Incredibly Coincidental Anagrams
Back To TopAn Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of the word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY-> When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST-> When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
DESPERATION-> When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE-> When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES-> When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN 'EM
ANIMOSITY-> When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW-> When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS-> When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT->When you rearrange the letters:I'M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO-> When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
Southern Tourism
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2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Bubba, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we'll just have to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a soft drink or a can of soda down here. It's called a Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5] We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Dell, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that here, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so put a lid on it. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone instantly will know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are up North because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern dung holes like Detroit, Chicago, LA and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we do know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of our lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about our scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor. 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box ... minus your ass.
My Shpell Checker
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I have a spell checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see
Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure real glad two no
Its very polished in its own weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
A cheek or is a blessing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime
Now spilling does not phase me
It does knot bring a tier
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud
So ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want to please
Things To Do While Cruising Wal-Mart
Back To Top15 Things to do at Wal Mart while the spouse/partner is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares", . . . and see what happens.
5. Put M&M's on lay away.
6. Move 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud. .. .. "Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
Lucky Frog (Bill Clinton Joke)
Back To Top"Lucky frog" - Rated R A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Three Wishes
Back To TopA State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and
guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him
lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
Cards You Will Never see in Hallmark
Back To Top"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky)
I Knew I Was in Trouble at Work When...
Back To TopI JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...
...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of
me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work
area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah,
whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" .wav receiving e-mail, & not a
chime.
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest
record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year
contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at
work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails
aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my
job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10
minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file
cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling
on me.