was a classic prima
donna. The leading lady had no end to her allergies. The film was over budget and behind schedule. The monied backers were constantly ringing Fellini's phone. It was horrible. It was
stressful. And it gave Fellini a heart attack which killed him. True!
So Fellini's walking up the cloud there, approaching the pearly gates, when Saint Peter sees him and comes rushing out with great joy! "Fellini!! It's great to see you!"
Fellini says to himself, "Huh? What's so great about it? I just died!"
Saint Peter grabs Fellini`s hand and pumps it furiously. "Fellini! You're just in time! We're about to start making a movie here in Heaven and we want YOU to direct it!"
Fellini replied, "Me??? Make a movie in Heaven? I don't believe it!"
"It's true!" replied Saint Peter. "We've got all the greatest guys in heaven to work on this film and now that YOU'RE here, we now have the director we need!"
Fellini looks down at his feet. "Gee, I dunno..."
Saint Peter looked perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Fellini replied, "You see. I've been making movies all my life. The last one KILLED me! I'm exhausted! I really need a vacation. Can't you come see me in a couple hundred years?"
Saint Peter was shocked. "But Fellini, you don't understand. *ALL* the greatest guys in Heaven are working this one! We've got a new script by Shakespeare!"
"Shakespeare?!?!?" replied Fellini incredulously. "A new work by Shakespeare? Oh I don't know..."
"But that's not all, Fellini. we got Tchaikovsky to do the score!" announced Saint Peter.
Fellini looked at Saint Peter and said, "This is quite an honor, and I'd LOVE to do it but I'm too tired! Really I am! Can't you get Cecil B. DeMille?"
Saint Peter replied, "Fellini, he's a HACK!!! We've gotta have YOU! Did I tell you we got DaVinci to do the sets?"
Fellini was stunned. "DaVinci? DaVinci?!?!? I've ***ALWAYS*** wanted to work with DaVinci!!!! And Tchaikovsky!!! And Shake.... Okay, okay, okay... I'll do it!"
Saint Peter was overjoyed! "At last everything is Perfect! We now have the great Fellini directing the film. This is wonderful!!!"
So they're walking up the cloud there talking about the concept of the film when Saint Peter turns to Fellini, cocks his head and says, "Say Fellini ... Did I tell you that God's girlfriend sings?"
"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and drink a few brews.
After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, Revised 11/28/00
DECOMPOSING.
How to Cook a Conductor
(From Ken Jean)
Ingredients:
One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors.
Ketchup
2 large cloves garlic
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening. (Lard may be used).
1 cask cheap wine.
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt.
As Long As The Drums Keep Playing...
Bad!"
BAD!"
BAD!!!"
Frederico Fellini goes to Heaven!
The Golden Urinal
(From Ellen Ingalla)
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.
Musical Number
(From Ellen Ingalla)
Recently, the Minnesota Orchestra was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.....
Now at this point, you must understand two things:
the score was tied,
and the basses were loaded.
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times since 03/29/98
Jonell Lindholm
Reisterstown, MD
jlindhol@bcpl.net