I began to write poems while I was caring for mom. It proved to be a way of releasing some of the emotion I was feeling yet could not express in any other way. Some of them came from me and express what I was feeling. Others came as if I was seeing through moms eyes and her very spirit whispered her feelings in my ear!  Still others came through the spirit of God! I believe strongly in God , Jesus Christ and the spirit and feel that all gifts come from him....and there are times that he can speak to you directly if we are open and use our ears to listen!  Here you will find poems of frustration, of hope and most of all of LOVE!
 
 

THE FIGHT

She came to us about a year ago.
Already slipping away farther than we could know.
Was I blind not to see
or did I lie to myself and say it couldn't be.

She covered it well for many years
through all of the pain and the many tears
but I was blind and could not see
Who was I fooling....only me

I look into her eyes that were always so blue
but now they are dull and without a clue
The sparkle that once was there is no more
every thought has become a chore.

I prayed to God to make it go away
By my side I would have her stay
but time is painfully wearing me down
the stress of it all..... a constant frown

I thought I could help her and prolong the day
when she no longer could find the words to say
My only goal was to make her happy for her last years
but now I have so many fears.

The day finally came when she knew me not
it hurt so bad that this battle could not be fought
So many emotions all in one day
Please dear God show me the way!

I know that somewhere deep inside
are things that even she can't hide.
She has thoughts and fears I know
Take those fears dear Lord and make them go.

Give her peace and fill her with love
let her know that you are above
and angels are right here by her side
and in their glow she will abide.

Show her, God, that we really care
that our love for her will always be there
she may not be the mom we knew
but she will still be our mom when all is through!

© 1998 Brenda Race

MY PRAYER FOR THE DAY

This is my prayer for the day.
Please Dear Lord just take her away.
To heavens gate where there is no pain
nothing more to lose and everything to gain.

She is like a long lost soul,
ever wandering, she has paid the toll.
If only you would call her home
no longer would she need to roam.

There is no joy left here for her.
Her life has become a living blur.
I know not what she thinks each day,
her words are confused, her thoughts she is unable to say.

Her mind must be full of fear
I look into her eyes and see a tear.
Does she wonder what is wrong?
Unable to say it, the words too far gone.

Does she know what she wants to say?
But the words just tumble out in all the wrong way.
How do we know Lord just what she sees.
Show us and guide us Dear Lord please.

Take her home where she belongs
to hear the music and heavenly songs
No more fear or worries for sure
trying to remember will not be a chore

I will miss her with all of my heart
but dear Lord please, give her a new start
That is my prayer for the day.
Please Dear Lord just take her away.

I want her to go but I want her to stay
confused, my thoughts go every which way
I can't imagine not holding her hand
But if she was with you, wouldn't it be grand

No more pain, only happiness abounds
Heavenly angels, familiar grounds
Hosts of Angels singing of the glory
And she will remember the entire story!

That Dear Lord is my prayer for the day.
So send an Angel to show the way
with wings of light to take her home
No longer will she have to roam

© 1998 Brenda Race
 

WHERE ARE THE CLOWNS?
 

Who Said There Would Be Golden Years?
Mine Seem to Be Filled with Lots of Fears.
Where Are the Clowns?
Please Send in the Clowns.

I've Lost My Shoes, Where Are They?
Someone Will Surely Have to Pay.
I Find Things Tucked in the Weirdest Spots.
Little Things in Little Slots.

The People about Me Say They Don't Know.
Always, Asking Me Where Are You Going to Go?
"Let Me Help You" I'm Not a Child!
They Tend to Treat Me as If I Were Wild.

I Know That Face but I've Lost the Name.
I'll Just Cover it up like I'm Playing a Game!
Where Are the Clowns?
Please Send in the Clowns.

Why Do They Feel I Need to Change?
And Run Water over Me as If I Have the Mange.
Don't They Know it Is Safer this Way.
Just Let Me Wear These Clothes Day after Day!

Why Am I Here. I Really Don't See.
I Don't Know These People Surrounding Me.
Where Is My Home, My Children and Spouse?
And Just Who's Is this Strange House?

They Tell Me I Live Here but I Know it isn't so
I Only Want to Be Able to Go.
Surly this must Be a Bad Dream I Am In.
Tell Me Please If it Will End and Just When.

Send in the Clowns, Please Send Them In.

Surely this Has to Be a Dream
It Wasn't a Part of My Big Scheme
I Need Someone to Tell Me That It's Okay
That Life Will Not Go on this Way

Wake Me up and Tell Me it Isn't So
I Have People to See and Miles to Go
I Know I Am Needed by Someone Somewhere
I Don't Want Them to Think I Really Don't Care.

Please Send in the Clowns

© 1999 Brenda Race

HOPELESSNESS
Does this feeling of hopelessness ever go away.
She is my constant shadow 24 hours a day.
Like a ghost she drifts about without a real place
the look of sadness most always on her face.

I never thought our roles would swap
Tell me.... when this madness will stop.
She once was the mother and now it is I
Please come back...just give it a try

Tucking things is now her game
drifting aimlessly with no real aim.
Constantly looking out the door
waiting, waiting, why, what for?

What does she think about all day long.
Does she ever wonder what is wrong?
How much more of this can we take?
Let it end for everyones sake.

Morning comes and she greets it openly
but can she even with daylight, really see?
Lord give me the patience to tackle another day.
To let her have just a little say.

Forgetting how to dress she dons 4 shirts.
Watching her struggle really hurts.
Should I correct her or let her go?
Please dear Lord just let me know.

Does it really matter where she goes to bed?
As long as she is happy where she rests her head.
Do we strip her of every decision she makes?
Dear Lord just give me what it takes!

The things that once were important are not.
These final days are all we've got.
We must make the most while there is time.
To let them slip by would be a crime.

I danced with her the other day
and the feeling of hopelessness went away.
She laughed and giggled while at the Ball
and I knew then that it was worth it all.

© 1998 Brenda Race

BE GENTLE WITH THOSE IN YOUR CARE

Did you ever wake up feeling confused and out of place?
It's not a feeling that is very nice.
Not knowing where you are or what day it would be.
Struggling with your thoughts...trying to see.

Try to imagine that feeling.....never going away.
Trying to find your place every single day.
Trying so hard to remember why
and the only answer you get is a sigh.

Daylight is here and it's not so bad
but then.......why oh why are you so sad?
No one around you seems to know.
They don't seem to know you have places to go.

If only you could find some face you knew
Just what would you do if this happens to you?
Step into my shoes for only a day
Perhaps you will know why I run away.

What would you do if you could no longer tie your shoe
And when it's time to dress you don't know what to do
What if you didn't know when or how to shower
A task so great that perhaps you too would cower.

If I strike out and seem to be mean
Perhaps it is over things that can't be seen
Step into my shoes for only a day
Maybe then you will see why I act this way.

So please remember as you care for me today
To treat me with kindness and love in every way
Be patient and tender as you guide me along my way
Step into my shoes for only a day.

© 1999 Brenda Race

I THINK

I think I once was a mother
I may have even had a brother
I don't remember much anymore
My very thoughts have become a chore.

I don't know where I am right now
I just ended up here, I don't know how
The people here seem very kind
But I can't place their faces in my mind

I think I have a family somewhere
but I don't understand why I am here and they are there
Wherever they may be
why oh why can't I see.

I seem to have lost my shoes somewhere
but no one seems to really care
Nothing seems to be where it goes
I even have trouble finding my clothes.

Everyone shuffles around all day
very few have much to say
some are sitting in their chairs
Some seem to be roaming in pairs

I'm not staying, of that I am sure
but I guess I'll rest just a little more
I know they will return for me
and then again I will be free.

(c) 1999 Brenda Race

CAN YOU SEE IT?

Oh God, what has happened to me?
I once gave my love ever so free
something I do not understand has overcome me
and all those around me do not seem to see

I want to say HEAR ME but the words are not clear
I feel my mouth moving, my voice within, I hear
but someone else is speaking...I know it isn't me
Why can't those around me .....stop and really see!

When a friendly face appears and I really want to say ....STAY
I find myself telling them ....... please just go away
And those who reach out to me, with a gentle touch
I find myself rejecting and inside it hurts so much

If I could find the words and make them come out right
I would try to tell them all that inside I am living in fright
My whole body seems to be turning upside down!
Where I used to wear a smile ....now I hold a frown

I want to tell them please know ...what I want to say
for the actions I now take....were never my real way
I still love you all from deep within my heart
even though my words all seem to fall apart

My mind is sometimes cloudy and nothing seems the same
feeling one thing but acting another ....as if it were a game
So please have patience with me and try to see my side
for if I could but help myself ....all of this I would hide

Just know that deep within myself ...as you see the outside of me
is my old self I cannot help to once again be free
So look at me .....the total ME .... the inside and the out
and know there is a spirit still of that there is no doubt

© 1999 Brenda Race